Ice Water

My thoughts go to the cold, even though this may seem dramatic, it sees me bare foot and direct. It sees me placing one foot in front of the other and clearly progressing. It sees no thought, it sees no vision, it feels no wind, it feels nothing. Down the street in the snow this vision takes me, my feet should fail on the ice but they stride along as if on track. My mind is blank.To the place where the water meets the moon does this thought go. I look at the sky, at the moon. I look past the ice, past the snow, past it all and only see the white shining moon. My feet stop to look, thoughts do not come, warning is no good. Automatically my legs move, mechianically the start ahead. My eyes, unblinking stare at the moon. Even as the icy slush swells around my legs, even as the ice tries to stop me. I stare at the moon and become a part of it. I stare at the moon and feel nothing. I water creeps slowly higher as I move toward the light. That light is the only thing that matters now, I see nothing else. I feel nothing else, I want nothing else. I feel calm, my soul feels closed. My body now shuts down as it must. I lay down in surreder and never once think of what is coming to pass. My vision sees the stars, twinkling, shining, shimmering. Beautiful. I stare unblinking at the stars, no thoughts fill my head, finally completely free, finally there is no noise, no stress. The stars start to fade and I close my eyes. I don't want to see the stars in any other light.

Yep...another night...

I am sitting here staring at the messaging screen wishing your name would pop up. I am sitting here wondering what would be better, waiting around here, or praying for dream sleep in which you hold me and look into my eyes and tell me that you are never going to leave me. Both are uncertain and it seems the only place you and I exist is in my fanatsies. Maybe that is where this exists soley. Maybe I made it up.
Every night my head hits the pillow and shows me visions of what I wish would happen. Fantasies like me having a tradeshow in Barrie and you coming to see me. My face lights up with a huge smile as I see you for the first time, I run up to you and I hug you with everything that I have. Every inch of me longs to kiss you but I know I can't in front of my co-workers....that would be too messy. They see the joy you bring to me and they tell me to go and take a break. We go, we leave the building and hide around the back and we kiss...and there are fireworks and memories....oh so many memories of what we once had and of how you made me feel and how much I miss you. I sit in your arms and I remember how much I loved this, how safe you always made me feel and how comfortable I felt just being near you. With you I could be myself, I never had to pretend, fake it, be someone else. I was always yours.
Reading that back to myself I realize how lonely I am. I'm always alone.