Just my mind....

Sometimes a colour can inspire a mood, a train of thought or just a reaction. I guess that is my ambition for this colour. I was full of energy and spunk like this colour a few hours ago, but as the night has worn on my mood has muted and my thoughts have sprung out from the dark, but are still clouded in camaflage.
Where am I tonight. Christmas has past and I now in a state of comfort because I get to reclaim normalness. I always feel like the holidays climb until they reach a fevered pitch that is Christmas day. I found the spirit this year, but I am also weary now that the spirit will now fade and stone cold winter blues will engulf humanity. I have much to focus on to keep my mind from closing completely, but sometimes it all seems over welming and pointless.
I am feeling lost again. Holiday pictures have shocked me into seeing myself in way that don't appeal. I am huge. I am gaining and I am not comfortable. I sit now at a weight I told myslef I would never reach, yet I have and I hate it...yet still chocolate wraps surround my desk. I need an off switch. I need....at this point I don't even know what will mean enough to me to stop getting crap that I know is not benficial in anyway except to fill a mommentary void before the dread and self loathing sets in.
Mentally I am all over the playing feild right now. I am not taking my antidepressants as I should do to the fact that money is limited and Christmas did cometh. I am not pleasant at the momment to put it nicely and when I say that I mean in every way possible. I am grumpy, spiteful, angery and other things not meant for sharing. My mind is on a path that can only lead to self destruction....but my mind has convinced itself that this path it is on is one of self discovery and that I should embrace my new found status.
On to a branch now....
I feel sexy, which yes contradicts the feels of fat, ugliness...but it is there none the less. I don't feel beautiful. I think of sexy as more of feeling of power, drive..... I don't think I am sexy to others, in fact I know I am not but I still feel sexy to me.

Family....really

There is a saying that Friends are the Family that you chose yourself and I believe that to be one of the truest statements in the world. I am not a person that has many acquantances but I have people that I keep close to my heart, a select few. This people share strengths, momments of weakness, momments of joy, momments of life and every momment in between. If you mess with one of us your are messing with us all.
I have this. I have a strong bond with a group of ladies that I am proud to call my family. We share a bond that is thicker than blood and we are sisters in the deepest sense of the word. I keep these ladies close to my heart. We all have strengths and we all have shortcomings and we lean on each other and together we are strong, fearless and capable. I have never felt a bond like this in my life, I feel like I belong. We are all very different, but in that difference we become one. We share and together we are whole.
Tonight I laughed, smiled and breathed with my ladies. The night was not one of the best because of outside forces but the company made it a great night. I hope this ladies know just how much they mean to me and how close I feel to them because with them by myside I feel like I am more. I am lucky to have them.
I have my girls, my husband, my family and the people I am related to....... Thank you for it all!

Mindful Wonderings

I am not a woman of religion because as I think I have said in here before I am not a woman who believes in religion. Religion seperates, seagrates and affects people judgements as far as their own actions are conserned. I do however believe in a power, or a god that created us and is there for us in times of need. For me he is someone to talk to, to thank and to believe in, he is someone I can turn to in times of need and he is someone I can ask for help from. To me he is a friend, a true friend. I believe this because I can feel his presence, not because I am told to believe from other sources in my life. I believe because I choice to believe.
I think at this time of year it is almost impossible not to feel the magic and the warm that wraps around you like a blanket. There is this...sparkle to the world that in a way lets everyone know that everything is going to be ok. The only way to see it though is to step away from the stores, and the toys and the presents and the money and really look with un-clouded eyes. Only then will you be able to see joy, peace and happiness.
It feels to me like the world is coming out of a fog. We have been in dark troubled times for so long and now the magic is finally seeping through and re-building some of what life used to be and what it is turning into. I don't know if it Christmas that is awaking the world from slumber or is it the relization that it is fianlly time for us to emerge into a new and glorious world. To me it feels like the world is hatching as if a bird from an egg...but the world is still new and it still must be cautious of the new life that beats within it.
Sometimes it feels like there is so much in the world that I will never ever understand. I can't understand how there are millionaires and billionaires and yet children die every day from hunger. I don't understand people that have everything wanting more. I don't understand how a person's mentality can allow them to be so greedy and yet so many people have nothing and no way of getting out of where they are. My heart hurts in mourning for some much being lost because of greed. Are there good people out there anymore? People that would give everything they have to make someone else's life just a little bit better. People without agendas, gossip, motives, or drama...people would just want the world to be a better place. Is there a place where wanting and having hope isn't rediculed. I hope so.
Right now I sit here and I am mouring because I know there is someone out there hurting in way that I have never experienced and there is nothing I can do and there are people out there that could do so much but won't. How can this happen?
My heart is heavy tonight and I pray with every cell in my body that tonight someone will help someone else. That everyone will do something for another human being. I pray that the world will one day make sense to me and everyone that needs something, will get it. I am praying for love, life and peace. Please pray with me.

