Playing chicken with the hormone freight train...

I am pregnant, it is clearly so
I am tired, cranky, bitchy, and all I want to do is cry.
So.....

All of this doesn't matter.....or the fact that I am currently creating a human being....or two....
People suck...most of them.....and more so when I am pregnant. I have been told everything from "suck it up" "you wanted this" to things that are going to purposely make me cry. "I am surprised you and your husband are still together, you don't look happy."
Ok
So yes my husband can be lazy, unproductive, unhelpful, disrespectful and just plain a pain in the ass but I love him. I get it, he doesn't do the things I need him to do....my house is a mess and he refuses to help clean it even though I work 40 hours a week, bathe both children, cook dinner, put both children to bed, do the dishes and the laundry....oh and I am pregnant.... and he....well he works 30 hours a week and...plays video games, changes diapers, thinks cherrios is a well rounded meal and....watches movies. Obviously our family life is flawed... I know this...I know I do way too much and he does way too little..... and I would love love love love some help....but I know that will never happen.
I have given up thinking that my husband will ever put me or the children before his video games, I am through preteneding that when I am working that he is doing everything in his power to makes sure the children are getting a good start in life. I know that he will never be the person that does what a father is expected to do.....
But
what are my options?
I stay with the man I love and feel happy about our relationship at least dispite everything. Or I somehow find a way to be a single mother with 3 or 4 kids......oth are too hard to imagine but I know I am in the best situation I can possibly be in right now. It is hard to explain to someone that is on the outside looking in. I hate the way things are, but I love the man I am with...
I worry though, am I making the best decision staying with my husband in the matter of my children. Obviously I want them to be with there father....and he is not abusive, they are not living in total desaster....he is still making sure they are relatively safe...he is just not stimulating him...
I don't even really know what I am writing in here for...I know nothing will ever change and I will be over worked and tired until my children are grown and on there own.....Living the single parent life in a two parent home

Two in a day

There is no law that says I can't write nothing in here twice in one day so I am doing it. Even if there was a law, I would break it.
I am sitting here, awake, because in one hour I will have to get David up for work. I have debated bed but thought the better of it because of the stairs. How lazy is that, I don't want to go to bed because it will mean having to do the stairs three times instead of one. I know, I am pathetic.
It turns out that I have no idea what to even write in here tonight. This blank page is yearning for me to fill it with words and thoughts to pervoke other thoughts and words but all that comes to mind is this......when you buy laundry detergent, make sure it is detergent and not liquid fabric softener.....I now can't do any more laundry until tomorrow....and that have pissed me off.
I haven't really talked about my life as a mother lately and maybe it is time for a blog about my girls.
Sara is growing like a weed and is as defiant as one. I am having trouble finding ways to get her to behave. Overall she is a polite and respectful little girl, but there are times when her demon side comes out, apparently it prefers bedtimes. Tonight I took every single book and toy out of her room and I put her dresser in front of her closest so that she would get the hint that I am not putting up with the 2 hour bedtime battle anymore. I know she is acting out because of lack of stimulation and outside time but lately it has been so cold that having her outthere even all bundled up would result in a cold. I am off this friday and the weather is supposed to be nice, I am hoping that I can take her out into the backyard and the two of us can play, I know she is longing for some mommy time.
Makayla is on the verge of walking on her own, she will be a one year old on Saturday and I am so excited for her birthday party on Sunday. She is getting so big and is so cute. She loves to be held and cuddled andgives great kisses and hugs, if you don't mind a little slobber. Her attitude lately has been laid back and easy, most of the time. Lately feeding her has posed to be the hardest task. She no longer wants baby foods and will only eat things shecan feedherself. This is posing to be a messy transition.
I love that the girls are best friends and I am cherishing this right now because I know in the future that it might not always be this way.
The little l line on the computer is flashing at me as if to say "please, keep typing, don't stop..." But I must...I am tired...good night world

The Mommy is IN

Sara is sick, she is a grumpy suck and I love it. This is the only time I get to really snuggle with her anymore. She is so independant already that sometimes it makes me sad. I am home from work today because of her sickness and my lack of sleep due to it.

It is so odd for me to not be able to fully disclose my thoughts in here but right now it just isn't right. So much is affected by somethings that I need to keep to myself at the momment.

Things are going to be changing greatly for us in the coming months. We are moving to a new home in Wasaga. I am really excited about this. The condo has 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. I am really excited about the 2 hot tubs and the wood fireplace. It should make those cold nights a little more bearable. The condo is smaller than what we are used to but I think it will stil fit us well. There is going to be a lot to do, our move in date is on March 12. I know I will still be scrambling to get all the packing done even though I have a ton of time to get it done. The good thing is there is already a lot of furniture there so there are somethings that we can leave here.

New

This is a new start in a sense and an old route in a way. My mind is mellow on a topic that many would find complex, but to me it a way of life and a way of survival. I speak in terms of life as if it were a thing not yet created until birth, but it is much more than this. I am writing to someone that very few know of and even lesser know. This person is more important than it is precieved and very soon my entire world will know of this person's existance.
For the life of me I can not remember a time when my life was simple and planned. Every movement of mine is not calculated, studied or even though out. All actions happen at randomn and then fade away as fast as they emerged. But there is comfort in this. There is a beauty that allows life to flow freely from my finger tips as though my mind is posessed. I am still gasping in the newness of life. Gasping at the endless wonders that allow me to believe that more exists out there.
I came to a revelation today while going about my life and work. This revelation is that humans are missing a sense that all other animals have. We have lost a connection to our planet, to our world. Everything would be different if we could feel the hurt that we are causing our Earth. We live on top of the earth, imagining that we are not connected to it and that we cannot be incontrol, but we are.
Did humans have this sense? Was it replaced with greed and the need to always have more? I almost feel trapped now as I speak by lacking of this sense. I feel boxed in as if I am disabled by my lack of connection with the planet. I am missing something. Do other feel this way too. All importance is placed on money, possesions, things..... when did life, love, connection become unimportant?

