Females

I am not a girl's girl, infact in most cases I do not get along with members of the same sex at all. I think this is because I am afraid they think the same way I do. I always take them as a threat. Now a great deal of the time I have to deal with my room mate's girlfriend and I don't like her. She is a little tiny bubbly ball of giggly annoyance. I don't think I will ever be happy with any other girl that comes into my territory...I hate it and I feel uncomfortable in my own surrounding.

Night light

Strong. I am truely going to do what I have set my brain to do. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may be more mentally invested in the bigger picture than I realized. Is it a possiblity that I might have a sex addiction? Am I more consumed with it than the average person? I am discovering more and more that I am pulled by mommentary fullfilment than long term gains. That kinda scares me. I am impulsive and I risk too much just to smile for a minute and essential feel alive just for a second.

What is sex to me? Sex is Power and by power I mean two things. It gives me the power to control men even though I am not a skinny little girl. I know how to tempt, I know how to tease. To me it is kind of a game. Just to see if I can make a man's eyes linger, walk into a room and see excitement and response. I know how to stare, I know how to be innocent yet alluring. I know how to achieve the satisifaction I crave. But, the problem is...in this form it controls me. Always I feel I have to be on my game, on pointe and I can never have an off day or I feel damaged. That gives them control...and that essentially controls me. Sex is a mind game before it is ever a physical game. The other problem is I don't know how long to play the game and that has put me in compromising situations. I am always tempted even if I don't engage in anything...even if I have no reason to be attracted I am somehow tempted to make it something physical. In my mind I play out the situations and they become my desires.

More to come!

Did it!

I did it tonight. Three minutes ago in fact. I changed. I got off the bad track and found a new one. I am going to be real. Truthful to the core and I am going to let my past sins be past sins. I have prayed. I asked for forgiveness and I have sought council. The past happened and I deeply regret it and I am always going to but it is time to move on. God will let me be free of the burdens. I do not beseech God as often as I should. Maybe this had to happen to make me see the light anew. Good night. And much love mystery mind!

Once Upon a time....

On a night like today my mind is clear. Too often I stare at this page and try to be deep enough to make sense even though half the time it becomes jumbled. Tonight I sit her and I need to see things in the daylight. Who am I.

Let me start. I am unemployed. I haven't written that yet or even let the words rest in my brain. I have no job and so far no ambition to find anything because I can't wrap my head around not being embraced by the chaos that was Sunshine. That place was home and I feel like my family is now shattered. I miss having people beside me when I needed them and I miss enjoying success, failures, hardships, fun with them. I have tried to think of this as a step forward, but honestly I am terrified of it being a step back. I had something there that I am so afraid I am never going to have again. I was accpeted, I was real there and I greeted most days with a smile. I will still greet everyday with a smile and maybe sunshine had to happen to let me see that I can....be...more. I will make anything and everything my own. I will be SOMETHING.

What else.

My relationship. I am still pining over the one I can't have and trying to build a life with the one I can. I am getting better at realizing the potiential of what I have and I am learning that the one I don't have is a friend and that is enough. He is still the person I run to when I am mad at David and that is wrong. That is not helping at all. There is another on my mind but I don't take him seriously. A few years ago I did, but now I am....more mature. Althought I think saying the word mature makes me childish. He makes me smile. And he essential adds excitement to my boring life.


What else am I about.

My children make me smile. They are an endless bundle of energy and excitement and fun and I feel like I need to stop trying to box that in. I am guilty of being a boring mom and a lazy mom. I need to stop that. Laziness rules too much of my life, actually pretty much my whole life. I take the easy route always and I never put all the effort I could into my home life. I need to turn this around. I want to be more for my children and I want them to see that the world is full of beauty and promise....not stress. I am guilty of leading a stress filled life that really has no stress. I make things harder than it needs to be. I need to smile more, think less.....and Live A Lot!

I guess that is it.....I have figured it out.... :D :D