Night light

Strong. I am truely going to do what I have set my brain to do. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may be more mentally invested in the bigger picture than I realized. Is it a possiblity that I might have a sex addiction? Am I more consumed with it than the average person? I am discovering more and more that I am pulled by mommentary fullfilment than long term gains. That kinda scares me. I am impulsive and I risk too much just to smile for a minute and essential feel alive just for a second.

What is sex to me? Sex is Power and by power I mean two things. It gives me the power to control men even though I am not a skinny little girl. I know how to tempt, I know how to tease. To me it is kind of a game. Just to see if I can make a man's eyes linger, walk into a room and see excitement and response. I know how to stare, I know how to be innocent yet alluring. I know how to achieve the satisifaction I crave. But, the problem is...in this form it controls me. Always I feel I have to be on my game, on pointe and I can never have an off day or I feel damaged. That gives them control...and that essentially controls me. Sex is a mind game before it is ever a physical game. The other problem is I don't know how long to play the game and that has put me in compromising situations. I am always tempted even if I don't engage in anything...even if I have no reason to be attracted I am somehow tempted to make it something physical. In my mind I play out the situations and they become my desires.

More to come!