Grumpy! That is about it...I am grumpy. I don't really have a reason to be but I am. Well I have a sort of reason. One of my bridesmaids will not be able to be at my wedding due to a commitment that she cannot get out of and I completely understand and I have no resentment at all towards my girl... I love her to death!
My predicament is who do I put in her place. I do have two options....and one is more of an option than the other but is it fair to ask someone to be a bridesmaid when the wedding is 4 months away and most of the planning is done??? She would have to buy her dress and all that...I mean this girl is definatly a close friend and all. I guess the only thing to do is ask and hope that I don't sound.....unreasonable....poop
Nail polish is pissing me off too, I mean seriously...how hard is it to paint your nails? To me it might as well be rocket science. Grrrr...frusteration comes easily tonight
In this post I plan to unleash allof my self loathing and recent self defeat and confliction. I am not happy with me....not emotionally....definatly not physically...just no happiness right now when it comes to me. I should be glowing...I have children, I am getting married, I am on anti-depressants....however, not so happy...
I am eatting again...a lot and not healthy. Grandma sent me home with 800 freaking cookies....ummm, wedding dress thank you very much! I am sarcastic tonight and sarcasism doesn't compute well. I wish I had the will power to stick my finger down my throut...or just stop eatting. I wish I could flick a switch "Food - Off" and be done with it...be a size 2 in 4 months and all the world would dance in merriment because we all know happiness depends on the scales numbers. Gosh I am a pessimist tonight. But hey, this is my blog..tough
I feel like...it's my birthday and someone shit on my cake...not a good feeling but once the day has past at least you have a funny story to tell. I feel like I am borderline psycho bitch that looks herself in a room and draws pictures on the walls in red crayon....actually...that sounds quite fun....
I am glad I have this momment to myself...away from everyone. It feels like I have not been by myself in weeks and honestly I don't think I have. I have been visiting family and when I am there my baby shares a room with us, so I have literally been at least 4 days with a child with my for all hours up until these last twoo hours. Maybe I am coming down from an overflow of bad cartoons...
I am going crazy....I think it would be best if I just gave up and went to bed...night world...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
A little down time...whew!
Today I am busy! Tomorrow morning at 8:00 sharp we are leaving to go to Sudbury to seemy family. Going to Sudbury used to mean throwing a few things in a suitcase and heading out the door. Now with two kids it means planning and packing the entire day before going. Whew! It is only 3:00 and I am pooped. The kids are napping so I am taking a momment to stop.
I had caffine today for the first time in a while and let me tell you it is packing a punch. I feel really good today.
I have been thinking a lot about things lately and I really feel like I have came out of the darkness with my post pardem depression. It has been hard but I finally feel like I can handle the situations that I have in my day to day living. Everything seemed so impossible before and now it is a little bit easier. Well, about as easy as it can be with too small children. I am really very glad that I go help with it because now I see how bad it was. I didn't feel rational. Now we I have a problem I am not afraid to conquer and stand up to the problem rather than being side swiped. I am not saying that I am Martha Stewart and I have become a domesticated goddess that can handle anything. I just feel like I am getting used to my own skin.
I am getting back into the wedding planning mood which is good because there is only 4 months left. I need to have a meeting with all of my bridesmaids and get some help! I feel like there is just so much to do and not much time to pull it all together. My biggest consern is that I need a DJ for the wedding and many are booking up quickly. I hope I can find one!
I must get back to my housewife life and get laundry folded and put away, things are so much easier when the girls are napping!!
Love
T
I had caffine today for the first time in a while and let me tell you it is packing a punch. I feel really good today.
I have been thinking a lot about things lately and I really feel like I have came out of the darkness with my post pardem depression. It has been hard but I finally feel like I can handle the situations that I have in my day to day living. Everything seemed so impossible before and now it is a little bit easier. Well, about as easy as it can be with too small children. I am really very glad that I go help with it because now I see how bad it was. I didn't feel rational. Now we I have a problem I am not afraid to conquer and stand up to the problem rather than being side swiped. I am not saying that I am Martha Stewart and I have become a domesticated goddess that can handle anything. I just feel like I am getting used to my own skin.
