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I am staring at an old photo of myself tonight and in it I am young and hot and attractive. I had a firm body with little body fat, perky little boobs that I always wished were bigger. I thought I was fat, I weighed 120lbs and I told myself everyday that I was a fat pig.
Now when I look in the mirror I am puzzled as to what I should think of myself. I have an endless supply of dislikes when it comes to the person I see staring back. I have belly fat leftover from carrying my children, no part of me is nearly as skinny as I once was. But here is the odd thing.....
I don't look at myself with disgust.
Back in this picture I couldn't look at my body without finding faults...defects...imperfections and ugliness....and I would kill to look that way now. Yet with this imprefect body I now have, I am not unhappy. Yes I can't wear the clothing I once could, I struggle to find clothes that compliment. But I am happy with me. For me this is a big thing.
I have always been a private person when it comes to things that I consider weakness. Never ever would I confess how awful I was to myself in order to try and impress members of the opposite sex. I based so much on getting attention from certain guys back in high school. Now I look back and I can't help but laugh at my feeble attempts to find santuary. In essence santuary at that time for me was having someone "love" me or at least be attached to me. It meant so much when I had a "boyfriend". I use these terms loosely as back then holding hands and kissing was a major step in a relationship. I put myself down so much just to seek out...acceptance.
I don't know who I was trying to be in the past. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with my attempts to attract guys to my side, but it felt like it meant everything.
Now.... I am loved, truely loved. Maybe that is the difference. Real love means acceptance of each other fully and without reservation. I am completely commited to my man because our love is not shallow or self centered or greedy. I do for him more so than I do for myself because I want to. Everything I am is based on real true lasting love, not air filled, cotton candy dreams and crushes. Reality in life allows for reality in oneself