Midnight Writtings

Here I sit with my keyboard in my had. I have burned through scrabble, some randomn game on facebook and every other source of unproductive entertainment I could find. It is odd but since having my laptop back I have not really had an urge to do anything I haven't before. At the same time I feel the need to be productive. I need to use what I have now in a way that benefits me, but I don't know what way that is.
Tomorrow the girls and going to visit oma for two days. I plan on walking as much as I can, having sex and doing anything else that I can do to make this baby come out. It needs to happen this weekend or I am going to be induced on Monday with no plan for where the girls are going to be. My mom doesn't think she can handle them for any length of time and she wants to be there with me when I go into labour so there is really no option there. David's dad won't be home until 5 and it will most likely be around 6 that I go in, so it would be very hard for us to get them to his dad's and then get back to the hospital. Maybe David can take them and then mom can take me to the hospital and then David can come back. But I still have to figure out where the girls are going to go from David's dad's house since his dad works the next morning early. I would love it if mom could pick them up from there and take them to her house for tuesday and then David can even pick them up that night or Wednesday if possible. But I don't know if that will happen. Anytime I talk to mom about it she tells me that we will just have to play it by ear, it seems as though she is the only person not really willing to help me and that makes it hard because when it comes down to it she is the person that could help me the most.
I am drained in every sense of the word and I just can't even fathom how everything is going to play out in the next couple of days. I guess I just have to pray that I get out of the hospital as soon as possible and woman up and deal with everything regardless of life.
I know these babies are mine, they are mine to deal with in happiness, saddness, health and otherwise but sometimes it feels like I have been abondonned by family, They are there of course but they prefer to stand outside the circle and look in instead of coming in and seeing things and helping. I guess my support system is pretty much MIA.
I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I am really just annoyed with how passe everyone is and I am selfish I guess to think that I even matter, I don't really care though anymore and becoming more introverted might be what is needed.
Typing all this out makes me put a lot more of my life in persepective and that makes me sad. Feeling unimportant at such any important time in my life is hard and emotionally I could easily crash and burn. But.... I won't let myself. I can do this and I will find a way. I am sorry to say but I can't have baby and keep my other children entertained in the process and I guess some people don't get this but I guess all that matters is that either way I have to give birth. If I have to be alone I will be....I refuse to be put head of the children so if that means that David will have to be with the other two than I guess that has to happen. I will not be happy at all with my mother if she insists on being in there with me and David can't be because no one will watch the girls. She will not be permitted in the room if this is the case. Don't put me in a situation that adds stress to one of the hardest momments of my life. I don't want to deal with it.

Surrounded by laundry

Today has been about nesting, nesting and even more nesting. All I have done is clean and I am finally proud and comfortable with how the house looks. I was worried someone was going to have to stay here if I go into labour and I would be embarassed by the house.
I feel ready for baby Ethan to come. I just want him to be here so badly but at the same time I want to savour this time as much as possible. I want to hold my baby boy.
The girls are so excited to meet their little brother. It is still so odd to me that I am going to be the mother of three. I know that seems weird but I seriously sometimes wonder how I got from being in high school to this point. How did I have babies, how did I become a mom. This is still new to me and I don't think it will ever become old or ordinary. Every minute is new, different and adaptable. Some momments are so hard and some just make me smile. If someone asked me what it is to be a mom I would say it is like being on a roller coaster. You feel more love, more happiness, more sadness, more passion, more anger and more insanity than you ever have in your life the momment that you become a mom. You have so many hopes, so many dreams and so many wishes for the little baby that you hold in your arms from the first time. It is so emotional.
So much is changing in such a small amount of time. My big girl is starting school and I am probably going to miss her first day because I am being induced on Monday. I think she might miss the first day too just because there won't be a way to get her there if i am in labour or if Ethan has just been born. We are talking to her teacher tomorrow for the first time and we will find out if missing the first day will be a big deal. I hope we can work this all out.
Life is just crazy right now....or should i say it is on hold. I feel like I am waiting to breath. I know there is so much that is going to happen and I am really trying to be prepared in every single way that I can and that is exhausting me. I just want every transition to happen smoothly.
In a week from tomorrow not only will I have a newborn, but I will also have a kindergarten kid! Breath mama breath lol!

My headphones plug me in.

Music is my one sweet release. My one passion, my one desire to be more than the shell I am currently. My children are my life but music is my escape. I need it and I have grown weak without it, but now I am rebuilding. I am ready.
Music births passion and freedom....dance moves me. I am going to start to become myself again and let beats, tunes, lyric flow through a release the chained up mother that is consumed inside.
I write words to show I was here, I dance to be me. I am going to be as much as I can be every day. I am not superwoman but I can learn to breath again.
Children are hard. They drain and exhaust you but they are wonderful. They are just these amasing little people that show more love, more realistic fusion than most adults. Their possiblities are limitless and if I accomplish anything in this lifetime I want to be a good mother. I think it is important for me to be me to accomplish this task. I show raw love and emotion every day and they know me. I am real with them, it comes naturally.
Tonight words are not enough to lead me to satisfaction...tonight I need the beat.