He is here! My little tiny man that brings so much joy to my heart is sleeping away a foot away from me.My family is complete, my heart is full and everything is great. It amases me to look at him, he is so small and tiny and he has me wrapped around his tiny finger. I have a son. I never thought saying those words would cause me so much happiness.
The girls love there little brother, they are always kiss him and hug him and want to help me with his care. I am so glad that I have such maternal children. I love watching them interact with each other.
I am doing good. Things are hard, I will admit it. I am surviving though. I am getting through each momment one momment at a time. I am doing everything I can to stay ahead of the game and focus on things that really matter and I am happy. I do feel like for once in my life that I am able to focus on me in a different way then I have been able to in the past. I am not going to have any more babies so now I am build my body into the way I want it to be. No do overs.
I have so much more that I want to type but my little baby boy is waking and he wants to see momma face. :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Midnight Writtings
Here I sit with my keyboard in my had. I have burned through scrabble, some randomn game on facebook and every other source of unproductive entertainment I could find. It is odd but since having my laptop back I have not really had an urge to do anything I haven't before. At the same time I feel the need to be productive. I need to use what I have now in a way that benefits me, but I don't know what way that is.
Tomorrow the girls and going to visit oma for two days. I plan on walking as much as I can, having sex and doing anything else that I can do to make this baby come out. It needs to happen this weekend or I am going to be induced on Monday with no plan for where the girls are going to be. My mom doesn't think she can handle them for any length of time and she wants to be there with me when I go into labour so there is really no option there. David's dad won't be home until 5 and it will most likely be around 6 that I go in, so it would be very hard for us to get them to his dad's and then get back to the hospital. Maybe David can take them and then mom can take me to the hospital and then David can come back. But I still have to figure out where the girls are going to go from David's dad's house since his dad works the next morning early. I would love it if mom could pick them up from there and take them to her house for tuesday and then David can even pick them up that night or Wednesday if possible. But I don't know if that will happen. Anytime I talk to mom about it she tells me that we will just have to play it by ear, it seems as though she is the only person not really willing to help me and that makes it hard because when it comes down to it she is the person that could help me the most.
I am drained in every sense of the word and I just can't even fathom how everything is going to play out in the next couple of days. I guess I just have to pray that I get out of the hospital as soon as possible and woman up and deal with everything regardless of life.
I know these babies are mine, they are mine to deal with in happiness, saddness, health and otherwise but sometimes it feels like I have been abondonned by family, They are there of course but they prefer to stand outside the circle and look in instead of coming in and seeing things and helping. I guess my support system is pretty much MIA.
I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I am really just annoyed with how passe everyone is and I am selfish I guess to think that I even matter, I don't really care though anymore and becoming more introverted might be what is needed.
Typing all this out makes me put a lot more of my life in persepective and that makes me sad. Feeling unimportant at such any important time in my life is hard and emotionally I could easily crash and burn. But.... I won't let myself. I can do this and I will find a way. I am sorry to say but I can't have baby and keep my other children entertained in the process and I guess some people don't get this but I guess all that matters is that either way I have to give birth. If I have to be alone I will be....I refuse to be put head of the children so if that means that David will have to be with the other two than I guess that has to happen. I will not be happy at all with my mother if she insists on being in there with me and David can't be because no one will watch the girls. She will not be permitted in the room if this is the case. Don't put me in a situation that adds stress to one of the hardest momments of my life. I don't want to deal with it.
Tomorrow the girls and going to visit oma for two days. I plan on walking as much as I can, having sex and doing anything else that I can do to make this baby come out. It needs to happen this weekend or I am going to be induced on Monday with no plan for where the girls are going to be. My mom doesn't think she can handle them for any length of time and she wants to be there with me when I go into labour so there is really no option there. David's dad won't be home until 5 and it will most likely be around 6 that I go in, so it would be very hard for us to get them to his dad's and then get back to the hospital. Maybe David can take them and then mom can take me to the hospital and then David can come back. But I still have to figure out where the girls are going to go from David's dad's house since his dad works the next morning early. I would love it if mom could pick them up from there and take them to her house for tuesday and then David can even pick them up that night or Wednesday if possible. But I don't know if that will happen. Anytime I talk to mom about it she tells me that we will just have to play it by ear, it seems as though she is the only person not really willing to help me and that makes it hard because when it comes down to it she is the person that could help me the most.
I am drained in every sense of the word and I just can't even fathom how everything is going to play out in the next couple of days. I guess I just have to pray that I get out of the hospital as soon as possible and woman up and deal with everything regardless of life.
