Oh to be a Firefly....

My mind is strange tonight. I honestly can't tell what I am feeling. My head is strangled with thoughts of happy things, of love, of hope and joy...but there is another feeling of saddness and panic and sorrow.
Someone very close to me is ill, but no one can tell us yet with what. Not many people know about what this person is going through so I will not make it outright here but just know this...it isn't good. I am scared, I know I will fall apart without this person. I will be forced to be a grown up. I know this sounds odd since I am a mother of two and deeply thought of as an adult. But having children has a way of making you feel young and untouchable. Dead and sickness force you to be....older. I am in tears with worry and I can't talk to anyone about it because this is what this person wishes for. There are other people that will be deeply affected by the news and worry is not the desire. I am trying so so so hard to be strong and positive but this diease is affecting one of the people that helps me to be strong. I am crumbling much the way an old building does of time. One day I will just collapse in a fit of emotion and pray that no one is in the destruction.
How can I smile and be happy and plan a wedding when someone I love is in both emotional and physical pain. She has been given no answers, has taken so many tests and has yet to get an appointment for a specialist. How can a person be allowed to live in such limbo. So many things cross my mind...what if because everything is taking so long to figure out by the time something is determined that it is too late. What if she dies? Tears and rage fill me because there is NOTHING I can do!!! I sit and I stare and I talk to her about everything just to fill up the quiet spaces because in those spaces the worry dwells. I atleast need a name of a diease so I can direct my anger and freight....how can this be happing.......
What do I do
There is a person that should care to know about this and in a different family that person would be there to help me get through it and be scared and worried himself. That person doesn't know because I don't think that person would care and that would tear a whole in my heart and in the heart of the sick one. I am angry at him because he SHOULD care..............after everything he should see that the past doesn't matter.....life...the future...that matters and is important.....
Just the thought of him has turned me to rage! I hate him... I will admit that. But not because of the past but because he never let the past die and for that there has been suffering that he has never ever understood. I hate him I hate him I hate him I have never hated anyone....but I hate him.........
I can't walk away from the screen with this anger. I have a family to care for and be there for and I do not need some worthless piece of shit to control my emotion when he doesn't even know he is.
As I said above...I don't know what to feel....I wish I could close my eyes and then open them and everything would be better...Fairy tales and Day dreams do come true but I have never seen this demon be defeated in any book.