Just my mind....

Sometimes a colour can inspire a mood, a train of thought or just a reaction. I guess that is my ambition for this colour. I was full of energy and spunk like this colour a few hours ago, but as the night has worn on my mood has muted and my thoughts have sprung out from the dark, but are still clouded in camaflage.
Where am I tonight. Christmas has past and I now in a state of comfort because I get to reclaim normalness. I always feel like the holidays climb until they reach a fevered pitch that is Christmas day. I found the spirit this year, but I am also weary now that the spirit will now fade and stone cold winter blues will engulf humanity. I have much to focus on to keep my mind from closing completely, but sometimes it all seems over welming and pointless.
I am feeling lost again. Holiday pictures have shocked me into seeing myself in way that don't appeal. I am huge. I am gaining and I am not comfortable. I sit now at a weight I told myslef I would never reach, yet I have and I hate it...yet still chocolate wraps surround my desk. I need an off switch. I need....at this point I don't even know what will mean enough to me to stop getting crap that I know is not benficial in anyway except to fill a mommentary void before the dread and self loathing sets in.
Mentally I am all over the playing feild right now. I am not taking my antidepressants as I should do to the fact that money is limited and Christmas did cometh. I am not pleasant at the momment to put it nicely and when I say that I mean in every way possible. I am grumpy, spiteful, angery and other things not meant for sharing. My mind is on a path that can only lead to self destruction....but my mind has convinced itself that this path it is on is one of self discovery and that I should embrace my new found status.
On to a branch now....
I feel sexy, which yes contradicts the feels of fat, ugliness...but it is there none the less. I don't feel beautiful. I think of sexy as more of feeling of power, drive..... I don't think I am sexy to others, in fact I know I am not but I still feel sexy to me.

Family....really

There is a saying that Friends are the Family that you chose yourself and I believe that to be one of the truest statements in the world. I am not a person that has many acquantances but I have people that I keep close to my heart, a select few. This people share strengths, momments of weakness, momments of joy, momments of life and every momment in between. If you mess with one of us your are messing with us all.
I have this. I have a strong bond with a group of ladies that I am proud to call my family. We share a bond that is thicker than blood and we are sisters in the deepest sense of the word. I keep these ladies close to my heart. We all have strengths and we all have shortcomings and we lean on each other and together we are strong, fearless and capable. I have never felt a bond like this in my life, I feel like I belong. We are all very different, but in that difference we become one. We share and together we are whole.
Tonight I laughed, smiled and breathed with my ladies. The night was not one of the best because of outside forces but the company made it a great night. I hope this ladies know just how much they mean to me and how close I feel to them because with them by myside I feel like I am more. I am lucky to have them.
I have my girls, my husband, my family and the people I am related to....... Thank you for it all!

Mindful Wonderings

I am not a woman of religion because as I think I have said in here before I am not a woman who believes in religion. Religion seperates, seagrates and affects people judgements as far as their own actions are conserned. I do however believe in a power, or a god that created us and is there for us in times of need. For me he is someone to talk to, to thank and to believe in, he is someone I can turn to in times of need and he is someone I can ask for help from. To me he is a friend, a true friend. I believe this because I can feel his presence, not because I am told to believe from other sources in my life. I believe because I choice to believe.
I think at this time of year it is almost impossible not to feel the magic and the warm that wraps around you like a blanket. There is this...sparkle to the world that in a way lets everyone know that everything is going to be ok. The only way to see it though is to step away from the stores, and the toys and the presents and the money and really look with un-clouded eyes. Only then will you be able to see joy, peace and happiness.
It feels to me like the world is coming out of a fog. We have been in dark troubled times for so long and now the magic is finally seeping through and re-building some of what life used to be and what it is turning into. I don't know if it Christmas that is awaking the world from slumber or is it the relization that it is fianlly time for us to emerge into a new and glorious world. To me it feels like the world is hatching as if a bird from an egg...but the world is still new and it still must be cautious of the new life that beats within it.
Sometimes it feels like there is so much in the world that I will never ever understand. I can't understand how there are millionaires and billionaires and yet children die every day from hunger. I don't understand people that have everything wanting more. I don't understand how a person's mentality can allow them to be so greedy and yet so many people have nothing and no way of getting out of where they are. My heart hurts in mourning for some much being lost because of greed. Are there good people out there anymore? People that would give everything they have to make someone else's life just a little bit better. People without agendas, gossip, motives, or drama...people would just want the world to be a better place. Is there a place where wanting and having hope isn't rediculed. I hope so.
Right now I sit here and I am mouring because I know there is someone out there hurting in way that I have never experienced and there is nothing I can do and there are people out there that could do so much but won't. How can this happen?
My heart is heavy tonight and I pray with every cell in my body that tonight someone will help someone else. That everyone will do something for another human being. I pray that the world will one day make sense to me and everyone that needs something, will get it. I am praying for love, life and peace. Please pray with me.