I love rainy nights when the world is quiet. It is almost like everything is waiting to wake up and breath. Much like myself. I am on this journey and I think writing about it is helping me to become the person I really want to be. I feel like I can be more. I want to do something to better myself, to make me someone that the girls can look up too. I am not sure what yet and I have no idea how to accomplish something like this, but for the first time, this is something I want to do.
I went to college for a year and didn't fit in. Partialy due to an overbearing mother and because I never quite felt like I fit in. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I doubt it was an education. Since then I have fallen victim to the winds and I have not made anything happen for myself, everything I have was simply the way that it was. Now life means more than just being there. I want to be someone.....in charge of my own destiny.
I don't know what to do..take a course...take a class....I don't know. I think my first step is going to be to check out the library here in my town to see what is available there. I don't drive so things need to be in close proximity to me. I think if the weather is nice tomorrow that I will check it out.
I think I want to find something physical to do. I would love to take a fitness class or dance class and so far I have found one dance hall close to me. I think I will check that out too. Tomorrow I am going to try and get away from the kids for a little while and go for a walk by myself and investigate. It is time I broke out of this box known as my house.
So I end tonight with motivation and aspirations to make myself better and stronger. To look into the future and see a change controlled by ME and not just the flow of events. I am in control of my destiny!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Night time Ramblings...
Life.....whew....is constant craziness...
Today was typical. I got up at 8:30 and let David, my fiance sleep in. We take turns as it is a rare luxury. I got up, changed 2 diapers, made a bottle for Makayla (almost 4 months old) and Rice Crispies for Sara (2 1/2 years old). I feed the baby, turned on the cartoons and then proceeded to attempt to find kitchen under all the dirty dishes. Heaven forbide someone showed up unexpected...I don't think I would answer the door. Around this time I long for a nice hot coffee but I never manage to get any made. 10:00am hits and it is time for two more diaper changes, at least the kids have syncronized their bladders. Amidst all the clutter, screams, laughs, tears and smiles fill the air and I stop to breath...sometimes I forget and I start grinding my teeth much to the disappointment of my dentist.
11:00 hits and I decide that David has slept enough. He gets up and we take the girls for a walk and find out that there is no where in town that carries size one diapers....really pissed me off because now we have to use gas to go to the next town over to get diapers..not fun.
All in all the rest of the day was uneventful, made lunch, girls had a nap, I had a nap....cooked dinner, bathed the girls and then they went to bed and now here I sit typing.
Now I sit here and try to fill blank space and hope that something insightful comes to mind. I am also trying to plan my Buck and Doe to be a success. I am not the kind of person that can "plan" things. I enjoy planning but I hate the disappointment when it comes to the event and not as many people showup as I was hoping for. Orginally I was not planning on having a Vuck and Doe but we got the hall for free with our booking for the reception. Our theme is Luau and I know that it will be a blast if people walk through the door. I have been known to over plan events and attempt to think of every little thing only for the bigger details to fall through. I feel like I have to meet other people standards. I have always been the girl that enjoys playing the games, enjoying life and the momment. How do I plan a party for people that are viewed as "classy" I always feel as if my parties are "beneath" some people. I don't want to fit into someone elses shoes or opinions but that happens. Everytime an idea come to mind I find myslef thinking "Would so and so do this or like this" and I either accept based on that and not my own thought on the idea. It is exhausting trying to be everyone to everyone!
Blah...I don't want to be put in a box or on a pedestal. Now my mind has wandered to something that was said to me the other day while shopping..."That shirt is so you!...It has mommy written all over it." Ummmmmmm sorry...yes I am a mother, but I would still like to look cute, or sexy or anthing other that functional and frumpy as I consider a lot of "mommy clothes." I know this statement was not meant to be mean and I know that I am blowing it way out of proportion but it stung.