Greatness

Change.....is an awe inspiring thing and it always seems to sneak in the back door when you least expect it to. I am in the midst of change...but I have no idea what I am changing into.
I have more determination than I have had in a long time...determination to do things the right way, not just to get them over with. This appilies to as many aspects of my life as I can get it to. Work, home, with the kids....with David.
I am starting to feel full of life, the way I used to in some ways and in a totally new way in others. I can deal with problems, manage myself and be strong in everything I do. I can take pride in myself and shine every single time I take a step. I am more than I have ever been.
I am working again with Sunshine and I am really enjoying it. I have take a new approach the includes positivity and pride in my work. I am doing things and staying on track and completing tasks. I don't feel like I am running around in circles and getting nothing done. I am focused and I am prepping myself for success.
With all this being said, there is still a gap in my mental personna. I can't describe how I am feeling really but it feels like a part of me is...lacking...missing or just not all together. I don't know how to correct this feeling and I wonder if it has to do with my wanting another child. Maybe because my family is not complete that my mind can't be complete. I don't know.....I just feel....unfinished. I have decided that currently I will put this energy into bettering myself through my work place and try to fill this void.
David and I are doing so well lately. I feel happy and in love with him on a level that we have never managed to get to. He is the father that I have wanted him to be and the husband that I have needed him to be. I love him with every part of me and now, that isn't scary. I know he is my soul mate and I see our future as clear and bright as the next day. Hardships come and they pass, and this one finally has.
Christmas is almost here and despite my hate for winter I am feeling in the holiday spirit. The snow blowing, lights twinkling and our babies running around the house has made my spirit come alive. I love everything that I have and I am so thankful for my life and love. I have something that is so hard to find and a family life that is almost extinct in our walks of life. I have just what I am meant to have and I am blissfully happy in my surroundings.

Conversations with God

I like to think of this journal as a conversation with God. I am not a religious person, I mean I am spirtual, I believe in God but I don't believe in church. God is everything and anything and I don't think solely honouring him in a closed in stuffy building makes you a religious person. God is in love, in bugs, in fresh air, in a baby's cry in and in a child's laugh. Sitting around singing songs that don't include life outside the church's doors in not a means of redemption.

All this being said, last night while in my bed I had a conversation with God. I thanked him for my life, for David and his caring ways, for my girls and the joy of watching them grow. I thanked him for having a roof over our heads and food in the cupboard. I thanked him so much for always giving me enough to get through every situation. God keeps me grounded and focused onthe big picture and not worrying about the little things that don't matter, the superficial things that takeup more time than they are worth.

I also prayed for strenght. I am going back to work in a month and I need to have the strenght to get through the day being away from my babies. I am going to miss them so much. I need to be strong and do what I have to for my family. I love being home and I am a little sad that I have kind of taken it for granted and not done as much with my time as I could have. I am so lucky that I had the time to connect with my girls and now it is time for them to start to depend on themselves and theire father a little more.

Life is just beautiful right now. Yes, there are struggles but what would life be without them. I have everything I need and David and I are stronger than ever. I go my head sorted out a little and yes we had some big fights but honestly we needed to get things out to get over them.

