How the fuck am I supposed to ever get out of the hole that has been dug. It is awful. We have overdue bills, are on the edge of having utilies turned off and are just drowning in debt. How am I supposed to fix this. I can't take any course to better my education and get me a better job because that basicall y means taking food out of my children's mouth. We are providing the basics of life for our children but that is it, there is nothing left after bills, food and gas.
The future scares me, how can I make this all work. I want to just wake up one day and have won the lottery and be allowed to focus on my life and my babies not trying to figure out how I am going to make the 3 cans of soup, half box of rice and 4 Mr Noodles packages last a week. I am in tears because this is not fair and it is my fault... I didn't go to college, I didn't prepare for the future and now I am suffering.
How do people do this, because I know there are people in worse shape than I am, how do they do it. I am embarrassed by the lack of money that we have. I am trying so hard every day to hide the fact that we have nothing. When we go out I make sure the kids look prefect and that I look as good as I can and I paste on a smile and try to make the world believe that I have it all together.
I am wrorried that I have never going to be anything. I am going to struggle through every single momment of my life and then die with nothing for my children. I am a mess and I don't want to be. I really don't just want to be that woman that makes minmum wage and lives off the dollarstore, but I am that right now.
I need to figure this all out and I am learning a hard hard lesson - You reap what you sow.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Where my mind is located tonight.
My mind is everywhere today and it is fun how nothing relates.
Yoday I have been thinking about moms who have lost there babies. Whether it be a miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or any other loss of a baby or infant, I just can't imagine. I am one of few that I know that has not experienced a loss of any kind. I have easy pregnancies, easy labours and I have never dealt with not seeing a + and not bring home a baby nine months later. That would be the most devestating torture every. I would be crushed. Yet these mom's can go on, survive, push through and dream of their angel babies. I have truely been inspired by many moms. I use this inspiration when I am down, at 2am when all my babies are crying and I don't know who to help first and on those days when I have no sleep, I stink and everything is a mess. Some other mom's would kill for what I have and there are days when I have trouble handling it. Then I feel ashamed of not being able to enjoy every minute.
Then my brain goes to my baby boys circumsistion that happened today. I was a nervous wreck before this happened and almost told my dh to cancell the appointment because I was scared for him to be in pain. Now it isn't so bad. I know he is in pain but everything looks ok and in a few weeks everything will be all healed and he will never know any different.
Now my brain jumps again. Amy's wedding is in a few weeks. What the hell am I going to wear? I know what I want to wear but it involves money and I have no idea if there is going to be money at the time. I just feel like it is really important for me to pull off a sexy look, important for me. I need that spark. That va va va voom that allows me to be free in a way that diapers and baby powder can not match.
Jump again - I want to cut my hair...but that scares me because people tend to fuck up my hair.
Next - I am working on getting Mak and Ethan baptised and I am struggling with finding god-parents for Ethan. I have an idea of who I want but I am not sure if it will work out. We are meeting with a Rev. on Tuesday and this guy sounds really nice, actually might get me interested in the Church again. Might be a good place to start to meet people that don't just exist in a cyber plaine.
Jump - David has Monday off. I am glowing over this. We have nothing (well he has an appointment monday and then we meet the Rev Tuesday) but he and I get to be together, and breath for once in a long time. I miss him so much when he is working so much. It really drains me not to have him around, on more than a physical level. He truely is my soulmate.
Well my son is moving...that means food must happen...like now......
Yoday I have been thinking about moms who have lost there babies. Whether it be a miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or any other loss of a baby or infant, I just can't imagine. I am one of few that I know that has not experienced a loss of any kind. I have easy pregnancies, easy labours and I have never dealt with not seeing a + and not bring home a baby nine months later. That would be the most devestating torture every. I would be crushed. Yet these mom's can go on, survive, push through and dream of their angel babies. I have truely been inspired by many moms. I use this inspiration when I am down, at 2am when all my babies are crying and I don't know who to help first and on those days when I have no sleep, I stink and everything is a mess. Some other mom's would kill for what I have and there are days when I have trouble handling it. Then I feel ashamed of not being able to enjoy every minute.
Then my brain goes to my baby boys circumsistion that happened today. I was a nervous wreck before this happened and almost told my dh to cancell the appointment because I was scared for him to be in pain. Now it isn't so bad. I know he is in pain but everything looks ok and in a few weeks everything will be all healed and he will never know any different.