I know these babies are mine, they are mine to deal with in happiness, saddness, health and otherwise but sometimes it feels like I have been abondonned by family, They are there of course but they prefer to stand outside the circle and look in instead of coming in and seeing things and helping. I guess my support system is pretty much MIA.
I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I am really just annoyed with how passe everyone is and I am selfish I guess to think that I even matter, I don't really care though anymore and becoming more introverted might be what is needed.
Typing all this out makes me put a lot more of my life in persepective and that makes me sad. Feeling unimportant at such any important time in my life is hard and emotionally I could easily crash and burn. But.... I won't let myself. I can do this and I will find a way. I am sorry to say but I can't have baby and keep my other children entertained in the process and I guess some people don't get this but I guess all that matters is that either way I have to give birth. If I have to be alone I will be....I refuse to be put head of the children so if that means that David will have to be with the other two than I guess that has to happen. I will not be happy at all with my mother if she insists on being in there with me and David can't be because no one will watch the girls. She will not be permitted in the room if this is the case. Don't put me in a situation that adds stress to one of the hardest momments of my life. I don't want to deal with it.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Surrounded by laundry
Today has been about nesting, nesting and even more nesting. All I have done is clean and I am finally proud and comfortable with how the house looks. I was worried someone was going to have to stay here if I go into labour and I would be embarassed by the house.
I feel ready for baby Ethan to come. I just want him to be here so badly but at the same time I want to savour this time as much as possible. I want to hold my baby boy.
The girls are so excited to meet their little brother. It is still so odd to me that I am going to be the mother of three. I know that seems weird but I seriously sometimes wonder how I got from being in high school to this point. How did I have babies, how did I become a mom. This is still new to me and I don't think it will ever become old or ordinary. Every minute is new, different and adaptable. Some momments are so hard and some just make me smile. If someone asked me what it is to be a mom I would say it is like being on a roller coaster. You feel more love, more happiness, more sadness, more passion, more anger and more insanity than you ever have in your life the momment that you become a mom. You have so many hopes, so many dreams and so many wishes for the little baby that you hold in your arms from the first time. It is so emotional.
So much is changing in such a small amount of time. My big girl is starting school and I am probably going to miss her first day because I am being induced on Monday. I think she might miss the first day too just because there won't be a way to get her there if i am in labour or if Ethan has just been born. We are talking to her teacher tomorrow for the first time and we will find out if missing the first day will be a big deal. I hope we can work this all out.
Life is just crazy right now....or should i say it is on hold. I feel like I am waiting to breath. I know there is so much that is going to happen and I am really trying to be prepared in every single way that I can and that is exhausting me. I just want every transition to happen smoothly.
In a week from tomorrow not only will I have a newborn, but I will also have a kindergarten kid! Breath mama breath lol!
I feel ready for baby Ethan to come. I just want him to be here so badly but at the same time I want to savour this time as much as possible. I want to hold my baby boy.
The girls are so excited to meet their little brother. It is still so odd to me that I am going to be the mother of three. I know that seems weird but I seriously sometimes wonder how I got from being in high school to this point. How did I have babies, how did I become a mom. This is still new to me and I don't think it will ever become old or ordinary. Every minute is new, different and adaptable. Some momments are so hard and some just make me smile. If someone asked me what it is to be a mom I would say it is like being on a roller coaster. You feel more love, more happiness, more sadness, more passion, more anger and more insanity than you ever have in your life the momment that you become a mom. You have so many hopes, so many dreams and so many wishes for the little baby that you hold in your arms from the first time. It is so emotional.
So much is changing in such a small amount of time. My big girl is starting school and I am probably going to miss her first day because I am being induced on Monday. I think she might miss the first day too just because there won't be a way to get her there if i am in labour or if Ethan has just been born. We are talking to her teacher tomorrow for the first time and we will find out if missing the first day will be a big deal. I hope we can work this all out.
Life is just crazy right now....or should i say it is on hold. I feel like I am waiting to breath. I know there is so much that is going to happen and I am really trying to be prepared in every single way that I can and that is exhausting me. I just want every transition to happen smoothly.
In a week from tomorrow not only will I have a newborn, but I will also have a kindergarten kid! Breath mama breath lol!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
My headphones plug me in.
Music is my one sweet release. My one passion, my one desire to be more than the shell I am currently. My children are my life but music is my escape. I need it and I have grown weak without it, but now I am rebuilding. I am ready.
