Painfully Obvious

Dear Mystery Mind out there in the world
I am sad tonight and mouring for something I don't have...attention. I am going to be painfully truthful with myself and point out that it is not love I am wanting, because I have that. I just don't dazzle his senses, I don't impress him, I feel like I am not enough to capture his interest. This leads me to believe I have to branch out and find someone to dazzle, impress and capture. I don't feel good enough if I don't have a boy pining over me and I know that is my flaw and not everyone elses.
Is it so wrong for me to want a man that finds me atractive? I don't only mean sexually but a man that is drawn to me and wants to be with me and have conversation with me. One that isn't tied to something else. Is it wrong for me to want a man that wants to help me in every way possible. Is it wrong for me to want a man that looks me in the eyes and I can feel that I mean so much to him. Is it wrong for me to want a man that doesn't think sex with me is a joke. With David it is almost as if every suggestive thing I do brings fits of laughter instead of thoughts of intamitcy. He doesn't take me seriously, The other day I said something to him and it is the realest thing to ever pass my lips. "You take your pretend world seriously and your real world as a joke." I'm a joke to him. I want to be completely right for someone.

Not so special

Remember that guy, the one I thought wanted me. The one that was supposed to make it all better. I think he has a gf. I am not surprised, he was always like that. It isn't about the quality, just the quantity. I know one of these days he will message and my world will have to stop for him. But this time it won't. I guess I am over it. Seems as soon as I get burned I give up. People are disappointing me too much these days. I am starting to be pessimistic with people and I always just assume now that the time I will know them will merely be a blip in both of our existances. Oh well...another one bites the dust, other one makes promises that mean nothing and another one sees the real me and runs. I was wrong to think that maybe I could be something special to somone.

Image

I am staring at an old photo of myself tonight and in it I am young and hot and attractive. I had a firm body with little body fat, perky little boobs that I always wished were bigger. I thought I was fat, I weighed 120lbs and I told myself everyday that I was a fat pig.
Now when I look in the mirror I am puzzled as to what I should think of myself. I have an endless supply of dislikes when it comes to the person I see staring back. I have belly fat leftover from carrying my children, no part of me is nearly as skinny as I once was. But here is the odd thing.....
I don't look at myself with disgust.
Back in this picture I couldn't look at my body without finding faults...defects...imperfections and ugliness....and I would kill to look that way now. Yet with this imprefect body I now have, I am not unhappy. Yes I can't wear the clothing I once could, I struggle to find clothes that compliment. But I am happy with me. For me this is a big thing.
I have always been a private person when it comes to things that I consider weakness. Never ever would I confess how awful I was to myself in order to try and impress members of the opposite sex. I based so much on getting attention from certain guys back in high school. Now I look back and I can't help but laugh at my feeble attempts to find santuary. In essence santuary at that time for me was having someone "love" me or at least be attached to me. It meant so much when I had a "boyfriend". I use these terms loosely as back then holding hands and kissing was a major step in a relationship. I put myself down so much just to seek out...acceptance.
I don't know who I was trying to be in the past. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with my attempts to attract guys to my side, but it felt like it meant everything.
Now.... I am loved, truely loved. Maybe that is the difference. Real love means acceptance of each other fully and without reservation. I am completely commited to my man because our love is not shallow or self centered or greedy. I do for him more so than I do for myself because I want to. Everything I am is based on real true lasting love, not air filled, cotton candy dreams and crushes. Reality in life allows for reality in oneself