Here comes the bride....

Ahhhh.... only a month until my wedding, there is so much to do and so much that is not done. I am forever planning and re-planning and thinking and trying to envision everything that is to be done to make my day mine. I have given up on the tradition veiws and sentiments....roughly because those are costly and simply unnecessary. I am not here to please anyone else or make my wedding the one that is talked about for it's beauty, grace, traditionalism or elegance. Those words do not apply to me in any form and in my opinion they should not apply to the day I give myself to the man of my dreams. I float on clouds of happiness and bliss and exileration and to me that is what should be protrayed.
I think people lose track of what the wedding means. I am not one of those people and I hope that is not just because I can't afford to be. I have never been about the physical elements of life and I don't want to be consumed by them in this joining of spirits.
I do feel like a dark cloud is looming over this whole process though. I honestly have to say if it wasn't for money already invested that we would just elope. It seems I have suffered a falling out with a family member. I say it seems as I have not had contact with this person and that is not because I have not tried. I said things that were true and needed to be said and it seems those things were to hard to hear. I didn't mean to offend but if I have I can't say that I am sorry. I have nothing to appolgise for. This person was not even going to be at my wedding because in my eyes I am not as important to him as I should have been. I have been loved by this person yes, but never directly cared for. As a member of my family I honestly know nothing about this person. I know more about people whose names I cannot remember. I have lost out in a monetary sense as a result of this falling out but that is not important to me. actually now that I sit here and think I am really not upset about the situation at all....because this falling out has really not changed a damn thing in my life. My wedding has been affected but only to a slight and small degree. I am upset however that this person would not ever have the respect to talk to me about his decision to exclude himself from my life. I have tried on numerous occasions to contact this person and he would not even acknowlegde the fact that I have. I believe from this persons actions that he is either unable to stand up to me in such a way...or that I just don't matter to him either. So be it. He doesn't care enough to be there for the one day in my life when it is expected that he would and he doesn't care enough to attempt to salvage a relationship with me then honestly I am don't need that person to be involved with me. I have more than survived without his help. Must be nice to be able to detach yourself from responisibilty.
Family is such a hard thing to understand. If you could chose your family I think everyone would be alone in the world. It is so hard to find a light, a beacon of hope, help and understanding. Only a true parent can be that beacon and grow and learn and bend with one another. I feel I have been left out and letdown by one but I was luck enough to find a new beacon that shone even brighter. Not many are so lucky.
I have love, support and understanding from two of the best parents in the world. Growing up I never thought that, but it is amasing how becoming a mother makes the past so much clearer. There have been things that I have gone through were only my parents were there to hold me and get me through the pain and the darkness. Only 2 people truely understand. I want to thank my mom and my adopted dad from making me the person I am today, for building me a strong foundation out of stones and heartaches and tough times that always got better. Thank you for showing me that I am worth it to them. I love you. Goodnight. Sleep tight.