Painfully Obvious

Dear Mystery Mind out there in the world
I am sad tonight and mouring for something I don't have...attention. I am going to be painfully truthful with myself and point out that it is not love I am wanting, because I have that. I just don't dazzle his senses, I don't impress him, I feel like I am not enough to capture his interest. This leads me to believe I have to branch out and find someone to dazzle, impress and capture. I don't feel good enough if I don't have a boy pining over me and I know that is my flaw and not everyone elses.
Is it so wrong for me to want a man that finds me atractive? I don't only mean sexually but a man that is drawn to me and wants to be with me and have conversation with me. One that isn't tied to something else. Is it wrong for me to want a man that wants to help me in every way possible. Is it wrong for me to want a man that looks me in the eyes and I can feel that I mean so much to him. Is it wrong for me to want a man that doesn't think sex with me is a joke. With David it is almost as if every suggestive thing I do brings fits of laughter instead of thoughts of intamitcy. He doesn't take me seriously, The other day I said something to him and it is the realest thing to ever pass my lips. "You take your pretend world seriously and your real world as a joke." I'm a joke to him. I want to be completely right for someone.

Did it!

I did it tonight. Three minutes ago in fact. I changed. I got off the bad track and found a new one. I am going to be real. Truthful to the core and I am going to let my past sins be past sins. I have prayed. I asked for forgiveness and I have sought council. The past happened and I deeply regret it and I am always going to but it is time to move on. God will let me be free of the burdens. I do not beseech God as often as I should. Maybe this had to happen to make me see the light anew. Good night. And much love mystery mind!

Once Upon a time....

On a night like today my mind is clear. Too often I stare at this page and try to be deep enough to make sense even though half the time it becomes jumbled. Tonight I sit her and I need to see things in the daylight. Who am I.

Let me start. I am unemployed. I haven't written that yet or even let the words rest in my brain. I have no job and so far no ambition to find anything because I can't wrap my head around not being embraced by the chaos that was Sunshine. That place was home and I feel like my family is now shattered. I miss having people beside me when I needed them and I miss enjoying success, failures, hardships, fun with them. I have tried to think of this as a step forward, but honestly I am terrified of it being a step back. I had something there that I am so afraid I am never going to have again. I was accpeted, I was real there and I greeted most days with a smile. I will still greet everyday with a smile and maybe sunshine had to happen to let me see that I can....be...more. I will make anything and everything my own. I will be SOMETHING.

What else.

My relationship. I am still pining over the one I can't have and trying to build a life with the one I can. I am getting better at realizing the potiential of what I have and I am learning that the one I don't have is a friend and that is enough. He is still the person I run to when I am mad at David and that is wrong. That is not helping at all. There is another on my mind but I don't take him seriously. A few years ago I did, but now I am....more mature. Althought I think saying the word mature makes me childish. He makes me smile. And he essential adds excitement to my boring life.


What else am I about.

My children make me smile. They are an endless bundle of energy and excitement and fun and I feel like I need to stop trying to box that in. I am guilty of being a boring mom and a lazy mom. I need to stop that. Laziness rules too much of my life, actually pretty much my whole life. I take the easy route always and I never put all the effort I could into my home life. I need to turn this around. I want to be more for my children and I want them to see that the world is full of beauty and promise....not stress. I am guilty of leading a stress filled life that really has no stress. I make things harder than it needs to be. I need to smile more, think less.....and Live A Lot!

I guess that is it.....I have figured it out.... :D :D

Not so special

Remember that guy, the one I thought wanted me. The one that was supposed to make it all better. I think he has a gf. I am not surprised, he was always like that. It isn't about the quality, just the quantity. I know one of these days he will message and my world will have to stop for him. But this time it won't. I guess I am over it. Seems as soon as I get burned I give up. People are disappointing me too much these days. I am starting to be pessimistic with people and I always just assume now that the time I will know them will merely be a blip in both of our existances. Oh well...another one bites the dust, other one makes promises that mean nothing and another one sees the real me and runs. I was wrong to think that maybe I could be something special to somone.

Old People

I can't figure old couples out, I can't.....I look at them in wonder and awe as if looking at the sun for the first time. How do two people become to happy, so intertwined and yet blissful. What have they learned that I can't figure out? Is it simply because they have past the hardest part of their lives and now they have each other. I went to a community dance recently and I was one of the youngest people there. I sat and stared at all the couples that were so compatible, so happy. The room was full of them, spinning, dancing and just enjoying each other. No hestiation, no worries, not a care in the world. Ladies so happy to just be in the arms of their loves and men with eye that said they would do anything for their ladies. I feel like I am so far awy from that reality.
Maybe the secret is to just stop worrying?

