Do you dare enter, do you really want to know

No you don't. You put on a brave face and ask me how I am, but that is a loaded question that I will give you a false answer to because in the end all you want is a rosy pretty picture.
I could tell you that I am loving every second of my life with three children, that I am doing great and I am excited about the sunrising every morning. I will tell you things are fine and that I am cooping.
Do you want to know the truth? I am just barely surviving. Each inch of my life has to be planned, mapped out, timed and re-evaluated. My one breath is at times a luxury I am not permitted. I am alone with three children under the age of 4 all the time. I talk to no one, I see know one, I type words on a screen and think they make me sane. I am failing, and not one person in the world will help me or can. I am drowning again. I am not sleeping, I am nsot permitted sleep. You go 3 days on 4 hours of sleep and see where your head is at. I just want to fade and disappear for a night. I want to go out and drink and just dance and not think, have to do anything or even permit myself to be judged. i just want to get completely lost in a beat, in the music, in the light, in the chaos and that is never ever going to happen. I find freedom in the release yet no one else does so it isn't allowed. I have to make out like I am someone else, domesticated and leased and controlled and polite.
If you knew the internal me you would hate me, this face that holds my eyes is a fake that I have made real. What else am I supposed to do, stop trying? Because I want to. I want run and run and run and then wake up and find out that everything is easier. Money is the ruler of the world and it is not making mine spin right now. I got nothing and because I got nothing he is property of his job and we are slaves to his cash flow. Week to week and day to day is not a way to live and not having my husband home with me is making me a bitchy woman and why. We struggle and struggle and nothing changes, why not just crash, just fail and give it all up. I am going to run and just never look back.
I hate the red eyes that look me in the mirror, they scare me, they haunt me in my dreams and they show brightly in the light. I am tired of pretending that I am not tired. I am tired of being the person that other believe is the image. I don't remember who I am anymore. I hide everything about myself so that you can sleep better at night. I can't be saved.
They tell me to remember I chose this, yeah I did. I had my babies, I am with them, I love them, they are my world but it is hard but because I chose this means I am not allowed to ask for help, basically I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. Seems that I am not allowed to have anyone else in the same room as me. I have endure, buck up and take it on the chin and just survive. I will never give up on my children, I will struggle and hurt and be in more pain then imaginable but they will still be more than loved and taken care of. I will be left broken in the process but they won't.
Because what I am writing is a blip in the grande scheme of the world I am not afraid to admit that tonight I am at rock bottom. I am crying and hurting and hurting my husband with the sorrow in my eyes but there is nothing that can make it dissappear. I don't want to hurt him, I want to smile and be the perfect little wife that cooks in the kitchen and breaths life into the home. Right now the demons in my head have control over everything and i can't shake them. My life is a storm and I am not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I am fed up.
I don't do anything to escape...I barely drink, I don't smoke or get high and I am supposed to be better for that. They all tell you never to do any of these things but then when you don't you have nothing to make things better temporarilly. I am proof that living the safe life will not preserve your sanity. You will lose it. I did.
Life is just plained fucked up. I just want to make everything better and there is nothing I can do to make anything better. I am suffering. Tonight I am done.