Old People

I can't figure old couples out, I can't.....I look at them in wonder and awe as if looking at the sun for the first time. How do two people become to happy, so intertwined and yet blissful. What have they learned that I can't figure out? Is it simply because they have past the hardest part of their lives and now they have each other. I went to a community dance recently and I was one of the youngest people there. I sat and stared at all the couples that were so compatible, so happy. The room was full of them, spinning, dancing and just enjoying each other. No hestiation, no worries, not a care in the world. Ladies so happy to just be in the arms of their loves and men with eye that said they would do anything for their ladies. I feel like I am so far awy from that reality.
Maybe the secret is to just stop worrying?

I am considering getting a tarot card reading done tomorrow to see what it says. I need some guidance and I believe whole heartedly in the woman that will be doing my reading so I guess we shall see what is in the cards.

Yep...another night...

I am sitting here staring at the messaging screen wishing your name would pop up. I am sitting here wondering what would be better, waiting around here, or praying for dream sleep in which you hold me and look into my eyes and tell me that you are never going to leave me. Both are uncertain and it seems the only place you and I exist is in my fanatsies. Maybe that is where this exists soley. Maybe I made it up.
Every night my head hits the pillow and shows me visions of what I wish would happen. Fantasies like me having a tradeshow in Barrie and you coming to see me. My face lights up with a huge smile as I see you for the first time, I run up to you and I hug you with everything that I have. Every inch of me longs to kiss you but I know I can't in front of my co-workers....that would be too messy. They see the joy you bring to me and they tell me to go and take a break. We go, we leave the building and hide around the back and we kiss...and there are fireworks and memories....oh so many memories of what we once had and of how you made me feel and how much I miss you. I sit in your arms and I remember how much I loved this, how safe you always made me feel and how comfortable I felt just being near you. With you I could be myself, I never had to pretend, fake it, be someone else. I was always yours.
Reading that back to myself I realize how lonely I am. I'm always alone.

Is this my world?
I have listened to this song about 500 times tonight.
Dear Heart - What the fuck??
Dear Eyes - Please don't cry, it isn't helping....I don't know what I am morning.
I told someone that I loved him but I wasn't in love with him anymore. But as soon as I say those words I cry for the past. Once it was good, once I was so in love with him that I would have done anything for him. Can I see my world without him......no......why...because no matter what he is on the other end of the phone when I need him, when everything else becomes too much. No one else is. You tell me I am the one you want, that you would give up everything for, that you love, that you need, that you want in every way possible yet when I message you after praying, pleading for the little green dot to appear you don't respond. You aren't there when I am inconvient. I am starting to feel like I am not what you told me I was to you. I am so confused with everything and in the end....I don't know what I want and I am not going to move from my place....because here....I have my place.


Another night in tears

How I know it is real

Here is the thing....my brain will not shut off and I don't want it to. Turns out I love him and it is getting the point where it is just going to happen. Eventually David will figure all this out, how I feel and he isn't going to like it. Eventually this is going to come to a head. Am I smart, nope....Am I selfish, it feels like it. But I can't stop how I feel. He makes me glow, he makes me feel warm and it hurts when he is not around. I am going to see him somewhere and I am going to hug him and David is going to see that my heart has been stolen away.