Where my mind is located tonight.

My mind is everywhere today and it is fun how nothing relates.

Yoday I have been thinking about moms who have lost there babies. Whether it be a miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or any other loss of a baby or infant, I just can't imagine. I am one of few that I know that has not experienced a loss of any kind. I have easy pregnancies, easy labours and I have never dealt with not seeing a + and not bring home a baby nine months later. That would be the most devestating torture every. I would be crushed. Yet these mom's can go on, survive, push through and dream of their angel babies. I have truely been inspired by many moms. I use this inspiration when I am down, at 2am when all my babies are crying and I don't know who to help first and on those days when I have no sleep, I stink and everything is a mess. Some other mom's would kill for what I have and there are days when I have trouble handling it. Then I feel ashamed of not being able to enjoy every minute.

Then my brain goes to my baby boys circumsistion that happened today. I was a nervous wreck before this happened and almost told my dh to cancell the appointment because I was scared for him to be in pain. Now it isn't so bad. I know he is in pain but everything looks ok and in a few weeks everything will be all healed and he will never know any different.

Now my brain jumps again. Amy's wedding is in a few weeks. What the hell am I going to wear? I know what I want to wear but it involves money and I have no idea if there is going to be money at the time. I just feel like it is really important for me to pull off a sexy look, important for me. I need that spark. That va va va voom that allows me to be free in a way that diapers and baby powder can not match.

Jump again - I want to cut my hair...but that scares me because people tend to fuck up my hair.

Next - I am working on getting Mak and Ethan baptised and I am struggling with finding god-parents for Ethan. I have an idea of who I want but I am not sure if it will work out. We are meeting with a Rev. on Tuesday and this guy sounds really nice, actually might get me interested in the Church again. Might be a good place to start to meet people that don't just exist in a cyber plaine.

Jump - David has Monday off. I am glowing over this. We have nothing (well he has an appointment monday and then we meet the Rev Tuesday) but he and I get to be together, and breath for once in a long time. I miss him so much when he is working so much. It really drains me not to have him around, on more than a physical level. He truely is my soulmate.

Well my son is moving...that means food must happen...like now......