From the Couch

Festering, undying, unrelenting and uncontrolable is my current situation. This situation that makes me me but in turn torments me down to the core. In mind I want things my mouth can't even speak of. I want to touch, I want to feel, I want to lose all control and be pure emotion. I want rare, raw adrenaline. I want something I have never had before. I want someone who doesn't know my name, doesn't know my issues, doesn't care what my body looks like and just wants to be free. I want to scream and smile that smile that can only be smiled when every single last breath has escaped your lips and ever ounce of your body is begging to stop but begging for more at the same time. I want hours. I want this unimaginable desire to take over and for me to become the ceature behind my eyes. I lust for this satisfaction. I twich with this desire to taste the sweetness that could never be. I want adventure. I want to become the Wild Child.

Heavy Heart

He hasn't talked to me in a long while and it is as if I am crushed. I know I am not supposed to care, this should make it easier right? But no, it makes me want to burst into tears and give in to my greatest temptation. It makes me want to find him and kiss him and look into his eyes for the first time once again and say I am yours forever. Deep inside this longing is more than I can stand and at times I am finding myself alone with my thoughts, alone with my wishes, alone with my fears and alone with my desires. Cruel world how did you twist fate in such a way that I am trapped without bars and caged without keys. This reality offers little comfort and lately I am finding myself longing for dream sleep in which he is there. In my dreams I run to him and he holds me and looks into my eyes and I can feel alive again. In this place of bliss I am free, I am light, I am new. Is that the appeal?
My heavy heart and I will breath again tomorrow of the air that binds. I know this is safe, this is refined, this is tame....but I am not

That pain

So deep, so dreadful, so painful....the regret I am filled with. I want to go back in time so badly and make you mine. I wish I had spoken the words. It is killing me. I love you, I want to be with you and I can't be because I am with him and he is the father of my children and they are the most important thing and they need their father. I am sick to my stomach constantly with the pain of not being with you. I miss you so much and I feel so sad that our time is over. Every night I wait with baited breath for you to come on line. I am only really happy now when I am talking to you. Only then does it feel like the world is right. My heart is broken, it hurts, it is crying and the worst part is there is nothing I can do about it. I wish there was a rewind button and I could start my life over again. I want to go back to when I first met you and I want to cling to you and never let go. I want you to be mine. I want to hold you. I want you, to be here, I want to see you, I want it to be the way it is in my dreams. You tell me it is the same for you. I just want you. It isn't even about sex anymore...I just want to be with you.