I am considering getting a tarot card reading done tomorrow to see what it says. I need some guidance and I believe whole heartedly in the woman that will be doing my reading so I guess we shall see what is in the cards.

Yep...another night...

I am sitting here staring at the messaging screen wishing your name would pop up. I am sitting here wondering what would be better, waiting around here, or praying for dream sleep in which you hold me and look into my eyes and tell me that you are never going to leave me. Both are uncertain and it seems the only place you and I exist is in my fanatsies. Maybe that is where this exists soley. Maybe I made it up.
Every night my head hits the pillow and shows me visions of what I wish would happen. Fantasies like me having a tradeshow in Barrie and you coming to see me. My face lights up with a huge smile as I see you for the first time, I run up to you and I hug you with everything that I have. Every inch of me longs to kiss you but I know I can't in front of my co-workers....that would be too messy. They see the joy you bring to me and they tell me to go and take a break. We go, we leave the building and hide around the back and we kiss...and there are fireworks and memories....oh so many memories of what we once had and of how you made me feel and how much I miss you. I sit in your arms and I remember how much I loved this, how safe you always made me feel and how comfortable I felt just being near you. With you I could be myself, I never had to pretend, fake it, be someone else. I was always yours.
Reading that back to myself I realize how lonely I am. I'm always alone.

That pain

So deep, so dreadful, so painful....the regret I am filled with. I want to go back in time so badly and make you mine. I wish I had spoken the words. It is killing me. I love you, I want to be with you and I can't be because I am with him and he is the father of my children and they are the most important thing and they need their father. I am sick to my stomach constantly with the pain of not being with you. I miss you so much and I feel so sad that our time is over. Every night I wait with baited breath for you to come on line. I am only really happy now when I am talking to you. Only then does it feel like the world is right. My heart is broken, it hurts, it is crying and the worst part is there is nothing I can do about it. I wish there was a rewind button and I could start my life over again. I want to go back to when I first met you and I want to cling to you and never let go. I want you to be mine. I want to hold you. I want you, to be here, I want to see you, I want it to be the way it is in my dreams. You tell me it is the same for you. I just want you. It isn't even about sex anymore...I just want to be with you.

You won't get it

Here it is mystery mind. D and I are going to be engaging in an open relationship. We want this, need this and we have talked about it a lot. We have spoke of downfalls, of benefits, of what scares us and about what excites us. We have talked long, we have talked hard and we want this.
This allows me to endulge in a world of fantasies I have never experienced. I am excited. This is different for me and so new. I am scared because I am not really sure if a larger girl can endulge the way I want to.
I have a prospect. A safe prospect. I am taking the light. I want the light in the way my body craves, My mind is always on that one all consuming thing. How can I get laid tonight. My husband has the lowest sex drive I have ever seen in either a man or woman. I have tried getting his to want me, to want sex and it has not gone well. It has been this way for 7 years, he is not going to change and this desire is a massive part of me. It is in a sense what makes me me.
I am erotic, I am sexy and I live for the momment when I can attack my prey. I crave sex daily, hourly and will never ever turn it down as long as it is approved of in the eyes owf my husband.
I want to have sex do badly that I am letting my husband havesex with another woman. I am hoping this will increase his general want for sex. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. This is not about love, this is about a primal need that must be forfilled.
I am a creature of sex, I am temptress and I use my tongue to endulge fantasies. I am purely an animal.

Sunshine part 2

The world just can not get enough love. In this tiny house we have enough love for the whole world. My children are my everything, that is not just an expression of words but truely an expression of heart. I sit here and I watch my tiny boy sleeping. He face twiches and smiles as if his dreams are amasing. I like to think about what is playing in he head, something incredible I am sure.
Watching my girls grow leaves me in awe. There is no way to explain how my heart melts are the thought of how they will change this world. Giving love brings love and it multiplies.

I haven't had a sunshine day in so long, I have been under pressure, under stress and undercover. Today is a little bit more than the last few have been. It is 10:39 in the moring and I feel as if I have lived a whole day since 7am this morning. I am happy.

Today is going to be a blog friendly day...tonight....will be epic.

Can't do it....

Here it is....I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I am just living life in a shell, I am not engaging ing life, I am not enjoying life and I am not living life. You don't care, you really don't....I don't know what I expected but I guess I just expected you would be there. I can't keep this up.

I need to find a way to cope with life and right now I am glued to my inbox. I can't get over you and I have cried so much my eyes hurt and now I guess I just have to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. I am fucking pissed, I don't want to be but I guess if it is that easy for you to drop me means it wasn't as strong as I thought it was. You just want me to change my whole life for you but you don't want to be my friend, you say you can't be. I feel like you ran into my life, said everything i have ever wanted to say and then you were gone...poof
I can't appologise, I can't change anything, I don't want to take anything away from what we had and I can't contain how this feels.
I love my husband, I do.....I have been with him almost every single day for the past 7 years. I have shared everything with him, I have bonded with him and I have a connection with him. He is my rock, he is there and he is the father of my children. He is a major part of me.

