Love

Love.....what is it.....where does it come from and how did I find it?

These questions invade my mind and questions of uncertainity follow them. Not uncertain am I of the fact that I have found love, but I am of how love is kept. For 6 years years I have been inlove and I remain so... deeply in love with the one person that can make me smile, that I can cry in front of and that holds me when that is the only thing in the world to do. I am going to marry this man and unlike many these days, we will succeed in this marriage.

Marriage is a very confusing thing. Any task that you have at hand in life people encourage you to focus on the good, on the positive....yet with marriage, any young couple that states that they will be together forever is met with rolling eyes and a forboding smirk as if to say "yeah right..." It pains me greatly to see suffering in so many people and today divorce and seperation is a money making business that latches on to desperation.

I worry though, am I the crazy one that thinks marriage is still worthwhile and special. I look at my family and not one person is still with the person they married the first time,or had children with. Am I crazy to believe that MY marriage will be the one that lasts.

To be married there is the impossible task of the wedding, which needless to say is not about the bride and groom and their happiness...it is about proving yourself. A bride must plan the prefect party in order to impress and be hailed as a "success" I dont care about napkins, and chair covers and what dinner we will have and if the dj has been in the businessfor 50years....I JUST WANT TO MARRY THE MAN I LOVE! This task is especially challenging when there is a lack of funds as prevails all most everyone these days...

I sit tonight in a state of.....isolation and defeat... In more ways than one I feel like I have been run over by a truck and no one cares... except for my love. I worry though, is it fair to him to place all my needs and wants and suffering on his shoulders when I know he has many to bear himself. I feel guilty placing my problems in his direction, like I am placing what should be held by many on to just his shoulders. I don't have many close friends and the ones I do have aren't in my standing... and I don't mean social. I have children so naturally I have the mindset of responisiblity and planning. My friends are younger and tend to attempt to act older but in the end immaturity prevails. I morn for my lost youth but I try not to dewl on it as the future must over come the past.

I know I am one of a kind and that makes life hard. I sometimes wonder about the paths I have choosen. I don't have regrets however, just lingering wonderings. Right now I am trying to find my place, my role. I am a mother...but also a woman. Things have changed greatly with my birth into maother hood and I am still adjusting to the light that has be shed on those changes. Motherhood is not just about the birth of your children...it is a new identity that is completely different from anything that has been done up until that point. The momment your baby crown in the light for the first time everything in the past is done....you are now....changed.

Imagine being a insect all your life. You crawl, eat, sleep like an insect. You live life and never miss a thing. And then...suddenly..you grown wings and you lift off the ground. The life you had before is now regarded with bordom....now you can see things you have never seen, feel things you have never felt.....you can be more than you ever were....That is what it means to become a mother....