Not sure I know him

I am starting to think that no man in my life right now is the "right" man. Maybe that is because I am not dealing with men but with boys. I don't know. I just feel like between the games and the mind games that I am just not really getting what I really want. I know I took vows and the man I am married to is supposed to be the one that is right but I feel like I am turning into a person I don't want to be because of him. I am finding the only way to just be me is to not think about his prospective in every matter. I am finding myself and I am finding that I am NOT the person he is trying to make me into. I have stopped relying on him for anything except rides to and from work. I go home fully prepared to do what needs to be done and not expect help. I go home, play with my babies, crank the music and be free. I clean my house I do everything as if I was a single woman. I will admit my eyes are open and looking for the potiential of a better future, no matter how that pans out. I need to be true to myself and I think the only way to do that is to just do me....
I have been burned by every man...I let my husband crush my spirit, my life and control my mind and now.....he isn't anymore. I am not as close with him but I am closer with me and that is what is most important.  Scars are ther but they don't matter....they are just battle wounds that shape me into beautiful. Thatr's right......BEAUTIFUL...I am beautiful. Some how some day I will be able to say that and not feel like I am going to cry. I don't know why it does that to me every time but it does. But not anymore. Everyday I am going to say it.....every day....and I am going to believe it.

Bonafied Lovin'

Ok here it is...here is what I need!!!

I might as well take a minute or two to put you on to some game
You got a boy like him and a man like me, that's just not the same.

Never mind a SMS, what you need is a sweet creass

It comes as no surprise, what you need is an older guy with a little bit of life experience
Right clothes and the right appearance
Oh girl, wouldn't that be nice.
Hot dinner by candle light
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGksDvKZ9ek&ob=av3n

Not so special

Remember that guy, the one I thought wanted me. The one that was supposed to make it all better. I think he has a gf. I am not surprised, he was always like that. It isn't about the quality, just the quantity. I know one of these days he will message and my world will have to stop for him. But this time it won't. I guess I am over it. Seems as soon as I get burned I give up. People are disappointing me too much these days. I am starting to be pessimistic with people and I always just assume now that the time I will know them will merely be a blip in both of our existances. Oh well...another one bites the dust, other one makes promises that mean nothing and another one sees the real me and runs. I was wrong to think that maybe I could be something special to somone.

How to be strong

How do you be strong when your support is crushing you? How do you stand when someone is always taking out your knees? How do you survive when your world doesn't want you to?

In my head he is awful, in my head he is damaging and mean. I know he doesn't really mean to be. It is just him. He doesn't mean to make me cry, he is not hitting me and he is not abusing me but his words do sting and they stay in my head forever. Last night I cried and screamed at the mirror. I yelled at the person staring a me for everything that is wrong with her. Every scar, every pimple, every streach mark,  every inch of fat, every inch of ugly.
Now

I am done with that. Brain, his words are just words, he doesn't matter anymore. Ignore his stupid comments, his stupid need to look at other woman, his need for you to be a certain person and look a certain way. From now on, you live for you. You get past this. You make it stop and you make it not matter. I am stronger than this, I will rise above this. I will be me...no. matter. what.

I am starting to pull away. I need to stop surrounding myself with negetive. I need to stop dwelling on the negetive. he will always be negetive...but I will not let him control me anymore. I am going to be happy. I am going to smile. I am going to live my life void of his now. Eventually he will either follow me and be happy and positive or he will consume himself. He will not consume me. I am fighting back.

Turns out

He looks at porn. I allowed it, I don't care about it right...I can't be an uptight bitch about it right. I mean there is nothing wrong with it right, except that he is disguested by me. I have to let him because I am so horribly ugly that he can't stand me...he has to look at other woman, it would be cruel of me to force him to only look at his wife naked for the rest of his life. How can he keep hurting me like this.
It is becoming clearer and clearer that he doesn't care about how anything makes me feel. He is hurting me again. I don't know how to stop crying. Everyday I cry because he can't stand me, he makes it clear that he doesn't care if he hurts me.
I need to get out of this realationship. Honestly I think about it a lot, think about how much better I would feel about myself without constantly being made to feel like a piece of shsit. But who the fuck am I kidding. I will be stuck here forever and all of my problems will get worse. I can't get past this and I have no way to afford to be out of this so forever I will remain until one day I can't stnad it anymore. One day when the kids are grown and don't need me and then I can just run away.
I hate this. But what the fuck can I do....I just have to find a way to erase the ugly.