Now off I go to play with my babygirl! I am going to make them most of the days I have left and play play play my days away!

Down a dark and scary road...

Life, like most things, is a cycle and everything always comes back to the beginning one way or another. I think sometimes though you have to convince things to move in the direction they were meant to.
Lately there have been probelm with my relationship with David, problem that have been addressed more than once but have never had any closure and thus commited us to our first major fight as a married couple. Things got bad, worse then they ever have but.....we both bent...and we are stil strong, if not stronger than ever. I love David with all my heart and some days he is my saviour and hero and other days, unfortunatly, we fight and have problems. We are human and fighting reminds us that we are both not prefect and that thoughts need to be communicated and figured out rather than ignored.
As for myself, I am reaching a new stage in my life and I can feel it on a much larger scale than I relised. I am looking for self satisfaction and happiness. I am trying to find myself more and more and I am determined to avoid falling in to a rut. I want to learn and discover more and new things about myself. New is scary but I think it is time that it happened. I can't handle just going through one day to the next never looking up and breathing. Winter is coming and I tend to close myself in and bury my head but this year I want to embrace every momment I can. I am getting stronger and I am defining myself more as I go on.
I struggle, in my head, about the directions that I want to take in life. I don't have regrets about the paths I have taken but I do wish I had more education. Something I never would have thought I would type. After all the craziness surrounding my life stops I want to take some kind of school and have a higher understanding of something more than understanding toddler babble. I am forever wishing that I had topics I could discuss with other people that they would want to hear about and not only about how much snot I pulled out of my baby's nose today.
I am trying to discover hidden talents and prefect the ones that I already know about. I have started making braclettes again and I am hoping to sell some of them on-line and see what direction that takes me off into. I am not expecting them to be a life altering success but it would feel good to make something that someone else deems good enough to buy and wear.
I will be making more braclettes after I get off this computer as it seems it is not the excape that it once was for me. I am finding that even on facebook and MSN that I am no longer getting a connection with anybody, not even those I was most close to. I am afraid I am shutting doors on some people but then again maybe it is them shutting the doors on me.

December 21 2012

This date is on my mind, it is said to be the end of life as we know it according to anicient Mayan culture and other sources many with scientific proof and predictions.
I am one of the believers that something is going to happen. I don't think it will end all human life but I do think that it will greatly lessen the population and that it will stop all technology from working. Technology has enabled us to stop being connected to the Earth, we thrive in basements, as I am now, typing worlds on to a screen. In truth it gets our words out there but after typing them they are....forgotten.

People need nature, and I am not talking about the nature found in your skin cream. I am talking about going outside, connection with your surroundings, actually feeling the grass, smelling the leaves and being human. Too many of us believe that life will come to us and that life is material things. We have turned off our consciencness and I for one want it back. I want to rely on instinct, improvise to make things better instead of running to the store to buy something to make it all better. I want a world where I can feel good about what I have done in a day and not be lazied by the ease of life. I want to be alive.

I think in some of us it is just like we have woken up for the first time. I think on Dec 21 2012 more people will wake up, ther brains will be shooked into existing and not just maintaning.
I may sound to some like a crazy person standing on the street corner telling all to fear the end but I am not...I don't think fear is the answer, I think fufillment is the answer.

Life right now is too easy and yet there are still people that find it hard, the funny thing is that in its ease it has stopped people from having insticts and having to fight to survive. Right now they can blame anything for their failure...and they only allow themselves to be rewarded for success.

All people need to be one with all the other people on the planet, that is the only way that we are ever really going to be whole. Wars fought over religion will not progress our culture, will not show others that we were here and that we were smart, and beautiful and that we were a people to be admired. I admire the Mayan culture for having the balls to be more than a people that sat around and let life just pass. They had imagination, determination, strenght, pride and they had brains. I think their culture is one to be respected and in my opinion if they say something big is going to happen then we need to listen and take notice and prepare. We can't prepare for what we can't know is coming but we can be open to suggestions and listen to our surroundings. We need to find it in ourselves that power to be human.... embrace instinct and be strong enough to survive more than just our work week.