Turns out

He looks at porn. I allowed it, I don't care about it right...I can't be an uptight bitch about it right. I mean there is nothing wrong with it right, except that he is disguested by me. I have to let him because I am so horribly ugly that he can't stand me...he has to look at other woman, it would be cruel of me to force him to only look at his wife naked for the rest of his life. How can he keep hurting me like this.
It is becoming clearer and clearer that he doesn't care about how anything makes me feel. He is hurting me again. I don't know how to stop crying. Everyday I cry because he can't stand me, he makes it clear that he doesn't care if he hurts me.
I need to get out of this realationship. Honestly I think about it a lot, think about how much better I would feel about myself without constantly being made to feel like a piece of shsit. But who the fuck am I kidding. I will be stuck here forever and all of my problems will get worse. I can't get past this and I have no way to afford to be out of this so forever I will remain until one day I can't stnad it anymore. One day when the kids are grown and don't need me and then I can just run away.
I hate this. But what the fuck can I do....I just have to find a way to erase the ugly.