Because my brain operates in status up-dates

I am a vivid status up-dater but actually I post a lot less times than I really could because I literally thing in status posts.
Right this minute by update thoughts include
"how does one sick woman accomplish more than one healthy man in one day? Simple. Just add playstation."
"The ultimate momma work out - place cranky children that wake up constantly upstairs and the computer, tv and all other sources of entertainment downstairs."

Blah. Mama is sick. Now remember, this is not allowed. Nope. Just not. Well today it was, I slept all day. I had no choice, I thought I was dying. Daddy had to take over and somehow he was able to do it all without putting down the playstation stick. Still trying to figure that one out.
I am trying oh-so-hard to christmas-ise my house. It is hard, because I am lacking in spirit. Blame it on the lack of snow, the sickness or this damn cold but it seems I would much rather listen to Distrubed than Jingle Bells. Life is hard right now. One are litterally one can of corn away from the food bank. I cringe at the thought of how we are going to buy gifts for everyone this year. Everyone is just going to have to understand when we hand them a $10 gift card and say Merry Christmas. I hate the thought of it but that is just life.

I need to just win the freakin' lottery. That would take away every single problem that I am having. I know people say it is always green on the other side until you are there but let me see it for myself. It would take away this court matter, all our finacial problems, my stress over how to provide for my children and show everyone how much they mean to me. It would also allow me to half one more baby. Yes, I know, I have said I don't want another but my head and heart wants another one. I won't have one though given our finacial status, I don't think it would be a good idea at all. I am just going to have to live with this, and it isn't a regret, just a longing for more.

I am hurtin and stressed and I have so much anxiety related to this court case and having to be out of my comfort zone that it really is causing me to be afraid. I am trying to be strong and not break down and I keep putting off anything to do with this until I absolutely have to because it just makes me numb. I need help and I am not getting help from anywhere. Not even David. I don't feel like we are a couple in this matter, it is me doding everything and him just waiting in the background now really caring how this turns out as long as he doesn't have to do anything. The playstation is his sun, his god, his ruler and all consuming time dominator. I am so fed up with all of this and it is not making my mindset any better.

I am lost, more lost than I have ever ever ever been in my life and I can't pull myself out of this meerky state I am in.

Ammendment

Because my brain is not stopping I am doing this again. I still can't process what is happening in my mind. How is this possible? The mystery that surrounds these circumstances makes this all the more daring. But....what if I am wrong. This could be just me, only me and that could destroy me. I am vunerable in a different way and that makes me weak. I am not sure what this is supposed to be.
I've put it out there, put myself out there more than I wanted to and kinda liked it. It is the words that are still haunting me. The last statement the most, no one has ever said that to me. It changed me. I am crazy and time alone has driven me to insanity. I am sad, because I don't know what this means in a different way. How does it affect the world we have built, it could shatter it, but even if it doesn't has something crumbled and left my defenses bare. I am not supposedto need defenses anymore. That is what the gold has told me, it symbolises the demise of this, of this need.
Forged objects are weakest in the heat and that might be exactly what this is. All because of an enlightenment of sorts within myself that allows me to be...beautiful. Stagnet developments need to be washed away. This is too hard for me to bare and it seems I am just going to let the wind take me where it is going to, that has served me well in the past....or has it. What has happened, how is it that I can't stand on my two feet anymore. I am thin, spread much to thin for my brain to seek something so frivolous, or maybe that is the point.
Is life this hard for everyone. Right now there is really only one area of my life that is not in peril, well sort of...
the thing that scares me is that I don't know myself. I could see this seeking out the very depths that it wants to and that would be followed by a break in the true existance of everything. Mental and physical limits are being tested on a new scale. I have been on this scale before and been wrong and then been happy the limits were not exceeded, but that didn't improve my smile at the end of the day.
It comes down to want, at least it does in my head. But what part of the want is the most important. I know what part is to me but that is lacking on the closest side of this thing
It is there in abundance on the opposite side, but that is because of the shininess of it. And because of the desire.
I must refrain from showing my feels outward in any reaction. This will be a challenge.
For now, it is present in the lines but hidden from outward advances. I am worried I am tempting karma and faith...

