Where is my mind...
Today has been stressful, hectic, annoying and almost unbearable... but I survived.
I came home, my babies were fussy, grumpy...even my cat seemed to be mad at me....just not a good day. Now....I just throw up on the floor.....thanks Van Wilder...that made my night...
So here I sit
16 weeks pregnant..and worried about everything. Everyday I am hanging on by a tiny string and I a worried that it is going to snap as soon as this baby is born. Next winter is going to be evil hell and no matter how hard I try to focus on now, on the positive, all the negetive pops up it's ugly head and am forced to view reality. How am I going to do this. I feel so over welmed now because f everything in my life, how are things going to be after there is more stress.
I hate my job...I truely do. I never thought it would come to this but i don't want to be there anymore. Once it was a happy place where work was hard but usually had a purpose...not now....ever day feels like one step closer to...disaster. I just want to be done, I want to be in control.....I want this stage in my life to be over. Today I realised something.....I still have the mentally of a child...I am stagnant, I am not getting anywhere and I never will and there is nothing I can do about it.
Money locks me in this tiny little world and it doesn't care...it twists and turns and laughs as it looks at me with disgust. I am defeated....but...oh well...sorrow only drowns those that fall in the water...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
On work time..
Life punches, it kicks and it scratches...but somehow no scars are ever left. Problems come and go and still somehow...we survive.
Emotionally I am a roller a coster with no destination just a whole lot of screaming. I can be fine and then crying and then fine again all in a half hour and if you aren't ready for that challenge than you need to step aside because I can't control it.
I am in a hole in every side of the word, but the depth changes depending on the day.
Today, as of this momment I am in love with my husband. I know saying that the way I did makes it a person wonder what I mean. It is not that I ever fall out of live with him but sometimes it feels as if a screen on filter is put in between us and we have to figure out a way to get through to even see each other let alone understand one another. Life has been stressful, complicated and a mess but finally as of this momment it seems to be getting back on track.
We have moved and the house weare in is livable but it is far from amasing. we are making do right now and doing what we have to stay as strong as we can.
Once and a while, more lately than ever a find myself turning around and wondering how I got to where I am. I have grown up and relized that "perfect" doesn't exist...well at least not for me. I have what I have and do what I do because I have to. It is hard, it is ugly....but...it is...life.
I am pregnant, the world of my blog and the world off the page all know this now but my mind doesn't. My body certainly feels it with every streach, turn and movement. I am about 15 weeks and I am starting to feel the little feelings that over the years I have come to known as baby. On the 23rd I have my next doctor's appointment and I pray that a heartbeat (at least one) is heard. I know I haven't been doing all the things that I should be doing to ensure my baby is healthy and strong and growning right. I am pushing myself too far, trying to do the impossible and trying to meet unreasonable expectations. I am tired always, I never feel quite right and after months of this it started to weigh down the mind. I am trying hard, so hard to be positive and strong but it is not always happening. My baby is roughly the size of a lemon now.....my little lemon baby, what will you be?! I can't wait to meet you!
Emotionally I am a roller a coster with no destination just a whole lot of screaming. I can be fine and then crying and then fine again all in a half hour and if you aren't ready for that challenge than you need to step aside because I can't control it.
I am in a hole in every side of the word, but the depth changes depending on the day.
Today, as of this momment I am in love with my husband. I know saying that the way I did makes it a person wonder what I mean. It is not that I ever fall out of live with him but sometimes it feels as if a screen on filter is put in between us and we have to figure out a way to get through to even see each other let alone understand one another. Life has been stressful, complicated and a mess but finally as of this momment it seems to be getting back on track.
We have moved and the house weare in is livable but it is far from amasing. we are making do right now and doing what we have to stay as strong as we can.
Once and a while, more lately than ever a find myself turning around and wondering how I got to where I am. I have grown up and relized that "perfect" doesn't exist...well at least not for me. I have what I have and do what I do because I have to. It is hard, it is ugly....but...it is...life.
I am pregnant, the world of my blog and the world off the page all know this now but my mind doesn't. My body certainly feels it with every streach, turn and movement. I am about 15 weeks and I am starting to feel the little feelings that over the years I have come to known as baby. On the 23rd I have my next doctor's appointment and I pray that a heartbeat (at least one) is heard. I know I haven't been doing all the things that I should be doing to ensure my baby is healthy and strong and growning right. I am pushing myself too far, trying to do the impossible and trying to meet unreasonable expectations. I am tired always, I never feel quite right and after months of this it started to weigh down the mind. I am trying hard, so hard to be positive and strong but it is not always happening. My baby is roughly the size of a lemon now.....my little lemon baby, what will you be?! I can't wait to meet you!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I Just.....know...
