Reality...

I have realized why I created this blog....it is better to type and talk to myself than to not talk or type at all. I am lonely. David and I won't see each other much today as he has a lot of work tonight and needs to sleep all day to prep for it. I will not see or speak to another adult today. It is hard when the only person to hear your voice is a two year old who is rebelling.
I am not in a great state of mind today. I just don't feel happy. I am cold, I can't warm up no matter how many sweaters I wear. I fear I am getting sick. Being sick with children is the hardest thing in the world. You still have to operate no mattter what. I have my fiance for help but he has to work, he has to bring in the money so I have to do my job and suck it up. I have no energy, I feel exhausted like I haven't slept in days. Nights have been rough lately as Makayla isn't sleeping through anymore.
I am worried about my mental state. I have just been discharged from my therapist but I almost wish that I hadn't been. I don't feel better, or happy....but I think I have fooled the doctors which is exactly what I wanted to do. But maybe it is just the rough patch I am in with Sara. I am trying to be more assertive with her as I feel she is starting to be in control when it should be me that is in control. She hits, kicks, doesn't listen....just rebells and it is deficult to deal with. We use time out as our method of disapline. If she does something bad she goes on the time out chair for 2 minutes, if she constantly screams or doesn't stay on her time out chair she gets addition minutes. If it something very bad like hitting or throwing things then she goes to her bed for time out. Afterwards she must say she is sorry and what she is sorry for and apologise to the person injured by her. It seems to work most times but today it feels like she is living on time out....and that is emotionally exhausting for me.
I feel like I desperatly need a break but I can't have one. Makayla must be with me at all times. To leave her with any family will simply not work. She will scream and scream until she falls asleep. It is so hard.
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