Life, like most things, is a cycle and everything always comes back to the beginning one way or another. I think sometimes though you have to convince things to move in the direction they were meant to.
Lately there have been probelm with my relationship with David, problem that have been addressed more than once but have never had any closure and thus commited us to our first major fight as a married couple. Things got bad, worse then they ever have but.....we both bent...and we are stil strong, if not stronger than ever. I love David with all my heart and some days he is my saviour and hero and other days, unfortunatly, we fight and have problems. We are human and fighting reminds us that we are both not prefect and that thoughts need to be communicated and figured out rather than ignored.
As for myself, I am reaching a new stage in my life and I can feel it on a much larger scale than I relised. I am looking for self satisfaction and happiness. I am trying to find myself more and more and I am determined to avoid falling in to a rut. I want to learn and discover more and new things about myself. New is scary but I think it is time that it happened. I can't handle just going through one day to the next never looking up and breathing. Winter is coming and I tend to close myself in and bury my head but this year I want to embrace every momment I can. I am getting stronger and I am defining myself more as I go on.
I struggle, in my head, about the directions that I want to take in life. I don't have regrets about the paths I have taken but I do wish I had more education. Something I never would have thought I would type. After all the craziness surrounding my life stops I want to take some kind of school and have a higher understanding of something more than understanding toddler babble. I am forever wishing that I had topics I could discuss with other people that they would want to hear about and not only about how much snot I pulled out of my baby's nose today.
I am trying to discover hidden talents and prefect the ones that I already know about. I have started making braclettes again and I am hoping to sell some of them on-line and see what direction that takes me off into. I am not expecting them to be a life altering success but it would feel good to make something that someone else deems good enough to buy and wear.
I will be making more braclettes after I get off this computer as it seems it is not the excape that it once was for me. I am finding that even on facebook and MSN that I am no longer getting a connection with anybody, not even those I was most close to. I am afraid I am shutting doors on some people but then again maybe it is them shutting the doors on me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
December 21 2012
This date is on my mind, it is said to be the end of life as we know it according to anicient Mayan culture and other sources many with scientific proof and predictions.
I am one of the believers that something is going to happen. I don't think it will end all human life but I do think that it will greatly lessen the population and that it will stop all technology from working. Technology has enabled us to stop being connected to the Earth, we thrive in basements, as I am now, typing worlds on to a screen. In truth it gets our words out there but after typing them they are....forgotten.
People need nature, and I am not talking about the nature found in your skin cream. I am talking about going outside, connection with your surroundings, actually feeling the grass, smelling the leaves and being human. Too many of us believe that life will come to us and that life is material things. We have turned off our consciencness and I for one want it back. I want to rely on instinct, improvise to make things better instead of running to the store to buy something to make it all better. I want a world where I can feel good about what I have done in a day and not be lazied by the ease of life. I want to be alive.
I think in some of us it is just like we have woken up for the first time. I think on Dec 21 2012 more people will wake up, ther brains will be shooked into existing and not just maintaning.
I may sound to some like a crazy person standing on the street corner telling all to fear the end but I am not...I don't think fear is the answer, I think fufillment is the answer.
Life right now is too easy and yet there are still people that find it hard, the funny thing is that in its ease it has stopped people from having insticts and having to fight to survive. Right now they can blame anything for their failure...and they only allow themselves to be rewarded for success.
All people need to be one with all the other people on the planet, that is the only way that we are ever really going to be whole. Wars fought over religion will not progress our culture, will not show others that we were here and that we were smart, and beautiful and that we were a people to be admired. I admire the Mayan culture for having the balls to be more than a people that sat around and let life just pass. They had imagination, determination, strenght, pride and they had brains. I think their culture is one to be respected and in my opinion if they say something big is going to happen then we need to listen and take notice and prepare. We can't prepare for what we can't know is coming but we can be open to suggestions and listen to our surroundings. We need to find it in ourselves that power to be human.... embrace instinct and be strong enough to survive more than just our work week.
I am one of the believers that something is going to happen. I don't think it will end all human life but I do think that it will greatly lessen the population and that it will stop all technology from working. Technology has enabled us to stop being connected to the Earth, we thrive in basements, as I am now, typing worlds on to a screen. In truth it gets our words out there but after typing them they are....forgotten.
People need nature, and I am not talking about the nature found in your skin cream. I am talking about going outside, connection with your surroundings, actually feeling the grass, smelling the leaves and being human. Too many of us believe that life will come to us and that life is material things. We have turned off our consciencness and I for one want it back. I want to rely on instinct, improvise to make things better instead of running to the store to buy something to make it all better. I want a world where I can feel good about what I have done in a day and not be lazied by the ease of life. I want to be alive.
I think in some of us it is just like we have woken up for the first time. I think on Dec 21 2012 more people will wake up, ther brains will be shooked into existing and not just maintaning.
I may sound to some like a crazy person standing on the street corner telling all to fear the end but I am not...I don't think fear is the answer, I think fufillment is the answer.
Life right now is too easy and yet there are still people that find it hard, the funny thing is that in its ease it has stopped people from having insticts and having to fight to survive. Right now they can blame anything for their failure...and they only allow themselves to be rewarded for success.
All people need to be one with all the other people on the planet, that is the only way that we are ever really going to be whole. Wars fought over religion will not progress our culture, will not show others that we were here and that we were smart, and beautiful and that we were a people to be admired. I admire the Mayan culture for having the balls to be more than a people that sat around and let life just pass. They had imagination, determination, strenght, pride and they had brains. I think their culture is one to be respected and in my opinion if they say something big is going to happen then we need to listen and take notice and prepare. We can't prepare for what we can't know is coming but we can be open to suggestions and listen to our surroundings. We need to find it in ourselves that power to be human.... embrace instinct and be strong enough to survive more than just our work week.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Out of the corner of my third eye
I am posting twice in one night because my brain and finger can't be still. I have felt my momment of peace, of calm and of collection. I am not letting the situation get the best of me. I am free to chose my life and in doing so I make paths...I don't follow them.
