Kinda lost.

I am not sure but tonight I am just in a hard place. I feel like I am not on top of my game. Today was a hard day and it is late and maybe that is why I don't feel....confident.

Why does it feel like I have to be entertainment to a man to be confident in myself. David very rarely has any compliments for me and it is as if I need those compliments to be anything, since they are not coming from my husband I need them to come from someone and tonight and for the past couple of days they have not come at all.

J has a girlfriend. He seems really happy and it kills me in a way but I knew it had to come at some point. It was a matter of shit or get off the pot. I am happy with David to the extent that I won't leave so J was not mine to keep. Such is life.

There is another in my mind set, he is double my age and that is essential part of the appeal, you see it is the difference between a boy and a man. He is just using me, but I am using him too. At one point in my life I had tto stop contact with him because I was too attached. He was becoming to important to me, to my daily life. I am in a better place now, I know how to place the game, I know my role and I know his. I like the way I feel on the days I talk to him, I like the energy he provides me with and the sparkle he ignites in a place in my sole that D can not get to.

The night is old and to sleep I must go. For the day tomorrow will be of importance. Tomorrow I have to find a way to shine without my sparke.