I am getting back into the wedding planning mood which is good because there is only 4 months left. I need to have a meeting with all of my bridesmaids and get some help! I feel like there is just so much to do and not much time to pull it all together. My biggest consern is that I need a DJ for the wedding and many are booking up quickly. I hope I can find one!
I must get back to my housewife life and get laundry folded and put away, things are so much easier when the girls are napping!!
Love
T
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
So Simply Complex...
Life is always a surprise, if it wasn't what would be the point. Tonight I am sitting in the basement of my house and staring out the window high above me. Basements tend to creep me out as if demons and ghosts and monsters dwell in such places.
I cleaned this room tonight. It is an office/ children's playroom so you can imagine the mess. I cleaned and pondered life as I do whenever a mindless task needs to be completed. I thought of the past and of the future and of life in between.
Today is my fiance's 27th birthday and for some reason to me 27 seems like such a big number. I am 23 and at times that astounds me. How did I get here? I remember back in my youth I always imagined my 20's as soome exotic unreachable destination. I feel wise beyond my years in ways.
I have nothing to say tonight. I am typing hoping that I will come up with something worth typing but nothing tonight.
I do have things that are bothering me that conserns family but I don't think it would be smart of me to talk about such things here. You never know who might be on the other side of the screen. All I will say is that I feel an apology is owed and I know because of the "values" of this person that one will not be granted. Things were said that should not have been said and yes actions were taking that should not have been, but in the end this all needs to come to an end. Family is supposed to think beyond and try to solve problems, not make them harder. For once, and I stand by him 100% David is NOT backing down because of being guilted into it. The situation was childish and all because of a simple miscommunication. Enough Said.
I cleaned this room tonight. It is an office/ children's playroom so you can imagine the mess. I cleaned and pondered life as I do whenever a mindless task needs to be completed. I thought of the past and of the future and of life in between.
Today is my fiance's 27th birthday and for some reason to me 27 seems like such a big number. I am 23 and at times that astounds me. How did I get here? I remember back in my youth I always imagined my 20's as soome exotic unreachable destination. I feel wise beyond my years in ways.
I have nothing to say tonight. I am typing hoping that I will come up with something worth typing but nothing tonight.
I do have things that are bothering me that conserns family but I don't think it would be smart of me to talk about such things here. You never know who might be on the other side of the screen. All I will say is that I feel an apology is owed and I know because of the "values" of this person that one will not be granted. Things were said that should not have been said and yes actions were taking that should not have been, but in the end this all needs to come to an end. Family is supposed to think beyond and try to solve problems, not make them harder. For once, and I stand by him 100% David is NOT backing down because of being guilted into it. The situation was childish and all because of a simple miscommunication. Enough Said.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Mommy Me! <3
I have never lost sight of the fact that my life is amasing, but sometime the view is foggy... but tonight it is nice and clear. I have two wonderful baby girls. Today Sara (my two and a half year old) painted together for the first time. She and I both loved it! Yes it was messy but it isn't fun unless it is messy. I stopped and looked at her little face all covered in paint and I felt like I was glowing. There is this feeling that comes with motherhood, it is undescribable. It is like a higher type of love that surpasses anything.
My youngest, Makayla is 4 months and she can not roll from front to back and from back to front. She is getting so big already and it makes me both happy and sad. She is a relly happy baby most of the time unless there is something she wants and mommy or daddy can't figure out what it is.
I have choosen a path that a lot of people haven't. I am 23 years old and I already have 2 children. The thing that makes this right for me is I am happy. I love this life and I feel full. I never knew there was this type of joy. When my girls laugh I feel like my heart is going to explode with love. Sure there are times when it is all I can do not to scream but no road is ever completely easy or else what would be the point. The smiling faces of my children and fiance are the most precious things in the world to me and I don't know how I would cope with out them.