I am glad a friend today opened my eyes and showed me that I am really lucky, too lucky to be so depressed and sad over things that I am in control over.
Tomorrow I will be strong, be fearless and be in control. I am not going to let change destract me from happiness and success.
I know where I don't want to be, I know what I want.
Songs have helped me tonight to. I know it sounds corny but sometime a song can save a life or a spirit. I started this night in a hole and now I am in the stars. I am never going to give up on myself. I am never going to sink into a puddle of gloom and give up and drown.
I will make things happen, I will be strong! I will do everything I need to do to make things better for my family!
I will never close my third eye, I don't think life will let me. Tomorrow I will make the most of today!
Be Strong!
My situation is changable, is flexable and is going to change.
Determined, fercious and focused!
Eyes Wide Open!
I am glad a friend today opened my eyes and showed me that I am really lucky, too lucky to be so depressed and sad over things that I am in control over.
Tomorrow I will be strong, be fearless and be in control. I am not going to let change destract me from happiness and success.
I know where I don't want to be, I know what I want.
Songs have helped me tonight to. I know it sounds corny but sometime a song can save a life or a spirit. I started this night in a hole and now I am in the stars. I am never going to give up on myself. I am never going to sink into a puddle of gloom and give up and drown.
I will make things happen, I will be strong! I will do everything I need to do to make things better for my family!
I will never close my third eye, I don't think life will let me. Tomorrow I will make the most of today!
Be Strong!
My situation is changable, is flexable and is going to change.
Determined, fercious and focused!
Eyes Wide Open!
No clue which way the wind blows
11:36.....I am sitting here hyped up on caffine and wondering how much to post in here. I am struggling with a conflict that can enhance or destroy my life. I really don't have anyone to talk to about it because they all have their own agendas that affect the outcome of this.
My delema? Do I stay in this town for as long as I can and go back to the place I have been working at, or do I embrace a new path, full of the unknown and find a new home and job. I just don't know.
I wrote things
I deleted things
I am struggling and I don't even feel like this is an outlet for me at the momment.
What do I do...I wish I had someone to talk to about this............
My delema? Do I stay in this town for as long as I can and go back to the place I have been working at, or do I embrace a new path, full of the unknown and find a new home and job. I just don't know.
I wrote things
I deleted things
I am struggling and I don't even feel like this is an outlet for me at the momment.
What do I do...I wish I had someone to talk to about this............
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
In a pit
Just married, two beautiful girls, a house, a cat, food in the fridge....what more could I want.
Yet I feel ugly, empty, sad and well withdrawn.
I am happy with my life outside my body and mind but it seems inside I am a locked up lonely person with no chance of ever seeing the light. The wedding is over and the people I grew closest to because of the wedding have now vanished and don't seem to care. My anti-depressants have more than their usually share of gloominess to combat. I am in a place where adult conversation is never had, where playstation rules my grooms domain and where mommy is mommy and not allowed to be anyone else. I am locked in a palce where I can not be the person I want to be.
But how do I change this
How do I emerge from my cocoon and veiw the world full of hope, promise and light. How do I spread my wings. I have entered a new chapter in my life and this chapter I have npo mentor to fall nor peers to take up the same challenge. All my life I have had someone that was going through similar tasks and I could see my life in a clear way based on choices I made that they didn't. I could see that I was where I wanted to be. But now I am alone in ways that the midn can not comput.
I need to expand my mind, learn new things, have a goal, a plan, a destination that will benefit me and my family. Right now I have no motivation, no spice for life. But I can't do anything more with my life at the momment, I am a mother...that is enough to fill anyone's day.
Today we went to the mall, I dressed nice, I got puked on, yay! Brought a new vaccum.
I came home used new vaccum and then proceeded to sit at the computer and veiw people on facebook and then wonder which people would actually notice if I just disappeared. I feel like I am veiwing a world I am not part of and there is no way to become a part of it.
Yet I feel ugly, empty, sad and well withdrawn.
I am happy with my life outside my body and mind but it seems inside I am a locked up lonely person with no chance of ever seeing the light. The wedding is over and the people I grew closest to because of the wedding have now vanished and don't seem to care. My anti-depressants have more than their usually share of gloominess to combat. I am in a place where adult conversation is never had, where playstation rules my grooms domain and where mommy is mommy and not allowed to be anyone else. I am locked in a palce where I can not be the person I want to be.
But how do I change this
How do I emerge from my cocoon and veiw the world full of hope, promise and light. How do I spread my wings. I have entered a new chapter in my life and this chapter I have npo mentor to fall nor peers to take up the same challenge. All my life I have had someone that was going through similar tasks and I could see my life in a clear way based on choices I made that they didn't. I could see that I was where I wanted to be. But now I am alone in ways that the midn can not comput.
I need to expand my mind, learn new things, have a goal, a plan, a destination that will benefit me and my family. Right now I have no motivation, no spice for life. But I can't do anything more with my life at the momment, I am a mother...that is enough to fill anyone's day.
Today we went to the mall, I dressed nice, I got puked on, yay! Brought a new vaccum.
I came home used new vaccum and then proceeded to sit at the computer and veiw people on facebook and then wonder which people would actually notice if I just disappeared. I feel like I am veiwing a world I am not part of and there is no way to become a part of it.
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