Kinda lost.

I am not sure but tonight I am just in a hard place. I feel like I am not on top of my game. Today was a hard day and it is late and maybe that is why I don't feel....confident.

Why does it feel like I have to be entertainment to a man to be confident in myself. David very rarely has any compliments for me and it is as if I need those compliments to be anything, since they are not coming from my husband I need them to come from someone and tonight and for the past couple of days they have not come at all.

J has a girlfriend. He seems really happy and it kills me in a way but I knew it had to come at some point. It was a matter of shit or get off the pot. I am happy with David to the extent that I won't leave so J was not mine to keep. Such is life.

There is another in my mind set, he is double my age and that is essential part of the appeal, you see it is the difference between a boy and a man. He is just using me, but I am using him too. At one point in my life I had tto stop contact with him because I was too attached. He was becoming to important to me, to my daily life. I am in a better place now, I know how to place the game, I know my role and I know his. I like the way I feel on the days I talk to him, I like the energy he provides me with and the sparkle he ignites in a place in my sole that D can not get to.

The night is old and to sleep I must go. For the day tomorrow will be of importance. Tomorrow I have to find a way to shine without my sparke.

Truth - Prefection

I am happy with life as of late but I am not sure I would be if I didn't have my vices. In this corner I have a few that follow my lead and are there when my tendancies creep up. I have done things that give me the complex of badass, I have done things that would make many blush. I have done things so many would find wrong. I am powerful on days like this because of those things. I can't make your "get it" you can't because you don't live my brain.

My vices keep me stimulated, they keep me hard and they keep my smiling. In this world I am the queen althought it is not said. Many would find this lifestyle unsatisifying. I find it to be bliss. I have it all. I have the conversation, the edge, the professional, the love, the truth, the light and the erotic. Charmed in the life of this I am.

This world hangs by a thread and I guess that is essentially what makes me love it so much.  I have my pick of the litter in a sense but if I ever did chose one then everything would fall apart. By not chosing I live the life I chose.

It has become clear that love is about chosing what is shown and what isn't. I have learned that I am not going to be fullfilled in every sence by one path. I am to wild for the normal and even though I must appear calm, cool, collected and tame in the eyes of the world I am not in the hidden world I have.

I have the minds of a group. I have the world in my hand and I couldn't be myself without this. I can't even imagine life in any other sense. I need too much. In this world of prefection I will admit that I am not a woman of one and thus the world cringes and looks at me with distain. But I am me, I may be wrong but in the world of fakes I am the fakest one and queen.