Mind changes again.....I am struggling with my weight...I am heavy...not fat pre say...but definatly not skinny. I have a friend that is so worried about my weight even more so than I am and that bothers me. I mean seriously I will not die if I don't loose more weight by my wedding. She makes it sound like it should be my only consern in the world. It is tooooo much pressure. I am just starting to come to grips with my body as I had a baby 4 months ago. This pregnancy I didn't gain any weight but I gained 60lbs with my first that is still around. Yes I would love to lose some or all of it but I am not going to make myself miserable or sick over it. I think there are more important things in life like having fun with my girls and having them see that I can be happy with myself the way I am. I don't need them seeing a stressed out mother that loathes herself because she doesn't look like the cover of a magazine. I want my girls to have a healthy, realistic view of how a woman's body looks and the amasing things that a woman's body can do. Beauty is everywhere and being real and happy are so important. This is something that it has literally taken years and years to get through my head. even when I was in highschool and only 120lbs I thought I was fat and attempted to hide my body whenever I could. I hated everything about myself and wished I was someone else. Acceptance in one's self is so important to be happy. I don't there is a woman alive that doesn't have parts of her that she doesn't like, but have you ever stopped to think of why that is.... We are the way we are supposed to be and to me that is sexy and cute and just beautiful. This blog is a journey of me figuring out who I am.... and tonight....and for ever I will be real!
Goodnight world!
Today was typical. I got up at 8:30 and let David, my fiance sleep in. We take turns as it is a rare luxury. I got up, changed 2 diapers, made a bottle for Makayla (almost 4 months old) and Rice Crispies for Sara (2 1/2 years old). I feed the baby, turned on the cartoons and then proceeded to attempt to find kitchen under all the dirty dishes. Heaven forbide someone showed up unexpected...I don't think I would answer the door. Around this time I long for a nice hot coffee but I never manage to get any made. 10:00am hits and it is time for two more diaper changes, at least the kids have syncronized their bladders. Amidst all the clutter, screams, laughs, tears and smiles fill the air and I stop to breath...sometimes I forget and I start grinding my teeth much to the disappointment of my dentist.
11:00 hits and I decide that David has slept enough. He gets up and we take the girls for a walk and find out that there is no where in town that carries size one diapers....really pissed me off because now we have to use gas to go to the next town over to get diapers..not fun.
All in all the rest of the day was uneventful, made lunch, girls had a nap, I had a nap....cooked dinner, bathed the girls and then they went to bed and now here I sit typing.
Now I sit here and try to fill blank space and hope that something insightful comes to mind. I am also trying to plan my Buck and Doe to be a success. I am not the kind of person that can "plan" things. I enjoy planning but I hate the disappointment when it comes to the event and not as many people showup as I was hoping for. Orginally I was not planning on having a Vuck and Doe but we got the hall for free with our booking for the reception. Our theme is Luau and I know that it will be a blast if people walk through the door. I have been known to over plan events and attempt to think of every little thing only for the bigger details to fall through. I feel like I have to meet other people standards. I have always been the girl that enjoys playing the games, enjoying life and the momment. How do I plan a party for people that are viewed as "classy" I always feel as if my parties are "beneath" some people. I don't want to fit into someone elses shoes or opinions but that happens. Everytime an idea come to mind I find myslef thinking "Would so and so do this or like this" and I either accept based on that and not my own thought on the idea. It is exhausting trying to be everyone to everyone!
Blah...I don't want to be put in a box or on a pedestal. Now my mind has wandered to something that was said to me the other day while shopping..."That shirt is so you!...It has mommy written all over it." Ummmmmmm sorry...yes I am a mother, but I would still like to look cute, or sexy or anthing other that functional and frumpy as I consider a lot of "mommy clothes." I know this statement was not meant to be mean and I know that I am blowing it way out of proportion but it stung.
