Wtf

Brain wtf. Who don't need this stupidity . Heart why have you ganged up on me. Don't I get a say.

Wrapped around backwards

As I often do this post will be wrapped in confusion as my brain is in confusion. I know this is a game that has been born out of a need, a need to be alive, a need to have a place and a need for acceptance. I know he is playing this game and still the words are amazing, the affection that is shown makes me pretend it is not a game. But why, I have no plan to persue, no plan to make this real. I guess there is a need to be different and of things lacking that makes this appealing. I don't understand it but it makes me feel ok, even for a little while and there is this thing where he looks me in the eyes and I melt. I know he wants me to feel this way, he wants to be conversation in my head, he wants me to feel something so that I will change my mind. Why do I have this need to have something else. Something more than everyday. It saddens me that I can't feel complete unless I am worped. I feel like I have written this exact post before...and have. I am scared though...where do I go from here if all of a sudden I don't have an alternate. I am sad my brain even thinks that is a problem.

On this night

I needed this blank page tonight, this one with the flashing line waiting for me to spill my thoughts on to it. It was as if a craving had ensued. Dear paper, I am lost

I am not sure how I ever got to this place that is lower than low and I don't know how to make it come to light in any other way other than to type it tonight. I am more lost than ever. I am barely existing, honestly I don't exist outside of these walls and instead of them suffocating me as I am used to now they are comfortable. Too comfortable. I want more, but I don't even know where to start. I want a job that matters....maybe that is because I thought I had one and found out I didn't. I want to pick up the pieces but I am finding myself standing over the pieces too much and admiring the mosaic they make. I am not getting anywhere... I rarely have a smile and I want to smile. It is starting to feel like my days are filled with quicksand. I am making poor choices, eatting bad things, sleeping as much as I can, the house is as messy as ever and I find myself constantly looking at everything and wondering how I got here. How did I go from sitting at the top to now being... nothing. I am so lost, more lost than ever and I don't know how to get out of this.

Help