I love you in a different way, in a raw way, in a sensual way. I love you because you make me feel alive, you make me feel better, you make me feel happy and you make me more. I have not felt the way I do talking to you in so long and now I can't cope without you. You don't get it. I am hurting and I need you so much to keep me happy. I am selfish, I am greedy and I don't give a fuck at this point. I am so sorry that I can't uproot my life for you. I am beyond this point now. I don't know what that means. I don't know how to deal with this. I just can't right now. I am really sorry about everything and I don't want you to regret me and you do. I hate this, hate this hate this hate this hate this fucking bullshit.....

This is it....I am through....
GOOD BYE.

Image

I am staring at an old photo of myself tonight and in it I am young and hot and attractive. I had a firm body with little body fat, perky little boobs that I always wished were bigger. I thought I was fat, I weighed 120lbs and I told myself everyday that I was a fat pig.
Now when I look in the mirror I am puzzled as to what I should think of myself. I have an endless supply of dislikes when it comes to the person I see staring back. I have belly fat leftover from carrying my children, no part of me is nearly as skinny as I once was. But here is the odd thing.....
I don't look at myself with disgust.
Back in this picture I couldn't look at my body without finding faults...defects...imperfections and ugliness....and I would kill to look that way now. Yet with this imprefect body I now have, I am not unhappy. Yes I can't wear the clothing I once could, I struggle to find clothes that compliment. But I am happy with me. For me this is a big thing.
I have always been a private person when it comes to things that I consider weakness. Never ever would I confess how awful I was to myself in order to try and impress members of the opposite sex. I based so much on getting attention from certain guys back in high school. Now I look back and I can't help but laugh at my feeble attempts to find santuary. In essence santuary at that time for me was having someone "love" me or at least be attached to me. It meant so much when I had a "boyfriend". I use these terms loosely as back then holding hands and kissing was a major step in a relationship. I put myself down so much just to seek out...acceptance.
I don't know who I was trying to be in the past. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with my attempts to attract guys to my side, but it felt like it meant everything.
Now.... I am loved, truely loved. Maybe that is the difference. Real love means acceptance of each other fully and without reservation. I am completely commited to my man because our love is not shallow or self centered or greedy. I do for him more so than I do for myself because I want to. Everything I am is based on real true lasting love, not air filled, cotton candy dreams and crushes. Reality in life allows for reality in oneself

Beauty.....

The smallest things in life are amasing. One of my best friends gave birth yesterday to a little girl. Seeing that little tiny baby just made me realize how big my little baby is now. It is amasing how quickly babies grow. It is hard to just sit back and capture the momment sometimes. It just amases me!
I have been feeling like I have a little more energy lately. I was able to complete a lot of things that I have been wanting to. Sara is with my mom for a little while and it gives me time to hang out with my little Makayla. I love watching her play and laugh and just be a little person. She has been really grumpy lately and it is really trying David and I. There are days when I would give anything for her to just be happy. Some days nothing at all works at it makes me crazy. I have to sit back and just let her get it out of her system and I just have to remember to breath. It is hard, I will not pretend I am a put together mom that can handle it all the time. She has developed this stage where she can not be held by any other woman. Sometime she will it with a guy for a little while before getting aggitated. But she will not even look at another woman other than her mommy, not even grandma. It is hard when your child is so demanding.
Hmmmm....where else am I in life?.... I am planning like crazy for the Buck and Doe. I think it will be a blast if I can get people in the door. I am really excited for it!

Nothing else is going on in my life right now. I am a full blow domesticated mommy and I am really understanding that being a mommy means so much in so many ways! I love my babies and my superman! Kiss!

Here comes the bride...

Smiles...big beautiful smiles... that is what a wedding is to me and that is what I do everytime I think of that momment when I walk down the aisle to my glowing fiance. That is my momment. It is going to be amasing!

For those reading this, that will be attending our wedding, I will warn that wedding spoilers will more than likely be in this blog.

I am on a wedding high this week. I have ordered my wedding dress!! That makes this so much more real for me! I can't wait to get it and put it on and know that it is mine! I love my dress and I can't wait for David to see me in it.

I think I have everything under control as far as planning is conserned. The officiant, the ceremony, the reception, the dj, the dress, and everything else. Planning is amasing and challenging all at the sametime. I know it will be amasing no matter what because I am marrying the man of my dreams. I knew the first time that I met him that I would marry him. Something just clicked in me. We just fit together so easily. I hope he knows just how much he means to me!

I am just smiling, sitting her imagining my day. Everything will be beautiful....smile!