Mind changes again.....I am struggling with my weight...I am heavy...not fat pre say...but definatly not skinny. I have a friend that is so worried about my weight even more so than I am and that bothers me. I mean seriously I will not die if I don't loose more weight by my wedding. She makes it sound like it should be my only consern in the world. It is tooooo much pressure. I am just starting to come to grips with my body as I had a baby 4 months ago. This pregnancy I didn't gain any weight but I gained 60lbs with my first that is still around. Yes I would love to lose some or all of it but I am not going to make myself miserable or sick over it. I think there are more important things in life like having fun with my girls and having them see that I can be happy with myself the way I am. I don't need them seeing a stressed out mother that loathes herself because she doesn't look like the cover of a magazine. I want my girls to have a healthy, realistic view of how a woman's body looks and the amasing things that a woman's body can do. Beauty is everywhere and being real and happy are so important. This is something that it has literally taken years and years to get through my head. even when I was in highschool and only 120lbs I thought I was fat and attempted to hide my body whenever I could. I hated everything about myself and wished I was someone else. Acceptance in one's self is so important to be happy. I don't there is a woman alive that doesn't have parts of her that she doesn't like, but have you ever stopped to think of why that is.... We are the way we are supposed to be and to me that is sexy and cute and just beautiful. This blog is a journey of me figuring out who I am.... and tonight....and for ever I will be real!
Goodnight world!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sun from behind the Cloud
Inspiration is an amasing thing... it can strike in a place that you never ever thought it would. My inspiration today came from an old friend who read what I have written and understood. She is in a different place in her life but still sometimes words can bridge the gap. Today I smiled and shed happy tears at the words she said. Thank you.
I am happy, actually glowing today. I know I am blessed. The sound of my children flows through the air and I am thrilled. I think it is imporant to step back sometimes and really look at everything that is good. The most amasing thing in the world is when my little angel turns to me and says "I love you Mommy." At that exact momment nothing else matters...just my little loves!!
Watching my 3 month old kick, smile and just grow is gorgous....just the way she looks at me is enough to inspire me to be a better person. I feel strong and just beautiful.
Today is great.... and I hope that every person out there that is having a hard day gets a momment of rest and inspiration!
Cheers
T
I am happy, actually glowing today. I know I am blessed. The sound of my children flows through the air and I am thrilled. I think it is imporant to step back sometimes and really look at everything that is good. The most amasing thing in the world is when my little angel turns to me and says "I love you Mommy." At that exact momment nothing else matters...just my little loves!!
Watching my 3 month old kick, smile and just grow is gorgous....just the way she looks at me is enough to inspire me to be a better person. I feel strong and just beautiful.
Today is great.... and I hope that every person out there that is having a hard day gets a momment of rest and inspiration!
Cheers
T
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Love
Love.....what is it.....where does it come from and how did I find it?
These questions invade my mind and questions of uncertainity follow them. Not uncertain am I of the fact that I have found love, but I am of how love is kept. For 6 years years I have been inlove and I remain so... deeply in love with the one person that can make me smile, that I can cry in front of and that holds me when that is the only thing in the world to do. I am going to marry this man and unlike many these days, we will succeed in this marriage.
Marriage is a very confusing thing. Any task that you have at hand in life people encourage you to focus on the good, on the positive....yet with marriage, any young couple that states that they will be together forever is met with rolling eyes and a forboding smirk as if to say "yeah right..." It pains me greatly to see suffering in so many people and today divorce and seperation is a money making business that latches on to desperation.
I worry though, am I the crazy one that thinks marriage is still worthwhile and special. I look at my family and not one person is still with the person they married the first time,or had children with. Am I crazy to believe that MY marriage will be the one that lasts.
To be married there is the impossible task of the wedding, which needless to say is not about the bride and groom and their happiness...it is about proving yourself. A bride must plan the prefect party in order to impress and be hailed as a "success" I dont care about napkins, and chair covers and what dinner we will have and if the dj has been in the businessfor 50years....I JUST WANT TO MARRY THE MAN I LOVE! This task is especially challenging when there is a lack of funds as prevails all most everyone these days...
