Bubble.

I gravitate to those like me and I am pulled to being on a creative level and I was I could connect. I never will, I don't believe in those kinds of head games.

To the person that keeps my head high.
I know you are in a hole, you speak of it freely, but you keep me sane.
I am a mom, a person consumed by time planning, nose wiping and keeping everyone alive. I am not the sort that normally gravitate to your side, to your music, but I need that sense of me that only exists when my headphones are plastered to my ears. I think you get it, that gap in reality that needs to exist for most. You draw yours out, mine can not be seen.
I am in a bad place, I don't let my eyes come above the water because I am afraid to look down and see the dead. I am chosing to ignore and thus I am lost. I am not allowed to exist in every single sense. Really at the end of the day I look in the mirror and the person looking back is confused and terrified. She screams in deaf words "What will become of me??" Grinning, I look back and I tell her that she is dead. But although she is gone I am not something else. I am a sequence of events that have to happen in order to get to tomorrow. I am hibernating.
I have lost something of great value, something most don't have and because of this it always feels like I am planning my escape with no where to run to. I lack luster, courage, means and being to just pick up and go even though most days that is exactly what I need to do.
I am writing this to you in my head because that seems a saner way to go than to just admit that I am typing to my own eyes. In reality I don't want to see the words, I know they are only dancing around the truth. I don't really know what the truth is, what I am supposed to do. Is this all I am ever going to be. I can't be more the way things are right now, it isn't allowed.
See, person in my imagination, you are tied to a container, I am tied to a diaper bag. This diaper bag has two handles, but I am still the only one holding it.
I think it is intriging how the mind says words but the body does not perform the actions attached to these words. There once were words of encouragement, words of love, words of ambition and now there is no action, no motivation. I am placed in a stagnant situation that I can find a way out of but I fear I would not be permitted or would have to bring about a new life completely. It shouldn't be this way, it kills me that it is. He just won't chose me.
Once upon a time a man loved a woman. He was a husband, a father and a role model. But then he stopped. He found a new love a way to escape and he decided he had to leave everything else behind and make this love his one and only. It happened slowly. And then, one day, his wife realised and she cried. She couldn't compete, didn't have the means. So, she let him have what his heart most desired and he was alone.
Love.... is just not enough when it is one sided. I can't be the only one to fight for this, I can't bend much more. I need to make a decision, I am not sure if my last one was a good one.

I look around here and I know what ever single decision that I would make would mean. I am scared to do anything and terrified of doing nothing. I guess getting back to the roots is the important thing but I don't even know if those are strong enough to make this work.

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