Music births passion and freedom....dance moves me. I am going to start to become myself again and let beats, tunes, lyric flow through a release the chained up mother that is consumed inside.
I write words to show I was here, I dance to be me. I am going to be as much as I can be every day. I am not superwoman but I can learn to breath again.
Children are hard. They drain and exhaust you but they are wonderful. They are just these amasing little people that show more love, more realistic fusion than most adults. Their possiblities are limitless and if I accomplish anything in this lifetime I want to be a good mother. I think it is important for me to be me to accomplish this task. I show raw love and emotion every day and they know me. I am real with them, it comes naturally.
Tonight words are not enough to lead me to satisfaction...tonight I need the beat.
Music births passion and freedom....dance moves me. I am going to start to become myself again and let beats, tunes, lyric flow through a release the chained up mother that is consumed inside.
I write words to show I was here, I dance to be me. I am going to be as much as I can be every day. I am not superwoman but I can learn to breath again.
Children are hard. They drain and exhaust you but they are wonderful. They are just these amasing little people that show more love, more realistic fusion than most adults. Their possiblities are limitless and if I accomplish anything in this lifetime I want to be a good mother. I think it is important for me to be me to accomplish this task. I show raw love and emotion every day and they know me. I am real with them, it comes naturally.
Tonight words are not enough to lead me to satisfaction...tonight I need the beat.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Soon to be 3....oh my....
I am going to lose it. Going to lose my mind, my sanity, myself. I am struggling with two right now, being 9 months pregnant and dealing with two toddlers is not fun, and yes my hands are full. I want to punch everyone in the face who says that to me.
I am about to pop. I don't think there is anymore space for baby Ethan in my belly. I have streached, expanded and exploded as much as I can and half of me wants this to be done. Only half though. the other half of me wants him to stay in forever. He is safe, protected and easy. It is hard to move, breath, bend but it is all just about me and him. With him out...I don't have as much control. I have to compromise my timing with all three of them and find my new self. my own power. It is going to be hard and I know it and I am going to flow through it and make every second count....sleeping counts.
There is another aspect to my mind lately and that is just figuring out who I am going to be after all this. I don't want to go back to my previous place of work. I want a little more out of life and basically if I am going to work for minimum wage then I want to at least be doing something that allows me to be happy and not dread my place of work. I am typing this now to remind myself of what I have not yet forgotten and that is that that place was hell, and I don't want to go back. It is not worth it and I know in a few months I will attempt to convince myself that it isn't as bad as I think it is and that I want to be back there. I don't want to go back to a place where I am miserable and sick to my stomach at the meantion of that place. I deserve more.
With this said I am not sure where I fit in, what I should do and if maybe I should start looking into how to build a more productive than a minimum wage starter job with no progress....but what do i want to be. What do I have passion for? Orginally I was thinking I would start my own fudge business but I foresee myself getting bored with that. I don't know what to do.
Off to do some research......
I am about to pop. I don't think there is anymore space for baby Ethan in my belly. I have streached, expanded and exploded as much as I can and half of me wants this to be done. Only half though. the other half of me wants him to stay in forever. He is safe, protected and easy. It is hard to move, breath, bend but it is all just about me and him. With him out...I don't have as much control. I have to compromise my timing with all three of them and find my new self. my own power. It is going to be hard and I know it and I am going to flow through it and make every second count....sleeping counts.
There is another aspect to my mind lately and that is just figuring out who I am going to be after all this. I don't want to go back to my previous place of work. I want a little more out of life and basically if I am going to work for minimum wage then I want to at least be doing something that allows me to be happy and not dread my place of work. I am typing this now to remind myself of what I have not yet forgotten and that is that that place was hell, and I don't want to go back. It is not worth it and I know in a few months I will attempt to convince myself that it isn't as bad as I think it is and that I want to be back there. I don't want to go back to a place where I am miserable and sick to my stomach at the meantion of that place. I deserve more.
With this said I am not sure where I fit in, what I should do and if maybe I should start looking into how to build a more productive than a minimum wage starter job with no progress....but what do i want to be. What do I have passion for? Orginally I was thinking I would start my own fudge business but I foresee myself getting bored with that. I don't know what to do.
Off to do some research......
Friday, June 18, 2010
Awakening
I am at work, on my lunch break and 8 million things are going through my head. As of today I am 28 weeks pregnant. I am in the third trimester and my world in no less figured out than when I last posted here. I feel, most times anyway, that I am starting to get control of my world. This occurs in small, hardly noticable doses but just the same it is happening and it is an improvement.