I sit tonight in a state of.....isolation and defeat... In more ways than one I feel like I have been run over by a truck and no one cares... except for my love. I worry though, is it fair to him to place all my needs and wants and suffering on his shoulders when I know he has many to bear himself. I feel guilty placing my problems in his direction, like I am placing what should be held by many on to just his shoulders. I don't have many close friends and the ones I do have aren't in my standing... and I don't mean social. I have children so naturally I have the mindset of responisiblity and planning. My friends are younger and tend to attempt to act older but in the end immaturity prevails. I morn for my lost youth but I try not to dewl on it as the future must over come the past.
I know I am one of a kind and that makes life hard. I sometimes wonder about the paths I have choosen. I don't have regrets however, just lingering wonderings. Right now I am trying to find my place, my role. I am a mother...but also a woman. Things have changed greatly with my birth into maother hood and I am still adjusting to the light that has be shed on those changes. Motherhood is not just about the birth of your children...it is a new identity that is completely different from anything that has been done up until that point. The momment your baby crown in the light for the first time everything in the past is done....you are now....changed.
Imagine being a insect all your life. You crawl, eat, sleep like an insect. You live life and never miss a thing. And then...suddenly..you grown wings and you lift off the ground. The life you had before is now regarded with bordom....now you can see things you have never seen, feel things you have never felt.....you can be more than you ever were....That is what it means to become a mother....
These questions invade my mind and questions of uncertainity follow them. Not uncertain am I of the fact that I have found love, but I am of how love is kept. For 6 years years I have been inlove and I remain so... deeply in love with the one person that can make me smile, that I can cry in front of and that holds me when that is the only thing in the world to do. I am going to marry this man and unlike many these days, we will succeed in this marriage.
Marriage is a very confusing thing. Any task that you have at hand in life people encourage you to focus on the good, on the positive....yet with marriage, any young couple that states that they will be together forever is met with rolling eyes and a forboding smirk as if to say "yeah right..." It pains me greatly to see suffering in so many people and today divorce and seperation is a money making business that latches on to desperation.
I worry though, am I the crazy one that thinks marriage is still worthwhile and special. I look at my family and not one person is still with the person they married the first time,or had children with. Am I crazy to believe that MY marriage will be the one that lasts.
To be married there is the impossible task of the wedding, which needless to say is not about the bride and groom and their happiness...it is about proving yourself. A bride must plan the prefect party in order to impress and be hailed as a "success" I dont care about napkins, and chair covers and what dinner we will have and if the dj has been in the businessfor 50years....I JUST WANT TO MARRY THE MAN I LOVE! This task is especially challenging when there is a lack of funds as prevails all most everyone these days...
I sit tonight in a state of.....isolation and defeat... In more ways than one I feel like I have been run over by a truck and no one cares... except for my love. I worry though, is it fair to him to place all my needs and wants and suffering on his shoulders when I know he has many to bear himself. I feel guilty placing my problems in his direction, like I am placing what should be held by many on to just his shoulders. I don't have many close friends and the ones I do have aren't in my standing... and I don't mean social. I have children so naturally I have the mindset of responisiblity and planning. My friends are younger and tend to attempt to act older but in the end immaturity prevails. I morn for my lost youth but I try not to dewl on it as the future must over come the past.
I know I am one of a kind and that makes life hard. I sometimes wonder about the paths I have choosen. I don't have regrets however, just lingering wonderings. Right now I am trying to find my place, my role. I am a mother...but also a woman. Things have changed greatly with my birth into maother hood and I am still adjusting to the light that has be shed on those changes. Motherhood is not just about the birth of your children...it is a new identity that is completely different from anything that has been done up until that point. The momment your baby crown in the light for the first time everything in the past is done....you are now....changed.
Imagine being a insect all your life. You crawl, eat, sleep like an insect. You live life and never miss a thing. And then...suddenly..you grown wings and you lift off the ground. The life you had before is now regarded with bordom....now you can see things you have never seen, feel things you have never felt.....you can be more than you ever were....That is what it means to become a mother....
Friday, April 10, 2009
Too Much LIFE
Today is hard.
I don't know how to describe how I feel other than to say that my body feels too tight. My brain is set on overdrive and I am out of gas. I hate this....so much and I just want it to end.
My medication is making me worse more than it is making me better. I want to cry....and never stop.
