Once Upon a time....

On a night like today my mind is clear. Too often I stare at this page and try to be deep enough to make sense even though half the time it becomes jumbled. Tonight I sit her and I need to see things in the daylight. Who am I.

Let me start. I am unemployed. I haven't written that yet or even let the words rest in my brain. I have no job and so far no ambition to find anything because I can't wrap my head around not being embraced by the chaos that was Sunshine. That place was home and I feel like my family is now shattered. I miss having people beside me when I needed them and I miss enjoying success, failures, hardships, fun with them. I have tried to think of this as a step forward, but honestly I am terrified of it being a step back. I had something there that I am so afraid I am never going to have again. I was accpeted, I was real there and I greeted most days with a smile. I will still greet everyday with a smile and maybe sunshine had to happen to let me see that I can....be...more. I will make anything and everything my own. I will be SOMETHING.

What else.

My relationship. I am still pining over the one I can't have and trying to build a life with the one I can. I am getting better at realizing the potiential of what I have and I am learning that the one I don't have is a friend and that is enough. He is still the person I run to when I am mad at David and that is wrong. That is not helping at all. There is another on my mind but I don't take him seriously. A few years ago I did, but now I am....more mature. Althought I think saying the word mature makes me childish. He makes me smile. And he essential adds excitement to my boring life.


What else am I about.

My children make me smile. They are an endless bundle of energy and excitement and fun and I feel like I need to stop trying to box that in. I am guilty of being a boring mom and a lazy mom. I need to stop that. Laziness rules too much of my life, actually pretty much my whole life. I take the easy route always and I never put all the effort I could into my home life. I need to turn this around. I want to be more for my children and I want them to see that the world is full of beauty and promise....not stress. I am guilty of leading a stress filled life that really has no stress. I make things harder than it needs to be. I need to smile more, think less.....and Live A Lot!

I guess that is it.....I have figured it out.... :D :D

Ice Water

My thoughts go to the cold, even though this may seem dramatic, it sees me bare foot and direct. It sees me placing one foot in front of the other and clearly progressing. It sees no thought, it sees no vision, it feels no wind, it feels nothing. Down the street in the snow this vision takes me, my feet should fail on the ice but they stride along as if on track. My mind is blank.To the place where the water meets the moon does this thought go. I look at the sky, at the moon. I look past the ice, past the snow, past it all and only see the white shining moon. My feet stop to look, thoughts do not come, warning is no good. Automatically my legs move, mechianically the start ahead. My eyes, unblinking stare at the moon. Even as the icy slush swells around my legs, even as the ice tries to stop me. I stare at the moon and become a part of it. I stare at the moon and feel nothing. I water creeps slowly higher as I move toward the light. That light is the only thing that matters now, I see nothing else. I feel nothing else, I want nothing else. I feel calm, my soul feels closed. My body now shuts down as it must. I lay down in surreder and never once think of what is coming to pass. My vision sees the stars, twinkling, shining, shimmering. Beautiful. I stare unblinking at the stars, no thoughts fill my head, finally completely free, finally there is no noise, no stress. The stars start to fade and I close my eyes. I don't want to see the stars in any other light.