Wrapped around backwards

As I often do this post will be wrapped in confusion as my brain is in confusion. I know this is a game that has been born out of a need, a need to be alive, a need to have a place and a need for acceptance. I know he is playing this game and still the words are amazing, the affection that is shown makes me pretend it is not a game. But why, I have no plan to persue, no plan to make this real. I guess there is a need to be different and of things lacking that makes this appealing. I don't understand it but it makes me feel ok, even for a little while and there is this thing where he looks me in the eyes and I melt. I know he wants me to feel this way, he wants to be conversation in my head, he wants me to feel something so that I will change my mind. Why do I have this need to have something else. Something more than everyday. It saddens me that I can't feel complete unless I am worped. I feel like I have written this exact post before...and have. I am scared though...where do I go from here if all of a sudden I don't have an alternate. I am sad my brain even thinks that is a problem.