I feel like no one in the world is going through what I am going through and no one can understand because they are not where I am. My friends say they are there for me but when I am at my breaking point no one is around. I am alone...not good alone...but utterly alone in emotion. I am cut off in my mind from anyone and everyone and it makes me sad. I want to curl up in a ball and cry until I can't cry anymore.
I need to be away from everyone especially my kids for one day, just one day. I can't do this anymore. I am struggling to keep a smile on my face through this pain inside. But what can I do, I am a mommy, I have to cope no matter what. Mommy cares for all, no one takes care of her. I need to escape in ways I have never felt before. I wish I could escape from myself.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Admiting I had post pardem depression was easy, not finding the right medication is killing me. Since I started these pills I have not felt like me....I feel like I am in a cloud. So far I have tried 30mg of Cymbalta....then 60mg.... then back to 30mg and now I am on a completely different pill......oh god I want to scream...
Tonight I am done....I am crying...
I don't know how to describe how I feel other than to say that my body feels too tight. My brain is set on overdrive and I am out of gas. I hate this....so much and I just want it to end.
My medication is making me worse more than it is making me better. I want to cry....and never stop.
I feel like no one in the world is going through what I am going through and no one can understand because they are not where I am. My friends say they are there for me but when I am at my breaking point no one is around. I am alone...not good alone...but utterly alone in emotion. I am cut off in my mind from anyone and everyone and it makes me sad. I want to curl up in a ball and cry until I can't cry anymore.
I need to be away from everyone especially my kids for one day, just one day. I can't do this anymore. I am struggling to keep a smile on my face through this pain inside. But what can I do, I am a mommy, I have to cope no matter what. Mommy cares for all, no one takes care of her. I need to escape in ways I have never felt before. I wish I could escape from myself.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Admiting I had post pardem depression was easy, not finding the right medication is killing me. Since I started these pills I have not felt like me....I feel like I am in a cloud. So far I have tried 30mg of Cymbalta....then 60mg.... then back to 30mg and now I am on a completely different pill......oh god I want to scream...
Tonight I am done....I am crying...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The beginning
Today I created this blog, not sure of the reason or the real need but it has been created none the less. My brain is a muddled mess of things that to most seem randomn and uneventful, but in today's world beauty can be found in the stangest of all places.
Today I show the world that there is more behind my eyes than just a reflection. I am a 23 year old mother of two girls. I am engaged to be married in the fall. These two points consume my days and my thoughts so they will consume this blog as well.
Currently, I am sitting here with my cat Romeo at my feet and the sound of my fiance playing Mortal Kombat invading the air. I am not a fan of his playstation as it consumes a great deal of his time and it times it fills me with an irrational jealousy.
Tonight is quiet. My girls are asleep. Now is the only time in the day when I can breath, and sit and relax. The only time where my head and thoughts are my own. I am a mother and this amases me. It isn't that I never thought I would have a little one calling my mommy, it is the realisation that I have done something with my life. I have made a little person. I have not accomplished a lot with my life...not in society's sense anyway. I don't make a great deal of money, nor have many possesions there for in the eyes of those of "importance" I am not of worth. In my eyes, the only ones that matter to me, I am amasing.....I have given birth! In this effort I have given up things that society finds valuable such as my youth, my figure and my independence. In the end those are sacrafices I would gladly make again to be in the position that I am in. In my eyes I have more than most.....Love.
As I said above my mind is a confusing and sometimes strange place. I have come to see that I, like most people, wear a mask. This mask is to protect me from looking foolish. Society has set rules and ALL must abide by them. These sets of rules mean things like one cannot do anything that someone else wouldn't do. I have become a pawn in this game of rules and I feel compelled to bury my head rather than be seen looking foolish. Being a mother means I have to "appear" put together. I must look, and act the part. A mother isn't supposed to be reckless, foolish, clumsy, messy.....I, however fit these descriptions well. The birth of motherhood is also the birth of confusion in oneself. One question resonates deeply in my mind....How can I be ME...
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