Turn th fuck off

He has been nothing but an ass, nothing at all. We haven't really talked, he isn't really there. Just a name in my contacts list, but in my mind he is more. I don't get it, why can't I get over him. Brain...why...what the fuck is wrong with you. I have a great life, everything is in line the way it is supposed to be. I love what I have and I have a ton more than I would have with the one stuck in my brain...so why. I hate this. I want to delete him, I want that to be ok in my mind and I don't want to go back again and add him....stupid stupid stupid little girl. He doesn't even care about you...fuck off...he doesn't care at all about you. His life does not revolve around me....he doesn't care if he talks to me. Actually he is probably wishing I would just stop being a rediculus whiny little baby and move on to my big girl pants.


F
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He says words....to make you feel like this....

Hurt

It is funny how words can fester and thorns can tear apart people as if paper. I have been hurt deeply by the man I love and he did it unintentionallly but it hurt a lot. A few months ago he told me that "even though I am not phsyically atrractive anymore that he still loves me for everything else" Worst line ever and I don't think I will recover from those words. Last night well looking at pictures he said "hmmm...you don't look bad there" referring to one of the pictures and I took it as an insult, which I know it really wasn't meant to be that way, but I felt like shit after he said it. Since then I have been crying. I have been bawling my eyes out like a baby and all I want is for him to hold me and he won't. He is supposed to make this all better. He is supposed to wipe my tears away....He is supposed to be on my side....but it feels like he is causing my pain.

I don't think he loves me anymore....he would rather someone else....eventually he is going to see this....and I am going to die. Maybe I should just get it over with.

Just.....mom

Uneventful

Today I was mom, not that I am not mom every day but some days I play the part more than others and today was simply about wiping butts and noses and getting hugs and cuddles. I am amazed every day at the little people my kids are becoming and how much I influence them.
The stuff that comes out of their mouths sometimes shocks and amazes me in ways I could never have understood until they got to this stage.

Other news.....there is none.

In a few weeks I am going oeut to a staff party in TO that will involve a lot of drinking, a lot of dancing, a ton of craziness and a club. I am looking forward to it but I must say I am slightly worried about it too. I know myself, I know my level of control and I love all the people I am going to be with but I am going to be in a new element. This is going to be a major stress reliever and a huge self esteem boast and path to personal discovery.

Tonight is boring, sorry mystery mind for the uneventful post, but this has to happen once and a while.