Because my brain operates in status up-dates

I am a vivid status up-dater but actually I post a lot less times than I really could because I literally thing in status posts.
Right this minute by update thoughts include
"how does one sick woman accomplish more than one healthy man in one day? Simple. Just add playstation."
"The ultimate momma work out - place cranky children that wake up constantly upstairs and the computer, tv and all other sources of entertainment downstairs."

Blah. Mama is sick. Now remember, this is not allowed. Nope. Just not. Well today it was, I slept all day. I had no choice, I thought I was dying. Daddy had to take over and somehow he was able to do it all without putting down the playstation stick. Still trying to figure that one out.
I am trying oh-so-hard to christmas-ise my house. It is hard, because I am lacking in spirit. Blame it on the lack of snow, the sickness or this damn cold but it seems I would much rather listen to Distrubed than Jingle Bells. Life is hard right now. One are litterally one can of corn away from the food bank. I cringe at the thought of how we are going to buy gifts for everyone this year. Everyone is just going to have to understand when we hand them a $10 gift card and say Merry Christmas. I hate the thought of it but that is just life.

I need to just win the freakin' lottery. That would take away every single problem that I am having. I know people say it is always green on the other side until you are there but let me see it for myself. It would take away this court matter, all our finacial problems, my stress over how to provide for my children and show everyone how much they mean to me. It would also allow me to half one more baby. Yes, I know, I have said I don't want another but my head and heart wants another one. I won't have one though given our finacial status, I don't think it would be a good idea at all. I am just going to have to live with this, and it isn't a regret, just a longing for more.

I am hurtin and stressed and I have so much anxiety related to this court case and having to be out of my comfort zone that it really is causing me to be afraid. I am trying to be strong and not break down and I keep putting off anything to do with this until I absolutely have to because it just makes me numb. I need help and I am not getting help from anywhere. Not even David. I don't feel like we are a couple in this matter, it is me doding everything and him just waiting in the background now really caring how this turns out as long as he doesn't have to do anything. The playstation is his sun, his god, his ruler and all consuming time dominator. I am so fed up with all of this and it is not making my mindset any better.

I am lost, more lost than I have ever ever ever been in my life and I can't pull myself out of this meerky state I am in.