Because it is different, easy

My brain is doing what it ought not. I have told it to stop, that it is wrong and that it is pointless. Yet, it wanders still. Uncontrollable emotions flood in and now I am aglow. As soon as sight and sound link up the words bring me to life. I feel like I am living for that momment. When it happens I have to control my emotion, control my plan, my urge. It seems I am locked in a room of freedom, the chance to run away. Like Shakespear I dance around the words that I am frightened to type, to admit and to let be real. What is this, where am I now. I guess I have found an escape, but it is not an escape. It is a false reality that has no point, no direction. But isn't that what freedom is about.
It is the words that are said that stagger in my brain. I can't fathom the things said to me. They seem like a dream and it is so refreshing. I want to be asleep and only now feel that is full of happiness. It is hard for me to see past faults. Much harder than it has ever been before. The sit plainly in front of my face, maybe that is because I am ndot clouded in my sight. This isn't the way it has to be, but it is. The hardest part of ending is starting again. Is it because everything around is so impossible. I need a fresh start, completely. I have fucked up so badily that there is nothing left, not at all. My future is fucked, my present is strained and impossible. I am not wrong in needing to be gone. Run away now a part of me says.
Did I do the wrong thing. What is this.

Don't blink

Am I the only one that wonders how the hell I got to where I am. I feel like I woke up one morning and suddenly I had a husband and three children. Like I closed my eyes and my reality shifted and changed and in reality I don't know how to navigate this state.
I have doubts in my ability be perform in the role I occupy. I am not this person inside, I am a black hole of distruction that was never released, never realized.
This superficial plain is beyond my understanding. I look around and I wonder how the hell society got to this place. For real....nothing is needed, nothing really matters except the people who occupy your time. This money, this lack of social standing are just a platform for dispar. I can't survive in this disaster, but what happens if you fail. I am going to be at the low end of the totam pole for the rest of my life. What I have now is the life I will occupy. I need a miricle. A true to life miricle that can get me out from under the world. Stick me on my feet. Make me believe again.
This world is full of What If's. I need true freedom, I need to see true beauty in something other than my kids. I am not in this world, I am just passing by and looking in. My eyes cry real tears, they trickle down my cheeks because everything is so uncertain. I am losing my reality.
No one gets it, they walk through life like zombies and never look around and get off the track and truely connect with anything. I am lost....I feel off the track and I saw what is really happening. I see terror, I see sorrow, I am missing the sunshine, the smiles, the real true happiness that has no hidden catches. I want to smile and not worry about where ever cent is.
I will write it here. We are poor, we are in debt and we are screwed. There is nothing I can do. I have screwed up my life and I don't think it can be fixed, I now just have to endure.

Just one click

And the blank page is there. It does not judge, for it does not see me. Outward appreances are everything in this shallow world. I have to play the game. But I will admit it is not for the benfit of the game that I want to play.
In 5 days I am 25 years old, I am 112lbs as of today. In 5 days I start to change. I want this, and I know I am starting to need this. My asthma is the worst it has been in years and I have never been this heavy. I want to lose 80lbs. That number is scary, that number seems far away and impossible. I can handle 40lbs. Right now I am going to focus on that and I am going to give myself a year.
I will be 172lbs as of November 15th 2011. I am making this blog my offically record of my goal, of my plan and of my determination. I need this to happen.
I need to for my kids, they need a mom who can run, can play and can live a full life
I need to for me, I want to be here and living for as long as I can
I need to for my relationship
I need to for my confidence
I need to for my career
I need to for every single aspect of my life and I will make this happen.

Frist step - get organized, make a meal plan that will allow me to jump start my metabolism and give me energy.

lets do this first step