Where my mind is located tonight.

My mind is everywhere today and it is fun how nothing relates.

Yoday I have been thinking about moms who have lost there babies. Whether it be a miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or any other loss of a baby or infant, I just can't imagine. I am one of few that I know that has not experienced a loss of any kind. I have easy pregnancies, easy labours and I have never dealt with not seeing a + and not bring home a baby nine months later. That would be the most devestating torture every. I would be crushed. Yet these mom's can go on, survive, push through and dream of their angel babies. I have truely been inspired by many moms. I use this inspiration when I am down, at 2am when all my babies are crying and I don't know who to help first and on those days when I have no sleep, I stink and everything is a mess. Some other mom's would kill for what I have and there are days when I have trouble handling it. Then I feel ashamed of not being able to enjoy every minute.

Then my brain goes to my baby boys circumsistion that happened today. I was a nervous wreck before this happened and almost told my dh to cancell the appointment because I was scared for him to be in pain. Now it isn't so bad. I know he is in pain but everything looks ok and in a few weeks everything will be all healed and he will never know any different.

Now my brain jumps again. Amy's wedding is in a few weeks. What the hell am I going to wear? I know what I want to wear but it involves money and I have no idea if there is going to be money at the time. I just feel like it is really important for me to pull off a sexy look, important for me. I need that spark. That va va va voom that allows me to be free in a way that diapers and baby powder can not match.

Jump again - I want to cut my hair...but that scares me because people tend to fuck up my hair.

Next - I am working on getting Mak and Ethan baptised and I am struggling with finding god-parents for Ethan. I have an idea of who I want but I am not sure if it will work out. We are meeting with a Rev. on Tuesday and this guy sounds really nice, actually might get me interested in the Church again. Might be a good place to start to meet people that don't just exist in a cyber plaine.

Jump - David has Monday off. I am glowing over this. We have nothing (well he has an appointment monday and then we meet the Rev Tuesday) but he and I get to be together, and breath for once in a long time. I miss him so much when he is working so much. It really drains me not to have him around, on more than a physical level. He truely is my soulmate.

Well my son is moving...that means food must happen...like now......

Do you dare enter, do you really want to know

No you don't. You put on a brave face and ask me how I am, but that is a loaded question that I will give you a false answer to because in the end all you want is a rosy pretty picture.
I could tell you that I am loving every second of my life with three children, that I am doing great and I am excited about the sunrising every morning. I will tell you things are fine and that I am cooping.
Do you want to know the truth? I am just barely surviving. Each inch of my life has to be planned, mapped out, timed and re-evaluated. My one breath is at times a luxury I am not permitted. I am alone with three children under the age of 4 all the time. I talk to no one, I see know one, I type words on a screen and think they make me sane. I am failing, and not one person in the world will help me or can. I am drowning again. I am not sleeping, I am nsot permitted sleep. You go 3 days on 4 hours of sleep and see where your head is at. I just want to fade and disappear for a night. I want to go out and drink and just dance and not think, have to do anything or even permit myself to be judged. i just want to get completely lost in a beat, in the music, in the light, in the chaos and that is never ever going to happen. I find freedom in the release yet no one else does so it isn't allowed. I have to make out like I am someone else, domesticated and leased and controlled and polite.
If you knew the internal me you would hate me, this face that holds my eyes is a fake that I have made real. What else am I supposed to do, stop trying? Because I want to. I want run and run and run and then wake up and find out that everything is easier. Money is the ruler of the world and it is not making mine spin right now. I got nothing and because I got nothing he is property of his job and we are slaves to his cash flow. Week to week and day to day is not a way to live and not having my husband home with me is making me a bitchy woman and why. We struggle and struggle and nothing changes, why not just crash, just fail and give it all up. I am going to run and just never look back.
I hate the red eyes that look me in the mirror, they scare me, they haunt me in my dreams and they show brightly in the light. I am tired of pretending that I am not tired. I am tired of being the person that other believe is the image. I don't remember who I am anymore. I hide everything about myself so that you can sleep better at night. I can't be saved.
They tell me to remember I chose this, yeah I did. I had my babies, I am with them, I love them, they are my world but it is hard but because I chose this means I am not allowed to ask for help, basically I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. Seems that I am not allowed to have anyone else in the same room as me. I have endure, buck up and take it on the chin and just survive. I will never give up on my children, I will struggle and hurt and be in more pain then imaginable but they will still be more than loved and taken care of. I will be left broken in the process but they won't.
Because what I am writing is a blip in the grande scheme of the world I am not afraid to admit that tonight I am at rock bottom. I am crying and hurting and hurting my husband with the sorrow in my eyes but there is nothing that can make it dissappear. I don't want to hurt him, I want to smile and be the perfect little wife that cooks in the kitchen and breaths life into the home. Right now the demons in my head have control over everything and i can't shake them. My life is a storm and I am not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I am fed up.
I don't do anything to escape...I barely drink, I don't smoke or get high and I am supposed to be better for that. They all tell you never to do any of these things but then when you don't you have nothing to make things better temporarilly. I am proof that living the safe life will not preserve your sanity. You will lose it. I did.
Life is just plained fucked up. I just want to make everything better and there is nothing I can do to make anything better. I am suffering. Tonight I am done.

