Control

Life it seems to me is all about control. When you are the one doing the controlling you are on top. But when you are the one controlled you wallow at the bottom. He is in control in a sense and it hurts me. I have no rights to be in control, I mean I have done the same with no shame and yet his escapades have left me broken. I wish I was stronger because then the words spoken to another female wouldn't hurt. It is always the way in this relationship of mine that I get kicked when I am down. Right now I am not allowed to feel the way I want. I can't wear make up so I look like shit. My acne is worse than it ever has been, I am fat. My teeth will never be fixed and all in all I look like the punch line to every hick joke ever created. It is in this fraile state that my tears come frequently and it is beginning to feel as if I don't know how to exist without tears streaming down my face. This relationship hurts, but that is the same for all relationships at one time or another, right?

Real Life

Who Am I
I am lazy, I am unproductive. I am tired all the time. I am scared, I am lonely. I am ugly, I am painful. I don't want remorse. I don't want pity. I don't want you to even think of me. I am the hidden, the distant, I am the one you are never quite sure about. I am what happens when you give up. No matter what I am still here. I am never going to be enough, I am never going to be truely happy. Dispite myself will keep striving for your vision of perfection. I am the shadow, I am the dark. I am the dead and I am the deaf.

STOP

I don't have to be.

I don't want to be.

Tomorrow I am going to open my eyes and greet the world anew. I will be better. I will try harder even though I don't think I can. I am not going to go down without a fight. I am not going to be a death sentence for myself. I am going to be more. I am going to be inspiring, I am going to  be invincable and I AM GOING TO BE A BETTER ME.

PERIOD.

SO FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE THAT KEEP BRINGING ME DOWN. FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE THAT AREN'T AROUND. Fuck all the Drama, Fuck all the hate. FUCK PERFECTION. Fuck the world that I don't fit into, fuck the fuckers that do. I am done with this bullshit and done with this mindset and I am done feeling guilty for those I have left in the past. I don't miss you, i don't need you. It was NOT MY FAULT you turned out to be the scum of the Earth. FucK my brain and it's fucked up resolution. I am strong enough, I am loved enough by myself and on my own.

Ice Water

My thoughts go to the cold, even though this may seem dramatic, it sees me bare foot and direct. It sees me placing one foot in front of the other and clearly progressing. It sees no thought, it sees no vision, it feels no wind, it feels nothing. Down the street in the snow this vision takes me, my feet should fail on the ice but they stride along as if on track. My mind is blank.To the place where the water meets the moon does this thought go. I look at the sky, at the moon. I look past the ice, past the snow, past it all and only see the white shining moon. My feet stop to look, thoughts do not come, warning is no good. Automatically my legs move, mechianically the start ahead. My eyes, unblinking stare at the moon. Even as the icy slush swells around my legs, even as the ice tries to stop me. I stare at the moon and become a part of it. I stare at the moon and feel nothing. I water creeps slowly higher as I move toward the light. That light is the only thing that matters now, I see nothing else. I feel nothing else, I want nothing else. I feel calm, my soul feels closed. My body now shuts down as it must. I lay down in surreder and never once think of what is coming to pass. My vision sees the stars, twinkling, shining, shimmering. Beautiful. I stare unblinking at the stars, no thoughts fill my head, finally completely free, finally there is no noise, no stress. The stars start to fade and I close my eyes. I don't want to see the stars in any other light.