Happiness

Where is my mind...

Today has been stressful, hectic, annoying and almost unbearable... but I survived.
I came home, my babies were fussy, grumpy...even my cat seemed to be mad at me....just not a good day. Now....I just throw up on the floor.....thanks Van Wilder...that made my night...
So here I sit
16 weeks pregnant..and worried about everything. Everyday I am hanging on by a tiny string and I a worried that it is going to snap as soon as this baby is born. Next winter is going to be evil hell and no matter how hard I try to focus on now, on the positive, all the negetive pops up it's ugly head and am forced to view reality. How am I going to do this. I feel so over welmed now because f everything in my life, how are things going to be after there is more stress.
I hate my job...I truely do. I never thought it would come to this but i don't want to be there anymore. Once it was a happy place where work was hard but usually had a purpose...not now....ever day feels like one step closer to...disaster. I just want to be done, I want to be in control.....I want this stage in my life to be over. Today I realised something.....I still have the mentally of a child...I am stagnant, I am not getting anywhere and I never will and there is nothing I can do about it.
Money locks me in this tiny little world and it doesn't care...it twists and turns and laughs as it looks at me with disgust. I am defeated....but...oh well...sorrow only drowns those that fall in the water...

On work time..

Life punches, it kicks and it scratches...but somehow no scars are ever left. Problems come and go and still somehow...we survive.
Emotionally I am a roller a coster with no destination just a whole lot of screaming. I can be fine and then crying and then fine again all in a half hour and if you aren't ready for that challenge than you need to step aside because I can't control it.
I am in a hole in every side of the word, but the depth changes depending on the day.
Today, as of this momment I am in love with my husband. I know saying that the way I did makes it a person wonder what I mean. It is not that I ever fall out of live with him but sometimes it feels as if a screen on filter is put in between us and we have to figure out a way to get through to even see each other let alone understand one another. Life has been stressful, complicated and a mess but finally as of this momment it seems to be getting back on track.
We have moved and the house weare in is livable but it is far from amasing. we are making do right now and doing what we have to stay as strong as we can.
Once and a while, more lately than ever a find myself turning around and wondering how I got to where I am. I have grown up and relized that "perfect" doesn't exist...well at least not for me. I have what I have and do what I do because I have to. It is hard, it is ugly....but...it is...life.

I am pregnant, the world of my blog and the world off the page all know this now but my mind doesn't. My body certainly feels it with every streach, turn and movement. I am about 15 weeks and I am starting to feel the little feelings that over the years I have come to known as baby. On the 23rd I have my next doctor's appointment and I pray that a heartbeat (at least one) is heard. I know I haven't been doing all the things that I should be doing to ensure my baby is healthy and strong and growning right. I am pushing myself too far, trying to do the impossible and trying to meet unreasonable expectations. I am tired always, I never feel quite right and after months of this it started to weigh down the mind. I am trying hard, so hard to be positive and strong but it is not always happening. My baby is roughly the size of a lemon now.....my little lemon baby, what will you be?! I can't wait to meet you!

I Just.....know...

The world is full of beautiful, magical things...of connections known not by sight but by a new meaning of embrace. Tonight as I sat alone in a house full of quiet, I found my self lost in thought. I find losing myself in thought is the only way for me to truly relax. I miss so much in a day, so many signs, omens one might say, and when I look back and think I see them clear as day.

Lately I have been lost in chaos, which is the most horrorifying type of delusion. Nothing in my life has gone the way it should, gone easily or even progressed slightly. I am taking a step in the wrong direction, hoping it is for the greater good. I believe strongly in signs...in odd little coindences or feelings that general mean nothing...yet they mean everything.

