Just my mind....

Sometimes a colour can inspire a mood, a train of thought or just a reaction. I guess that is my ambition for this colour. I was full of energy and spunk like this colour a few hours ago, but as the night has worn on my mood has muted and my thoughts have sprung out from the dark, but are still clouded in camaflage.
Where am I tonight. Christmas has past and I now in a state of comfort because I get to reclaim normalness. I always feel like the holidays climb until they reach a fevered pitch that is Christmas day. I found the spirit this year, but I am also weary now that the spirit will now fade and stone cold winter blues will engulf humanity. I have much to focus on to keep my mind from closing completely, but sometimes it all seems over welming and pointless.
I am feeling lost again. Holiday pictures have shocked me into seeing myself in way that don't appeal. I am huge. I am gaining and I am not comfortable. I sit now at a weight I told myslef I would never reach, yet I have and I hate it...yet still chocolate wraps surround my desk. I need an off switch. I need....at this point I don't even know what will mean enough to me to stop getting crap that I know is not benficial in anyway except to fill a mommentary void before the dread and self loathing sets in.
Mentally I am all over the playing feild right now. I am not taking my antidepressants as I should do to the fact that money is limited and Christmas did cometh. I am not pleasant at the momment to put it nicely and when I say that I mean in every way possible. I am grumpy, spiteful, angery and other things not meant for sharing. My mind is on a path that can only lead to self destruction....but my mind has convinced itself that this path it is on is one of self discovery and that I should embrace my new found status.
On to a branch now....
I feel sexy, which yes contradicts the feels of fat, ugliness...but it is there none the less. I don't feel beautiful. I think of sexy as more of feeling of power, drive..... I don't think I am sexy to others, in fact I know I am not but I still feel sexy to me.

Family....really

There is a saying that Friends are the Family that you chose yourself and I believe that to be one of the truest statements in the world. I am not a person that has many acquantances but I have people that I keep close to my heart, a select few. This people share strengths, momments of weakness, momments of joy, momments of life and every momment in between. If you mess with one of us your are messing with us all.
I have this. I have a strong bond with a group of ladies that I am proud to call my family. We share a bond that is thicker than blood and we are sisters in the deepest sense of the word. I keep these ladies close to my heart. We all have strengths and we all have shortcomings and we lean on each other and together we are strong, fearless and capable. I have never felt a bond like this in my life, I feel like I belong. We are all very different, but in that difference we become one. We share and together we are whole.
Tonight I laughed, smiled and breathed with my ladies. The night was not one of the best because of outside forces but the company made it a great night. I hope this ladies know just how much they mean to me and how close I feel to them because with them by myside I feel like I am more. I am lucky to have them.
I have my girls, my husband, my family and the people I am related to....... Thank you for it all!

Mindful Wonderings

I am not a woman of religion because as I think I have said in here before I am not a woman who believes in religion. Religion seperates, seagrates and affects people judgements as far as their own actions are conserned. I do however believe in a power, or a god that created us and is there for us in times of need. For me he is someone to talk to, to thank and to believe in, he is someone I can turn to in times of need and he is someone I can ask for help from. To me he is a friend, a true friend. I believe this because I can feel his presence, not because I am told to believe from other sources in my life. I believe because I choice to believe.
I think at this time of year it is almost impossible not to feel the magic and the warm that wraps around you like a blanket. There is this...sparkle to the world that in a way lets everyone know that everything is going to be ok. The only way to see it though is to step away from the stores, and the toys and the presents and the money and really look with un-clouded eyes. Only then will you be able to see joy, peace and happiness.
It feels to me like the world is coming out of a fog. We have been in dark troubled times for so long and now the magic is finally seeping through and re-building some of what life used to be and what it is turning into. I don't know if it Christmas that is awaking the world from slumber or is it the relization that it is fianlly time for us to emerge into a new and glorious world. To me it feels like the world is hatching as if a bird from an egg...but the world is still new and it still must be cautious of the new life that beats within it.
Sometimes it feels like there is so much in the world that I will never ever understand. I can't understand how there are millionaires and billionaires and yet children die every day from hunger. I don't understand people that have everything wanting more. I don't understand how a person's mentality can allow them to be so greedy and yet so many people have nothing and no way of getting out of where they are. My heart hurts in mourning for some much being lost because of greed. Are there good people out there anymore? People that would give everything they have to make someone else's life just a little bit better. People without agendas, gossip, motives, or drama...people would just want the world to be a better place. Is there a place where wanting and having hope isn't rediculed. I hope so.
Right now I sit here and I am mouring because I know there is someone out there hurting in way that I have never experienced and there is nothing I can do and there are people out there that could do so much but won't. How can this happen?
My heart is heavy tonight and I pray with every cell in my body that tonight someone will help someone else. That everyone will do something for another human being. I pray that the world will one day make sense to me and everyone that needs something, will get it. I am praying for love, life and peace. Please pray with me.

Greatness

Change.....is an awe inspiring thing and it always seems to sneak in the back door when you least expect it to. I am in the midst of change...but I have no idea what I am changing into.
I have more determination than I have had in a long time...determination to do things the right way, not just to get them over with. This appilies to as many aspects of my life as I can get it to. Work, home, with the kids....with David.
I am starting to feel full of life, the way I used to in some ways and in a totally new way in others. I can deal with problems, manage myself and be strong in everything I do. I can take pride in myself and shine every single time I take a step. I am more than I have ever been.
I am working again with Sunshine and I am really enjoying it. I have take a new approach the includes positivity and pride in my work. I am doing things and staying on track and completing tasks. I don't feel like I am running around in circles and getting nothing done. I am focused and I am prepping myself for success.
With all this being said, there is still a gap in my mental personna. I can't describe how I am feeling really but it feels like a part of me is...lacking...missing or just not all together. I don't know how to correct this feeling and I wonder if it has to do with my wanting another child. Maybe because my family is not complete that my mind can't be complete. I don't know.....I just feel....unfinished. I have decided that currently I will put this energy into bettering myself through my work place and try to fill this void.
David and I are doing so well lately. I feel happy and in love with him on a level that we have never managed to get to. He is the father that I have wanted him to be and the husband that I have needed him to be. I love him with every part of me and now, that isn't scary. I know he is my soul mate and I see our future as clear and bright as the next day. Hardships come and they pass, and this one finally has.
Christmas is almost here and despite my hate for winter I am feeling in the holiday spirit. The snow blowing, lights twinkling and our babies running around the house has made my spirit come alive. I love everything that I have and I am so thankful for my life and love. I have something that is so hard to find and a family life that is almost extinct in our walks of life. I have just what I am meant to have and I am blissfully happy in my surroundings.