Just my mind....

Sometimes a colour can inspire a mood, a train of thought or just a reaction. I guess that is my ambition for this colour. I was full of energy and spunk like this colour a few hours ago, but as the night has worn on my mood has muted and my thoughts have sprung out from the dark, but are still clouded in camaflage.
Where am I tonight. Christmas has past and I now in a state of comfort because I get to reclaim normalness. I always feel like the holidays climb until they reach a fevered pitch that is Christmas day. I found the spirit this year, but I am also weary now that the spirit will now fade and stone cold winter blues will engulf humanity. I have much to focus on to keep my mind from closing completely, but sometimes it all seems over welming and pointless.
I am feeling lost again. Holiday pictures have shocked me into seeing myself in way that don't appeal. I am huge. I am gaining and I am not comfortable. I sit now at a weight I told myslef I would never reach, yet I have and I hate it...yet still chocolate wraps surround my desk. I need an off switch. I need....at this point I don't even know what will mean enough to me to stop getting crap that I know is not benficial in anyway except to fill a mommentary void before the dread and self loathing sets in.
Mentally I am all over the playing feild right now. I am not taking my antidepressants as I should do to the fact that money is limited and Christmas did cometh. I am not pleasant at the momment to put it nicely and when I say that I mean in every way possible. I am grumpy, spiteful, angery and other things not meant for sharing. My mind is on a path that can only lead to self destruction....but my mind has convinced itself that this path it is on is one of self discovery and that I should embrace my new found status.
On to a branch now....
I feel sexy, which yes contradicts the feels of fat, ugliness...but it is there none the less. I don't feel beautiful. I think of sexy as more of feeling of power, drive..... I don't think I am sexy to others, in fact I know I am not but I still feel sexy to me.