On my ponder tonight I found out something, a connection that I had always missed. A friend, a very close friend that would have been in my life no matter which path I chose earilier in life. See, I believe in destiny...but in a different sense than most. I believe destiny to be a changing life force that doesn't decide what choices we make but ultimatly shows us the right path to take. This friend of mine is someone that I know I have been very close to in another life. I can't remember if I have explained this in here before but I believe that on the day that our soul is created we are bounded through out all of time with other people who's sould were born around the same time. I believe the roles change, one life the mother, the next the child, after than the sister, but all in all the same souls are attracted to the same souls throughout life times. Earily in lifeI had a choice to make and I chose a path based on a friend's feelings and that took me in a different direction and led me to where I am today...and this person is connected to me. I have resently discovered if I have made a different chose and not considered a friend's feelings that I could very well be on a very different path...but this friend would still be a big part of my life because of other mutal conections. To put it all on paper it sounds odd, it is hard to describe,but to me this is means something of great important...this person is in my life for some really big reason!
I haven't been around this person as much as I would like to be.....maybe I need to be around her more, destiny has prescribed it for a reason....
Maybe she needs my friendship asmuch as I need her.
I don't believe any sign is false, or wrong.....
I feel as if I have made a revelation today...lets see where this leds!

I am hiding
Everyday I go through the same thoughtless process and plan, hoping to achieve....anything. But I don't. I feel like everything I am doing means nothing, is unimportant and in the long run a waste of time. Maybe it is because of this feeling of empending change, of something big that will finally have the rest of the world seeing what I see. Everyday, struggling and never ever being able to tak a full breath is not what the human race is meant to be doing. We are all struggling trying to fit into a puzzle that we are not designed to fit. Everything is about the bottom line , keeping up, being popular.....being.....accepted because what is the point if we are not. I hate the way the world is...the tension, the pain, the suffering, the struggling, the crying, the tears. I just want to wipe it all away and start fresh....will it ever happen.

Playing chicken with the hormone freight train...

I am pregnant, it is clearly so
I am tired, cranky, bitchy, and all I want to do is cry.
So.....

All of this doesn't matter.....or the fact that I am currently creating a human being....or two....
People suck...most of them.....and more so when I am pregnant. I have been told everything from "suck it up" "you wanted this" to things that are going to purposely make me cry. "I am surprised you and your husband are still together, you don't look happy."
Ok
So yes my husband can be lazy, unproductive, unhelpful, disrespectful and just plain a pain in the ass but I love him. I get it, he doesn't do the things I need him to do....my house is a mess and he refuses to help clean it even though I work 40 hours a week, bathe both children, cook dinner, put both children to bed, do the dishes and the laundry....oh and I am pregnant.... and he....well he works 30 hours a week and...plays video games, changes diapers, thinks cherrios is a well rounded meal and....watches movies. Obviously our family life is flawed... I know this...I know I do way too much and he does way too little..... and I would love love love love some help....but I know that will never happen.
I have given up thinking that my husband will ever put me or the children before his video games, I am through preteneding that when I am working that he is doing everything in his power to makes sure the children are getting a good start in life. I know that he will never be the person that does what a father is expected to do.....
But
what are my options?
I stay with the man I love and feel happy about our relationship at least dispite everything. Or I somehow find a way to be a single mother with 3 or 4 kids......oth are too hard to imagine but I know I am in the best situation I can possibly be in right now. It is hard to explain to someone that is on the outside looking in. I hate the way things are, but I love the man I am with...
I worry though, am I making the best decision staying with my husband in the matter of my children. Obviously I want them to be with there father....and he is not abusive, they are not living in total desaster....he is still making sure they are relatively safe...he is just not stimulating him...
I don't even really know what I am writing in here for...I know nothing will ever change and I will be over worked and tired until my children are grown and on there own.....Living the single parent life in a two parent home

