The beginning

Today I created this blog, not sure of the reason or the real need but it has been created none the less. My brain is a muddled mess of things that to most seem randomn and uneventful, but in today's world beauty can be found in the stangest of all places.

Today I show the world that there is more behind my eyes than just a reflection. I am a 23 year old mother of two girls. I am engaged to be married in the fall. These two points consume my days and my thoughts so they will consume this blog as well.

Currently, I am sitting here with my cat Romeo at my feet and the sound of my fiance playing Mortal Kombat invading the air. I am not a fan of his playstation as it consumes a great deal of his time and it times it fills me with an irrational jealousy.

Tonight is quiet. My girls are asleep. Now is the only time in the day when I can breath, and sit and relax. The only time where my head and thoughts are my own. I am a mother and this amases me. It isn't that I never thought I would have a little one calling my mommy, it is the realisation that I have done something with my life. I have made a little person. I have not accomplished a lot with my life...not in society's sense anyway. I don't make a great deal of money, nor have many possesions there for in the eyes of those of "importance" I am not of worth. In my eyes, the only ones that matter to me, I am amasing.....I have given birth! In this effort I have given up things that society finds valuable such as my youth, my figure and my independence. In the end those are sacrafices I would gladly make again to be in the position that I am in. In my eyes I have more than most.....Love.

As I said above my mind is a confusing and sometimes strange place. I have come to see that I, like most people, wear a mask. This mask is to protect me from looking foolish. Society has set rules and ALL must abide by them. These sets of rules mean things like one cannot do anything that someone else wouldn't do. I have become a pawn in this game of rules and I feel compelled to bury my head rather than be seen looking foolish. Being a mother means I have to "appear" put together. I must look, and act the part. A mother isn't supposed to be reckless, foolish, clumsy, messy.....I, however fit these descriptions well. The birth of motherhood is also the birth of confusion in oneself. One question resonates deeply in my mind....How can I be ME...