Once Upon a time....

On a night like today my mind is clear. Too often I stare at this page and try to be deep enough to make sense even though half the time it becomes jumbled. Tonight I sit her and I need to see things in the daylight. Who am I.

Let me start. I am unemployed. I haven't written that yet or even let the words rest in my brain. I have no job and so far no ambition to find anything because I can't wrap my head around not being embraced by the chaos that was Sunshine. That place was home and I feel like my family is now shattered. I miss having people beside me when I needed them and I miss enjoying success, failures, hardships, fun with them. I have tried to think of this as a step forward, but honestly I am terrified of it being a step back. I had something there that I am so afraid I am never going to have again. I was accpeted, I was real there and I greeted most days with a smile. I will still greet everyday with a smile and maybe sunshine had to happen to let me see that I can....be...more. I will make anything and everything my own. I will be SOMETHING.

What else.

My relationship. I am still pining over the one I can't have and trying to build a life with the one I can. I am getting better at realizing the potiential of what I have and I am learning that the one I don't have is a friend and that is enough. He is still the person I run to when I am mad at David and that is wrong. That is not helping at all. There is another on my mind but I don't take him seriously. A few years ago I did, but now I am....more mature. Althought I think saying the word mature makes me childish. He makes me smile. And he essential adds excitement to my boring life.


What else am I about.

My children make me smile. They are an endless bundle of energy and excitement and fun and I feel like I need to stop trying to box that in. I am guilty of being a boring mom and a lazy mom. I need to stop that. Laziness rules too much of my life, actually pretty much my whole life. I take the easy route always and I never put all the effort I could into my home life. I need to turn this around. I want to be more for my children and I want them to see that the world is full of beauty and promise....not stress. I am guilty of leading a stress filled life that really has no stress. I make things harder than it needs to be. I need to smile more, think less.....and Live A Lot!

I guess that is it.....I have figured it out.... :D :D

From the Couch

Festering, undying, unrelenting and uncontrolable is my current situation. This situation that makes me me but in turn torments me down to the core. In mind I want things my mouth can't even speak of. I want to touch, I want to feel, I want to lose all control and be pure emotion. I want rare, raw adrenaline. I want something I have never had before. I want someone who doesn't know my name, doesn't know my issues, doesn't care what my body looks like and just wants to be free. I want to scream and smile that smile that can only be smiled when every single last breath has escaped your lips and ever ounce of your body is begging to stop but begging for more at the same time. I want hours. I want this unimaginable desire to take over and for me to become the ceature behind my eyes. I lust for this satisfaction. I twich with this desire to taste the sweetness that could never be. I want adventure. I want to become the Wild Child.

Here comes the bride...

Smiles...big beautiful smiles... that is what a wedding is to me and that is what I do everytime I think of that momment when I walk down the aisle to my glowing fiance. That is my momment. It is going to be amasing!

For those reading this, that will be attending our wedding, I will warn that wedding spoilers will more than likely be in this blog.

I am on a wedding high this week. I have ordered my wedding dress!! That makes this so much more real for me! I can't wait to get it and put it on and know that it is mine! I love my dress and I can't wait for David to see me in it.

I think I have everything under control as far as planning is conserned. The officiant, the ceremony, the reception, the dj, the dress, and everything else. Planning is amasing and challenging all at the sametime. I know it will be amasing no matter what because I am marrying the man of my dreams. I knew the first time that I met him that I would marry him. Something just clicked in me. We just fit together so easily. I hope he knows just how much he means to me!

I am just smiling, sitting her imagining my day. Everything will be beautiful....smile!