Two in a day

There is no law that says I can't write nothing in here twice in one day so I am doing it. Even if there was a law, I would break it.
I am sitting here, awake, because in one hour I will have to get David up for work. I have debated bed but thought the better of it because of the stairs. How lazy is that, I don't want to go to bed because it will mean having to do the stairs three times instead of one. I know, I am pathetic.
It turns out that I have no idea what to even write in here tonight. This blank page is yearning for me to fill it with words and thoughts to pervoke other thoughts and words but all that comes to mind is this......when you buy laundry detergent, make sure it is detergent and not liquid fabric softener.....I now can't do any more laundry until tomorrow....and that have pissed me off.
I haven't really talked about my life as a mother lately and maybe it is time for a blog about my girls.
Sara is growing like a weed and is as defiant as one. I am having trouble finding ways to get her to behave. Overall she is a polite and respectful little girl, but there are times when her demon side comes out, apparently it prefers bedtimes. Tonight I took every single book and toy out of her room and I put her dresser in front of her closest so that she would get the hint that I am not putting up with the 2 hour bedtime battle anymore. I know she is acting out because of lack of stimulation and outside time but lately it has been so cold that having her outthere even all bundled up would result in a cold. I am off this friday and the weather is supposed to be nice, I am hoping that I can take her out into the backyard and the two of us can play, I know she is longing for some mommy time.
Makayla is on the verge of walking on her own, she will be a one year old on Saturday and I am so excited for her birthday party on Sunday. She is getting so big and is so cute. She loves to be held and cuddled andgives great kisses and hugs, if you don't mind a little slobber. Her attitude lately has been laid back and easy, most of the time. Lately feeding her has posed to be the hardest task. She no longer wants baby foods and will only eat things shecan feedherself. This is posing to be a messy transition.
I love that the girls are best friends and I am cherishing this right now because I know in the future that it might not always be this way.
The little l line on the computer is flashing at me as if to say "please, keep typing, don't stop..." But I must...I am tired...good night world

The Mommy is IN

Sara is sick, she is a grumpy suck and I love it. This is the only time I get to really snuggle with her anymore. She is so independant already that sometimes it makes me sad. I am home from work today because of her sickness and my lack of sleep due to it.

It is so odd for me to not be able to fully disclose my thoughts in here but right now it just isn't right. So much is affected by somethings that I need to keep to myself at the momment.

Things are going to be changing greatly for us in the coming months. We are moving to a new home in Wasaga. I am really excited about this. The condo has 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. I am really excited about the 2 hot tubs and the wood fireplace. It should make those cold nights a little more bearable. The condo is smaller than what we are used to but I think it will stil fit us well. There is going to be a lot to do, our move in date is on March 12. I know I will still be scrambling to get all the packing done even though I have a ton of time to get it done. The good thing is there is already a lot of furniture there so there are somethings that we can leave here.

New

This is a new start in a sense and an old route in a way. My mind is mellow on a topic that many would find complex, but to me it a way of life and a way of survival. I speak in terms of life as if it were a thing not yet created until birth, but it is much more than this. I am writing to someone that very few know of and even lesser know. This person is more important than it is precieved and very soon my entire world will know of this person's existance.
For the life of me I can not remember a time when my life was simple and planned. Every movement of mine is not calculated, studied or even though out. All actions happen at randomn and then fade away as fast as they emerged. But there is comfort in this. There is a beauty that allows life to flow freely from my finger tips as though my mind is posessed. I am still gasping in the newness of life. Gasping at the endless wonders that allow me to believe that more exists out there.
I came to a revelation today while going about my life and work. This revelation is that humans are missing a sense that all other animals have. We have lost a connection to our planet, to our world. Everything would be different if we could feel the hurt that we are causing our Earth. We live on top of the earth, imagining that we are not connected to it and that we cannot be incontrol, but we are.
Did humans have this sense? Was it replaced with greed and the need to always have more? I almost feel trapped now as I speak by lacking of this sense. I feel boxed in as if I am disabled by my lack of connection with the planet. I am missing something. Do other feel this way too. All importance is placed on money, possesions, things..... when did life, love, connection become unimportant?