I feel like the time when I was single and living at home was a life time ago. Things back then were not great for me and there are things in my past that pain me to think about. I lived a very protected life. My mother was battling things that I didn't know about and this made her seem harsh at times and there are events that are still vivid in my mind in negetive ways. I do feel like I am lacking in some ways do to my sheltered life. I have never been on my own. I went straight from my mother's house and into my comitted relationship with my fiance. I have never done drugs of any kind and this is something that at one time I was afraid to admit because I felt it somehow made me week or weird. I know nothing of the world of people that have struggled with addiction and that is something that I am very proud of. There are good things with being so protected, things like never having to worry about things like STD's because of randomn sex, never being in a situation that I didn't want to be and never having to worry about never finding someone to share my life with. It is like it has all been handed to me so there are definatly more good things than bad. I just worry about the future...am I going to be able to relate to my children or even give advice when I haven't been in this situations. I have a hard time just giving my friends relationship advice because I have never had to make the choices that they have had to make. I was lucky. I moved in with my fiance after only knowing him for three months and it worked out. I had actually found the man that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I look back and I think maybe I was foolish but sometimes foolish decisions take you in the right direction.
I thank god almost every day for the blessing that I have. I am not a religious person but I feel like my luck is a result of something beyond my understanding. I thank him for showing me unmovable love and affection and for my girls that keep my heart filled and my head strong.
Thank you god for....everything
My youngest, Makayla is 4 months and she can not roll from front to back and from back to front. She is getting so big already and it makes me both happy and sad. She is a relly happy baby most of the time unless there is something she wants and mommy or daddy can't figure out what it is.
I have choosen a path that a lot of people haven't. I am 23 years old and I already have 2 children. The thing that makes this right for me is I am happy. I love this life and I feel full. I never knew there was this type of joy. When my girls laugh I feel like my heart is going to explode with love. Sure there are times when it is all I can do not to scream but no road is ever completely easy or else what would be the point. The smiling faces of my children and fiance are the most precious things in the world to me and I don't know how I would cope with out them.
I feel like the time when I was single and living at home was a life time ago. Things back then were not great for me and there are things in my past that pain me to think about. I lived a very protected life. My mother was battling things that I didn't know about and this made her seem harsh at times and there are events that are still vivid in my mind in negetive ways. I do feel like I am lacking in some ways do to my sheltered life. I have never been on my own. I went straight from my mother's house and into my comitted relationship with my fiance. I have never done drugs of any kind and this is something that at one time I was afraid to admit because I felt it somehow made me week or weird. I know nothing of the world of people that have struggled with addiction and that is something that I am very proud of. There are good things with being so protected, things like never having to worry about things like STD's because of randomn sex, never being in a situation that I didn't want to be and never having to worry about never finding someone to share my life with. It is like it has all been handed to me so there are definatly more good things than bad. I just worry about the future...am I going to be able to relate to my children or even give advice when I haven't been in this situations. I have a hard time just giving my friends relationship advice because I have never had to make the choices that they have had to make. I was lucky. I moved in with my fiance after only knowing him for three months and it worked out. I had actually found the man that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I look back and I think maybe I was foolish but sometimes foolish decisions take you in the right direction.
I thank god almost every day for the blessing that I have. I am not a religious person but I feel like my luck is a result of something beyond my understanding. I thank him for showing me unmovable love and affection and for my girls that keep my heart filled and my head strong.
Thank you god for....everything
Friday, May 8, 2009
Oh to be a Firefly....
My mind is strange tonight. I honestly can't tell what I am feeling. My head is strangled with thoughts of happy things, of love, of hope and joy...but there is another feeling of saddness and panic and sorrow.