The world is full of beautiful, magical things...of connections known not by sight but by a new meaning of embrace. Tonight as I sat alone in a house full of quiet, I found my self lost in thought. I find losing myself in thought is the only way for me to truly relax. I miss so much in a day, so many signs, omens one might say, and when I look back and think I see them clear as day.
Lately I have been lost in chaos, which is the most horrorifying type of delusion. Nothing in my life has gone the way it should, gone easily or even progressed slightly. I am taking a step in the wrong direction, hoping it is for the greater good. I believe strongly in signs...in odd little coindences or feelings that general mean nothing...yet they mean everything.
On my ponder tonight I found out something, a connection that I had always missed. A friend, a very close friend that would have been in my life no matter which path I chose earilier in life. See, I believe in destiny...but in a different sense than most. I believe destiny to be a changing life force that doesn't decide what choices we make but ultimatly shows us the right path to take. This friend of mine is someone that I know I have been very close to in another life. I can't remember if I have explained this in here before but I believe that on the day that our soul is created we are bounded through out all of time with other people who's sould were born around the same time. I believe the roles change, one life the mother, the next the child, after than the sister, but all in all the same souls are attracted to the same souls throughout life times. Earily in lifeI had a choice to make and I chose a path based on a friend's feelings and that took me in a different direction and led me to where I am today...and this person is connected to me. I have resently discovered if I have made a different chose and not considered a friend's feelings that I could very well be on a very different path...but this friend would still be a big part of my life because of other mutal conections. To put it all on paper it sounds odd, it is hard to describe,but to me this is means something of great important...this person is in my life for some really big reason!
I haven't been around this person as much as I would like to be.....maybe I need to be around her more, destiny has prescribed it for a reason....
Maybe she needs my friendship asmuch as I need her.
I don't believe any sign is false, or wrong.....
I feel as if I have made a revelation today...lets see where this leds!
I am hiding
Everyday I go through the same thoughtless process and plan, hoping to achieve....anything. But I don't. I feel like everything I am doing means nothing, is unimportant and in the long run a waste of time. Maybe it is because of this feeling of empending change, of something big that will finally have the rest of the world seeing what I see. Everyday, struggling and never ever being able to tak a full breath is not what the human race is meant to be doing. We are all struggling trying to fit into a puzzle that we are not designed to fit. Everything is about the bottom line , keeping up, being popular.....being.....accepted because what is the point if we are not. I hate the way the world is...the tension, the pain, the suffering, the struggling, the crying, the tears. I just want to wipe it all away and start fresh....will it ever happen.
Lately I have been lost in chaos, which is the most horrorifying type of delusion. Nothing in my life has gone the way it should, gone easily or even progressed slightly. I am taking a step in the wrong direction, hoping it is for the greater good. I believe strongly in signs...in odd little coindences or feelings that general mean nothing...yet they mean everything.
On my ponder tonight I found out something, a connection that I had always missed. A friend, a very close friend that would have been in my life no matter which path I chose earilier in life. See, I believe in destiny...but in a different sense than most. I believe destiny to be a changing life force that doesn't decide what choices we make but ultimatly shows us the right path to take. This friend of mine is someone that I know I have been very close to in another life. I can't remember if I have explained this in here before but I believe that on the day that our soul is created we are bounded through out all of time with other people who's sould were born around the same time. I believe the roles change, one life the mother, the next the child, after than the sister, but all in all the same souls are attracted to the same souls throughout life times. Earily in lifeI had a choice to make and I chose a path based on a friend's feelings and that took me in a different direction and led me to where I am today...and this person is connected to me. I have resently discovered if I have made a different chose and not considered a friend's feelings that I could very well be on a very different path...but this friend would still be a big part of my life because of other mutal conections. To put it all on paper it sounds odd, it is hard to describe,but to me this is means something of great important...this person is in my life for some really big reason!
I haven't been around this person as much as I would like to be.....maybe I need to be around her more, destiny has prescribed it for a reason....
Maybe she needs my friendship asmuch as I need her.
I don't believe any sign is false, or wrong.....
I feel as if I have made a revelation today...lets see where this leds!
I am hiding
Everyday I go through the same thoughtless process and plan, hoping to achieve....anything. But I don't. I feel like everything I am doing means nothing, is unimportant and in the long run a waste of time. Maybe it is because of this feeling of empending change, of something big that will finally have the rest of the world seeing what I see. Everyday, struggling and never ever being able to tak a full breath is not what the human race is meant to be doing. We are all struggling trying to fit into a puzzle that we are not designed to fit. Everything is about the bottom line , keeping up, being popular.....being.....accepted because what is the point if we are not. I hate the way the world is...the tension, the pain, the suffering, the struggling, the crying, the tears. I just want to wipe it all away and start fresh....will it ever happen.
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