My little man made my life complete

He is here! My little tiny man that brings so much joy to my heart is sleeping away a foot away from me.My family is complete, my heart is full and everything is great. It amases me to look at him, he is so small and tiny and he has me wrapped around his tiny finger. I have a son. I never thought saying those words would cause me so much happiness.
The girls love there little brother, they are always kiss him and hug him and want to help me with his care. I am so glad that I have such maternal children. I love watching them interact with each other.
I am doing good. Things are hard, I will admit it. I am surviving though. I am getting through each momment one momment at a time. I am doing everything I can to stay ahead of the game and focus on things that really matter and I am happy. I do feel like for once in my life that I am able to focus on me in a different way then I have been able to in the past. I am not going to have any more babies so now I am build my body into the way I want it to be. No do overs.

I have so much more that I want to type but my little baby boy is waking and he wants to see momma face. :)

Midnight Writtings

Here I sit with my keyboard in my had. I have burned through scrabble, some randomn game on facebook and every other source of unproductive entertainment I could find. It is odd but since having my laptop back I have not really had an urge to do anything I haven't before. At the same time I feel the need to be productive. I need to use what I have now in a way that benefits me, but I don't know what way that is.
Tomorrow the girls and going to visit oma for two days. I plan on walking as much as I can, having sex and doing anything else that I can do to make this baby come out. It needs to happen this weekend or I am going to be induced on Monday with no plan for where the girls are going to be. My mom doesn't think she can handle them for any length of time and she wants to be there with me when I go into labour so there is really no option there. David's dad won't be home until 5 and it will most likely be around 6 that I go in, so it would be very hard for us to get them to his dad's and then get back to the hospital. Maybe David can take them and then mom can take me to the hospital and then David can come back. But I still have to figure out where the girls are going to go from David's dad's house since his dad works the next morning early. I would love it if mom could pick them up from there and take them to her house for tuesday and then David can even pick them up that night or Wednesday if possible. But I don't know if that will happen. Anytime I talk to mom about it she tells me that we will just have to play it by ear, it seems as though she is the only person not really willing to help me and that makes it hard because when it comes down to it she is the person that could help me the most.
I am drained in every sense of the word and I just can't even fathom how everything is going to play out in the next couple of days. I guess I just have to pray that I get out of the hospital as soon as possible and woman up and deal with everything regardless of life.
I know these babies are mine, they are mine to deal with in happiness, saddness, health and otherwise but sometimes it feels like I have been abondonned by family, They are there of course but they prefer to stand outside the circle and look in instead of coming in and seeing things and helping. I guess my support system is pretty much MIA.
I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I am really just annoyed with how passe everyone is and I am selfish I guess to think that I even matter, I don't really care though anymore and becoming more introverted might be what is needed.
Typing all this out makes me put a lot more of my life in persepective and that makes me sad. Feeling unimportant at such any important time in my life is hard and emotionally I could easily crash and burn. But.... I won't let myself. I can do this and I will find a way. I am sorry to say but I can't have baby and keep my other children entertained in the process and I guess some people don't get this but I guess all that matters is that either way I have to give birth. If I have to be alone I will be....I refuse to be put head of the children so if that means that David will have to be with the other two than I guess that has to happen. I will not be happy at all with my mother if she insists on being in there with me and David can't be because no one will watch the girls. She will not be permitted in the room if this is the case. Don't put me in a situation that adds stress to one of the hardest momments of my life. I don't want to deal with it.