I am huge, but not as huge as i was last time. I don't even really think that that line between if I am a distinguishing preggo or just fat has been crossed yet. This bugs me....I want what I had with Sara, I was tiny and had a big belly that was without a question a preggo belly.
I have found out since my last post in here that a little boy incubates in my womb. This in itself is most amasing to me. I am going to have a son. Somehow I don't think our family would have ever been complete without a little boy in the picture.
I am worried though about how Makayla will act and grow with this new development. I am worried that she will unintentionally be left behind in ways because she is the middle child. I hope this never happens and I am planning on taking an active role to see that it doesn't. I am still scared that it will though.
My days at work are blending together in a fury of tention and mass frusteration. The stores are moving to new locations and with that brings so much work and body and mind pain for everyone. I, along with everyone else, am struggling to even survive here at this point. Every day tention mounts and the claws come out to play. We are weathering the storm but there is distruction just the same.
David and I couldn't be doing better. Everything is just amasing with him by my side. It still delights me that after 8 years just seeing him brings a smile to my face and a feeling that he can make all the pain and trouble go away. I truely love him and could not see myself without him.
So as I sit here my brain struggles to grasp the fact that work must be done, progress must be made and I have to do it. I long for freedom from this place to be with my babies and my man and away from these confining walls and tempting windows. I want to be outside and carefree, but those kind of people do not exist but in fantasy.
I am huge, but not as huge as i was last time. I don't even really think that that line between if I am a distinguishing preggo or just fat has been crossed yet. This bugs me....I want what I had with Sara, I was tiny and had a big belly that was without a question a preggo belly.
I have found out since my last post in here that a little boy incubates in my womb. This in itself is most amasing to me. I am going to have a son. Somehow I don't think our family would have ever been complete without a little boy in the picture.
I am worried though about how Makayla will act and grow with this new development. I am worried that she will unintentionally be left behind in ways because she is the middle child. I hope this never happens and I am planning on taking an active role to see that it doesn't. I am still scared that it will though.
My days at work are blending together in a fury of tention and mass frusteration. The stores are moving to new locations and with that brings so much work and body and mind pain for everyone. I, along with everyone else, am struggling to even survive here at this point. Every day tention mounts and the claws come out to play. We are weathering the storm but there is distruction just the same.
David and I couldn't be doing better. Everything is just amasing with him by my side. It still delights me that after 8 years just seeing him brings a smile to my face and a feeling that he can make all the pain and trouble go away. I truely love him and could not see myself without him.
So as I sit here my brain struggles to grasp the fact that work must be done, progress must be made and I have to do it. I long for freedom from this place to be with my babies and my man and away from these confining walls and tempting windows. I want to be outside and carefree, but those kind of people do not exist but in fantasy.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
===> Direction <===
I have none, that is just don't. I never really have.
I seem to lack that motivation to self discover. Or I guess I think it would be too hard or too much work to focus on one direction...maybe I just don't want to be dissappointed when a set path goes to a different destination.
I am always running in a circle and never really going the way I want to. It is easy, but in the end it is not satisfying. What do I want in life, who do I want to be....
I like to write, to create something that comes directly from my brain to other people, it feels real.
I once thought a career in Advertising would be for me, but I found it too superficial and in the end I dropped out of college and just...lost all paths.
Now I work in a job where I have no future other than in the momment....no motivation to even continue....really no passion and in the end, no respect. I think that is what bother me at the end of the day, that I am in no way respected. It hurts to feel like I am the bottom of the laddar and that is the only place I wil ever be.
I need to figure myself out. I don't even know where to being. It is a challenge.
Going to do some research!
I seem to lack that motivation to self discover. Or I guess I think it would be too hard or too much work to focus on one direction...maybe I just don't want to be dissappointed when a set path goes to a different destination.
I am always running in a circle and never really going the way I want to. It is easy, but in the end it is not satisfying. What do I want in life, who do I want to be....
I like to write, to create something that comes directly from my brain to other people, it feels real.
I once thought a career in Advertising would be for me, but I found it too superficial and in the end I dropped out of college and just...lost all paths.
Now I work in a job where I have no future other than in the momment....no motivation to even continue....really no passion and in the end, no respect. I think that is what bother me at the end of the day, that I am in no way respected. It hurts to feel like I am the bottom of the laddar and that is the only place I wil ever be.
I need to figure myself out. I don't even know where to being. It is a challenge.
Going to do some research!
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