Now my brain jumps again. Amy's wedding is in a few weeks. What the hell am I going to wear? I know what I want to wear but it involves money and I have no idea if there is going to be money at the time. I just feel like it is really important for me to pull off a sexy look, important for me. I need that spark. That va va va voom that allows me to be free in a way that diapers and baby powder can not match.
Jump again - I want to cut my hair...but that scares me because people tend to fuck up my hair.
Next - I am working on getting Mak and Ethan baptised and I am struggling with finding god-parents for Ethan. I have an idea of who I want but I am not sure if it will work out. We are meeting with a Rev. on Tuesday and this guy sounds really nice, actually might get me interested in the Church again. Might be a good place to start to meet people that don't just exist in a cyber plaine.
Jump - David has Monday off. I am glowing over this. We have nothing (well he has an appointment monday and then we meet the Rev Tuesday) but he and I get to be together, and breath for once in a long time. I miss him so much when he is working so much. It really drains me not to have him around, on more than a physical level. He truely is my soulmate.
Well my son is moving...that means food must happen...like now......
Friday, October 8, 2010
Do you dare enter, do you really want to know
No you don't. You put on a brave face and ask me how I am, but that is a loaded question that I will give you a false answer to because in the end all you want is a rosy pretty picture.
I could tell you that I am loving every second of my life with three children, that I am doing great and I am excited about the sunrising every morning. I will tell you things are fine and that I am cooping.
Do you want to know the truth? I am just barely surviving. Each inch of my life has to be planned, mapped out, timed and re-evaluated. My one breath is at times a luxury I am not permitted. I am alone with three children under the age of 4 all the time. I talk to no one, I see know one, I type words on a screen and think they make me sane. I am failing, and not one person in the world will help me or can. I am drowning again. I am not sleeping, I am nsot permitted sleep. You go 3 days on 4 hours of sleep and see where your head is at. I just want to fade and disappear for a night. I want to go out and drink and just dance and not think, have to do anything or even permit myself to be judged. i just want to get completely lost in a beat, in the music, in the light, in the chaos and that is never ever going to happen. I find freedom in the release yet no one else does so it isn't allowed. I have to make out like I am someone else, domesticated and leased and controlled and polite.
If you knew the internal me you would hate me, this face that holds my eyes is a fake that I have made real. What else am I supposed to do, stop trying? Because I want to. I want run and run and run and then wake up and find out that everything is easier. Money is the ruler of the world and it is not making mine spin right now. I got nothing and because I got nothing he is property of his job and we are slaves to his cash flow. Week to week and day to day is not a way to live and not having my husband home with me is making me a bitchy woman and why. We struggle and struggle and nothing changes, why not just crash, just fail and give it all up. I am going to run and just never look back.
I hate the red eyes that look me in the mirror, they scare me, they haunt me in my dreams and they show brightly in the light. I am tired of pretending that I am not tired. I am tired of being the person that other believe is the image. I don't remember who I am anymore. I hide everything about myself so that you can sleep better at night. I can't be saved.
They tell me to remember I chose this, yeah I did. I had my babies, I am with them, I love them, they are my world but it is hard but because I chose this means I am not allowed to ask for help, basically I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. Seems that I am not allowed to have anyone else in the same room as me. I have endure, buck up and take it on the chin and just survive. I will never give up on my children, I will struggle and hurt and be in more pain then imaginable but they will still be more than loved and taken care of. I will be left broken in the process but they won't.
Because what I am writing is a blip in the grande scheme of the world I am not afraid to admit that tonight I am at rock bottom. I am crying and hurting and hurting my husband with the sorrow in my eyes but there is nothing that can make it dissappear. I don't want to hurt him, I want to smile and be the perfect little wife that cooks in the kitchen and breaths life into the home. Right now the demons in my head have control over everything and i can't shake them. My life is a storm and I am not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I am fed up.
I don't do anything to escape...I barely drink, I don't smoke or get high and I am supposed to be better for that. They all tell you never to do any of these things but then when you don't you have nothing to make things better temporarilly. I am proof that living the safe life will not preserve your sanity. You will lose it. I did.
Life is just plained fucked up. I just want to make everything better and there is nothing I can do to make anything better. I am suffering. Tonight I am done.
