Night time Ramblings...

Life.....whew....is constant craziness...

Today was typical. I got up at 8:30 and let David, my fiance sleep in. We take turns as it is a rare luxury. I got up, changed 2 diapers, made a bottle for Makayla (almost 4 months old) and Rice Crispies for Sara (2 1/2 years old). I feed the baby, turned on the cartoons and then proceeded to attempt to find kitchen under all the dirty dishes. Heaven forbide someone showed up unexpected...I don't think I would answer the door. Around this time I long for a nice hot coffee but I never manage to get any made. 10:00am hits and it is time for two more diaper changes, at least the kids have syncronized their bladders. Amidst all the clutter, screams, laughs, tears and smiles fill the air and I stop to breath...sometimes I forget and I start grinding my teeth much to the disappointment of my dentist.
11:00 hits and I decide that David has slept enough. He gets up and we take the girls for a walk and find out that there is no where in town that carries size one diapers....really pissed me off because now we have to use gas to go to the next town over to get diapers..not fun.
All in all the rest of the day was uneventful, made lunch, girls had a nap, I had a nap....cooked dinner, bathed the girls and then they went to bed and now here I sit typing.

Now I sit here and try to fill blank space and hope that something insightful comes to mind. I am also trying to plan my Buck and Doe to be a success. I am not the kind of person that can "plan" things. I enjoy planning but I hate the disappointment when it comes to the event and not as many people showup as I was hoping for. Orginally I was not planning on having a Vuck and Doe but we got the hall for free with our booking for the reception. Our theme is Luau and I know that it will be a blast if people walk through the door. I have been known to over plan events and attempt to think of every little thing only for the bigger details to fall through. I feel like I have to meet other people standards. I have always been the girl that enjoys playing the games, enjoying life and the momment. How do I plan a party for people that are viewed as "classy" I always feel as if my parties are "beneath" some people. I don't want to fit into someone elses shoes or opinions but that happens. Everytime an idea come to mind I find myslef thinking "Would so and so do this or like this" and I either accept based on that and not my own thought on the idea. It is exhausting trying to be everyone to everyone!

Blah...I don't want to be put in a box or on a pedestal. Now my mind has wandered to something that was said to me the other day while shopping..."That shirt is so you!...It has mommy written all over it." Ummmmmmm sorry...yes I am a mother, but I would still like to look cute, or sexy or anthing other that functional and frumpy as I consider a lot of "mommy clothes." I know this statement was not meant to be mean and I know that I am blowing it way out of proportion but it stung.

Mind changes again.....I am struggling with my weight...I am heavy...not fat pre say...but definatly not skinny. I have a friend that is so worried about my weight even more so than I am and that bothers me. I mean seriously I will not die if I don't loose more weight by my wedding. She makes it sound like it should be my only consern in the world. It is tooooo much pressure. I am just starting to come to grips with my body as I had a baby 4 months ago. This pregnancy I didn't gain any weight but I gained 60lbs with my first that is still around. Yes I would love to lose some or all of it but I am not going to make myself miserable or sick over it. I think there are more important things in life like having fun with my girls and having them see that I can be happy with myself the way I am. I don't need them seeing a stressed out mother that loathes herself because she doesn't look like the cover of a magazine. I want my girls to have a healthy, realistic view of how a woman's body looks and the amasing things that a woman's body can do. Beauty is everywhere and being real and happy are so important. This is something that it has literally taken years and years to get through my head. even when I was in highschool and only 120lbs I thought I was fat and attempted to hide my body whenever I could. I hated everything about myself and wished I was someone else. Acceptance in one's self is so important to be happy. I don't there is a woman alive that doesn't have parts of her that she doesn't like, but have you ever stopped to think of why that is.... We are the way we are supposed to be and to me that is sexy and cute and just beautiful. This blog is a journey of me figuring out who I am.... and tonight....and for ever I will be real!

Goodnight world!