Don't blink

Am I the only one that wonders how the hell I got to where I am. I feel like I woke up one morning and suddenly I had a husband and three children. Like I closed my eyes and my reality shifted and changed and in reality I don't know how to navigate this state.
I have doubts in my ability be perform in the role I occupy. I am not this person inside, I am a black hole of distruction that was never released, never realized.
This superficial plain is beyond my understanding. I look around and I wonder how the hell society got to this place. For real....nothing is needed, nothing really matters except the people who occupy your time. This money, this lack of social standing are just a platform for dispar. I can't survive in this disaster, but what happens if you fail. I am going to be at the low end of the totam pole for the rest of my life. What I have now is the life I will occupy. I need a miricle. A true to life miricle that can get me out from under the world. Stick me on my feet. Make me believe again.
This world is full of What If's. I need true freedom, I need to see true beauty in something other than my kids. I am not in this world, I am just passing by and looking in. My eyes cry real tears, they trickle down my cheeks because everything is so uncertain. I am losing my reality.
No one gets it, they walk through life like zombies and never look around and get off the track and truely connect with anything. I am lost....I feel off the track and I saw what is really happening. I see terror, I see sorrow, I am missing the sunshine, the smiles, the real true happiness that has no hidden catches. I want to smile and not worry about where ever cent is.
I will write it here. We are poor, we are in debt and we are screwed. There is nothing I can do. I have screwed up my life and I don't think it can be fixed, I now just have to endure.