I could tell you that I am loving every second of my life with three children, that I am doing great and I am excited about the sunrising every morning. I will tell you things are fine and that I am cooping.
Do you want to know the truth? I am just barely surviving. Each inch of my life has to be planned, mapped out, timed and re-evaluated. My one breath is at times a luxury I am not permitted. I am alone with three children under the age of 4 all the time. I talk to no one, I see know one, I type words on a screen and think they make me sane. I am failing, and not one person in the world will help me or can. I am drowning again. I am not sleeping, I am nsot permitted sleep. You go 3 days on 4 hours of sleep and see where your head is at. I just want to fade and disappear for a night. I want to go out and drink and just dance and not think, have to do anything or even permit myself to be judged. i just want to get completely lost in a beat, in the music, in the light, in the chaos and that is never ever going to happen. I find freedom in the release yet no one else does so it isn't allowed. I have to make out like I am someone else, domesticated and leased and controlled and polite.
If you knew the internal me you would hate me, this face that holds my eyes is a fake that I have made real. What else am I supposed to do, stop trying? Because I want to. I want run and run and run and then wake up and find out that everything is easier. Money is the ruler of the world and it is not making mine spin right now. I got nothing and because I got nothing he is property of his job and we are slaves to his cash flow. Week to week and day to day is not a way to live and not having my husband home with me is making me a bitchy woman and why. We struggle and struggle and nothing changes, why not just crash, just fail and give it all up. I am going to run and just never look back.
I hate the red eyes that look me in the mirror, they scare me, they haunt me in my dreams and they show brightly in the light. I am tired of pretending that I am not tired. I am tired of being the person that other believe is the image. I don't remember who I am anymore. I hide everything about myself so that you can sleep better at night. I can't be saved.
They tell me to remember I chose this, yeah I did. I had my babies, I am with them, I love them, they are my world but it is hard but because I chose this means I am not allowed to ask for help, basically I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. Seems that I am not allowed to have anyone else in the same room as me. I have endure, buck up and take it on the chin and just survive. I will never give up on my children, I will struggle and hurt and be in more pain then imaginable but they will still be more than loved and taken care of. I will be left broken in the process but they won't.
Because what I am writing is a blip in the grande scheme of the world I am not afraid to admit that tonight I am at rock bottom. I am crying and hurting and hurting my husband with the sorrow in my eyes but there is nothing that can make it dissappear. I don't want to hurt him, I want to smile and be the perfect little wife that cooks in the kitchen and breaths life into the home. Right now the demons in my head have control over everything and i can't shake them. My life is a storm and I am not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I am fed up.
I don't do anything to escape...I barely drink, I don't smoke or get high and I am supposed to be better for that. They all tell you never to do any of these things but then when you don't you have nothing to make things better temporarilly. I am proof that living the safe life will not preserve your sanity. You will lose it. I did.
Life is just plained fucked up. I just want to make everything better and there is nothing I can do to make anything better. I am suffering. Tonight I am done.
Friday, October 1, 2010
My little man made my life complete
He is here! My little tiny man that brings so much joy to my heart is sleeping away a foot away from me.My family is complete, my heart is full and everything is great. It amases me to look at him, he is so small and tiny and he has me wrapped around his tiny finger. I have a son. I never thought saying those words would cause me so much happiness.
The girls love there little brother, they are always kiss him and hug him and want to help me with his care. I am so glad that I have such maternal children. I love watching them interact with each other.
I am doing good. Things are hard, I will admit it. I am surviving though. I am getting through each momment one momment at a time. I am doing everything I can to stay ahead of the game and focus on things that really matter and I am happy. I do feel like for once in my life that I am able to focus on me in a different way then I have been able to in the past. I am not going to have any more babies so now I am build my body into the way I want it to be. No do overs.
I have so much more that I want to type but my little baby boy is waking and he wants to see momma face. :)
The girls love there little brother, they are always kiss him and hug him and want to help me with his care. I am so glad that I have such maternal children. I love watching them interact with each other.
I am doing good. Things are hard, I will admit it. I am surviving though. I am getting through each momment one momment at a time. I am doing everything I can to stay ahead of the game and focus on things that really matter and I am happy. I do feel like for once in my life that I am able to focus on me in a different way then I have been able to in the past. I am not going to have any more babies so now I am build my body into the way I want it to be. No do overs.
I have so much more that I want to type but my little baby boy is waking and he wants to see momma face. :)
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