Someone very close to me is ill, but no one can tell us yet with what. Not many people know about what this person is going through so I will not make it outright here but just know this...it isn't good. I am scared, I know I will fall apart without this person. I will be forced to be a grown up. I know this sounds odd since I am a mother of two and deeply thought of as an adult. But having children has a way of making you feel young and untouchable. Dead and sickness force you to be....older. I am in tears with worry and I can't talk to anyone about it because this is what this person wishes for. There are other people that will be deeply affected by the news and worry is not the desire. I am trying so so so hard to be strong and positive but this diease is affecting one of the people that helps me to be strong. I am crumbling much the way an old building does of time. One day I will just collapse in a fit of emotion and pray that no one is in the destruction.
How can I smile and be happy and plan a wedding when someone I love is in both emotional and physical pain. She has been given no answers, has taken so many tests and has yet to get an appointment for a specialist. How can a person be allowed to live in such limbo. So many things cross my mind...what if because everything is taking so long to figure out by the time something is determined that it is too late. What if she dies? Tears and rage fill me because there is NOTHING I can do!!! I sit and I stare and I talk to her about everything just to fill up the quiet spaces because in those spaces the worry dwells. I atleast need a name of a diease so I can direct my anger and freight....how can this be happing.......
What do I do
There is a person that should care to know about this and in a different family that person would be there to help me get through it and be scared and worried himself. That person doesn't know because I don't think that person would care and that would tear a whole in my heart and in the heart of the sick one. I am angry at him because he SHOULD care..............after everything he should see that the past doesn't matter.....life...the future...that matters and is important.....
Just the thought of him has turned me to rage! I hate him... I will admit that. But not because of the past but because he never let the past die and for that there has been suffering that he has never ever understood. I hate him I hate him I hate him I have never hated anyone....but I hate him.........
I can't walk away from the screen with this anger. I have a family to care for and be there for and I do not need some worthless piece of shit to control my emotion when he doesn't even know he is.
As I said above...I don't know what to feel....I wish I could close my eyes and then open them and everything would be better...Fairy tales and Day dreams do come true but I have never seen this demon be defeated in any book.
Someone very close to me is ill, but no one can tell us yet with what. Not many people know about what this person is going through so I will not make it outright here but just know this...it isn't good. I am scared, I know I will fall apart without this person. I will be forced to be a grown up. I know this sounds odd since I am a mother of two and deeply thought of as an adult. But having children has a way of making you feel young and untouchable. Dead and sickness force you to be....older. I am in tears with worry and I can't talk to anyone about it because this is what this person wishes for. There are other people that will be deeply affected by the news and worry is not the desire. I am trying so so so hard to be strong and positive but this diease is affecting one of the people that helps me to be strong. I am crumbling much the way an old building does of time. One day I will just collapse in a fit of emotion and pray that no one is in the destruction.
How can I smile and be happy and plan a wedding when someone I love is in both emotional and physical pain. She has been given no answers, has taken so many tests and has yet to get an appointment for a specialist. How can a person be allowed to live in such limbo. So many things cross my mind...what if because everything is taking so long to figure out by the time something is determined that it is too late. What if she dies? Tears and rage fill me because there is NOTHING I can do!!! I sit and I stare and I talk to her about everything just to fill up the quiet spaces because in those spaces the worry dwells. I atleast need a name of a diease so I can direct my anger and freight....how can this be happing.......
What do I do
There is a person that should care to know about this and in a different family that person would be there to help me get through it and be scared and worried himself. That person doesn't know because I don't think that person would care and that would tear a whole in my heart and in the heart of the sick one. I am angry at him because he SHOULD care..............after everything he should see that the past doesn't matter.....life...the future...that matters and is important.....
Just the thought of him has turned me to rage! I hate him... I will admit that. But not because of the past but because he never let the past die and for that there has been suffering that he has never ever understood. I hate him I hate him I hate him I have never hated anyone....but I hate him.........
I can't walk away from the screen with this anger. I have a family to care for and be there for and I do not need some worthless piece of shit to control my emotion when he doesn't even know he is.
As I said above...I don't know what to feel....I wish I could close my eyes and then open them and everything would be better...Fairy tales and Day dreams do come true but I have never seen this demon be defeated in any book.
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