Surrounded by laundry

Today has been about nesting, nesting and even more nesting. All I have done is clean and I am finally proud and comfortable with how the house looks. I was worried someone was going to have to stay here if I go into labour and I would be embarassed by the house.
I feel ready for baby Ethan to come. I just want him to be here so badly but at the same time I want to savour this time as much as possible. I want to hold my baby boy.
The girls are so excited to meet their little brother. It is still so odd to me that I am going to be the mother of three. I know that seems weird but I seriously sometimes wonder how I got from being in high school to this point. How did I have babies, how did I become a mom. This is still new to me and I don't think it will ever become old or ordinary. Every minute is new, different and adaptable. Some momments are so hard and some just make me smile. If someone asked me what it is to be a mom I would say it is like being on a roller coaster. You feel more love, more happiness, more sadness, more passion, more anger and more insanity than you ever have in your life the momment that you become a mom. You have so many hopes, so many dreams and so many wishes for the little baby that you hold in your arms from the first time. It is so emotional.
So much is changing in such a small amount of time. My big girl is starting school and I am probably going to miss her first day because I am being induced on Monday. I think she might miss the first day too just because there won't be a way to get her there if i am in labour or if Ethan has just been born. We are talking to her teacher tomorrow for the first time and we will find out if missing the first day will be a big deal. I hope we can work this all out.
Life is just crazy right now....or should i say it is on hold. I feel like I am waiting to breath. I know there is so much that is going to happen and I am really trying to be prepared in every single way that I can and that is exhausting me. I just want every transition to happen smoothly.
In a week from tomorrow not only will I have a newborn, but I will also have a kindergarten kid! Breath mama breath lol!

My headphones plug me in.

Music is my one sweet release. My one passion, my one desire to be more than the shell I am currently. My children are my life but music is my escape. I need it and I have grown weak without it, but now I am rebuilding. I am ready.
Music births passion and freedom....dance moves me. I am going to start to become myself again and let beats, tunes, lyric flow through a release the chained up mother that is consumed inside.
I write words to show I was here, I dance to be me. I am going to be as much as I can be every day. I am not superwoman but I can learn to breath again.
Children are hard. They drain and exhaust you but they are wonderful. They are just these amasing little people that show more love, more realistic fusion than most adults. Their possiblities are limitless and if I accomplish anything in this lifetime I want to be a good mother. I think it is important for me to be me to accomplish this task. I show raw love and emotion every day and they know me. I am real with them, it comes naturally.
Tonight words are not enough to lead me to satisfaction...tonight I need the beat.

Soon to be 3....oh my....

I am going to lose it. Going to lose my mind, my sanity, myself. I am struggling with two right now, being 9 months pregnant and dealing with two toddlers is not fun, and yes my hands are full. I want to punch everyone in the face who says that to me.
I am about to pop. I don't think there is anymore space for baby Ethan in my belly. I have streached, expanded and exploded as much as I can and half of me wants this to be done. Only half though. the other half of me wants him to stay in forever. He is safe, protected and easy. It is hard to move, breath, bend but it is all just about me and him. With him out...I don't have as much control. I have to compromise my timing with all three of them and find my new self. my own power. It is going to be hard and I know it and I am going to flow through it and make every second count....sleeping counts.
There is another aspect to my mind lately and that is just figuring out who I am going to be after all this. I don't want to go back to my previous place of work. I want a little more out of life and basically if I am going to work for minimum wage then I want to at least be doing something that allows me to be happy and not dread my place of work. I am typing this now to remind myself of what I have not yet forgotten and that is that that place was hell, and I don't want to go back. It is not worth it and I know in a few months I will attempt to convince myself that it isn't as bad as I think it is and that I want to be back there. I don't want to go back to a place where I am miserable and sick to my stomach at the meantion of that place. I deserve more.
With this said I am not sure where I fit in, what I should do and if maybe I should start looking into how to build a more productive than a minimum wage starter job with no progress....but what do i want to be. What do I have passion for? Orginally I was thinking I would start my own fudge business but I foresee myself getting bored with that. I don't know what to do.
Off to do some research......