On this night

I needed this blank page tonight, this one with the flashing line waiting for me to spill my thoughts on to it. It was as if a craving had ensued. Dear paper, I am lost

I am not sure how I ever got to this place that is lower than low and I don't know how to make it come to light in any other way other than to type it tonight. I am more lost than ever. I am barely existing, honestly I don't exist outside of these walls and instead of them suffocating me as I am used to now they are comfortable. Too comfortable. I want more, but I don't even know where to start. I want a job that matters....maybe that is because I thought I had one and found out I didn't. I want to pick up the pieces but I am finding myself standing over the pieces too much and admiring the mosaic they make. I am not getting anywhere... I rarely have a smile and I want to smile. It is starting to feel like my days are filled with quicksand. I am making poor choices, eatting bad things, sleeping as much as I can, the house is as messy as ever and I find myself constantly looking at everything and wondering how I got here. How did I go from sitting at the top to now being... nothing. I am so lost, more lost than ever and I don't know how to get out of this.

Help