Once Upon a time....

On a night like today my mind is clear. Too often I stare at this page and try to be deep enough to make sense even though half the time it becomes jumbled. Tonight I sit her and I need to see things in the daylight. Who am I.

Let me start. I am unemployed. I haven't written that yet or even let the words rest in my brain. I have no job and so far no ambition to find anything because I can't wrap my head around not being embraced by the chaos that was Sunshine. That place was home and I feel like my family is now shattered. I miss having people beside me when I needed them and I miss enjoying success, failures, hardships, fun with them. I have tried to think of this as a step forward, but honestly I am terrified of it being a step back. I had something there that I am so afraid I am never going to have again. I was accpeted, I was real there and I greeted most days with a smile. I will still greet everyday with a smile and maybe sunshine had to happen to let me see that I can....be...more. I will make anything and everything my own. I will be SOMETHING.

What else.

My relationship. I am still pining over the one I can't have and trying to build a life with the one I can. I am getting better at realizing the potiential of what I have and I am learning that the one I don't have is a friend and that is enough. He is still the person I run to when I am mad at David and that is wrong. That is not helping at all. There is another on my mind but I don't take him seriously. A few years ago I did, but now I am....more mature. Althought I think saying the word mature makes me childish. He makes me smile. And he essential adds excitement to my boring life.


What else am I about.

My children make me smile. They are an endless bundle of energy and excitement and fun and I feel like I need to stop trying to box that in. I am guilty of being a boring mom and a lazy mom. I need to stop that. Laziness rules too much of my life, actually pretty much my whole life. I take the easy route always and I never put all the effort I could into my home life. I need to turn this around. I want to be more for my children and I want them to see that the world is full of beauty and promise....not stress. I am guilty of leading a stress filled life that really has no stress. I make things harder than it needs to be. I need to smile more, think less.....and Live A Lot!

I guess that is it.....I have figured it out.... :D :D

Sunshine part 2

The world just can not get enough love. In this tiny house we have enough love for the whole world. My children are my everything, that is not just an expression of words but truely an expression of heart. I sit here and I watch my tiny boy sleeping. He face twiches and smiles as if his dreams are amasing. I like to think about what is playing in he head, something incredible I am sure.
Watching my girls grow leaves me in awe. There is no way to explain how my heart melts are the thought of how they will change this world. Giving love brings love and it multiplies.

I haven't had a sunshine day in so long, I have been under pressure, under stress and undercover. Today is a little bit more than the last few have been. It is 10:39 in the moring and I feel as if I have lived a whole day since 7am this morning. I am happy.

Today is going to be a blog friendly day...tonight....will be epic.