He has been nothing but an ass, nothing at all. We haven't really talked, he isn't really there. Just a name in my contacts list, but in my mind he is more. I don't get it, why can't I get over him. Brain...why...what the fuck is wrong with you. I have a great life, everything is in line the way it is supposed to be. I love what I have and I have a ton more than I would have with the one stuck in my brain...so why. I hate this. I want to delete him, I want that to be ok in my mind and I don't want to go back again and add him....stupid stupid stupid little girl. He doesn't even care about you...fuck off...he doesn't care at all about you. His life does not revolve around me....he doesn't care if he talks to me. Actually he is probably wishing I would just stop being a rediculus whiny little baby and move on to my big girl pants.
F
U
C
K
O
F
F
He says words....to make you feel like this....
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Hurt
It is funny how words can fester and thorns can tear apart people as if paper. I have been hurt deeply by the man I love and he did it unintentionallly but it hurt a lot. A few months ago he told me that "even though I am not phsyically atrractive anymore that he still loves me for everything else" Worst line ever and I don't think I will recover from those words. Last night well looking at pictures he said "hmmm...you don't look bad there" referring to one of the pictures and I took it as an insult, which I know it really wasn't meant to be that way, but I felt like shit after he said it. Since then I have been crying. I have been bawling my eyes out like a baby and all I want is for him to hold me and he won't. He is supposed to make this all better. He is supposed to wipe my tears away....He is supposed to be on my side....but it feels like he is causing my pain.
I don't think he loves me anymore....he would rather someone else....eventually he is going to see this....and I am going to die. Maybe I should just get it over with.
I don't think he loves me anymore....he would rather someone else....eventually he is going to see this....and I am going to die. Maybe I should just get it over with.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Just.....mom
Uneventful
Today I was mom, not that I am not mom every day but some days I play the part more than others and today was simply about wiping butts and noses and getting hugs and cuddles. I am amazed every day at the little people my kids are becoming and how much I influence them.
The stuff that comes out of their mouths sometimes shocks and amazes me in ways I could never have understood until they got to this stage.
Other news.....there is none.
In a few weeks I am going oeut to a staff party in TO that will involve a lot of drinking, a lot of dancing, a ton of craziness and a club. I am looking forward to it but I must say I am slightly worried about it too. I know myself, I know my level of control and I love all the people I am going to be with but I am going to be in a new element. This is going to be a major stress reliever and a huge self esteem boast and path to personal discovery.
Tonight is boring, sorry mystery mind for the uneventful post, but this has to happen once and a while.
Today I was mom, not that I am not mom every day but some days I play the part more than others and today was simply about wiping butts and noses and getting hugs and cuddles. I am amazed every day at the little people my kids are becoming and how much I influence them.
The stuff that comes out of their mouths sometimes shocks and amazes me in ways I could never have understood until they got to this stage.
Other news.....there is none.
In a few weeks I am going oeut to a staff party in TO that will involve a lot of drinking, a lot of dancing, a ton of craziness and a club. I am looking forward to it but I must say I am slightly worried about it too. I know myself, I know my level of control and I love all the people I am going to be with but I am going to be in a new element. This is going to be a major stress reliever and a huge self esteem boast and path to personal discovery.
Tonight is boring, sorry mystery mind for the uneventful post, but this has to happen once and a while.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Night
Deep.
That is the way it is, and the way it has to be . I and the way it is going to be. I am simply steaming with antipation of this evening's planned activities. I am practically pulsing with antipation.
I look, a knowing stare, while the tip of my finger dances along the edge of my black strapless dress. I move my legs a little allowing the hem of my gown to inch past my knee. My toes slowly move along the fabric of the couch in a slow method that attempts to distract my brain from the one all consuming thought. I monitor my breathing, too quickly would give away the fact that I am ready to pounce, but not breathing at all is not an option.
My shoulders turn secducively in a manner to attract. Every inch of my body beats in time with this desire. The time is soon.
That is the way it is, and the way it has to be . I and the way it is going to be. I am simply steaming with antipation of this evening's planned activities. I am practically pulsing with antipation.
I look, a knowing stare, while the tip of my finger dances along the edge of my black strapless dress. I move my legs a little allowing the hem of my gown to inch past my knee. My toes slowly move along the fabric of the couch in a slow method that attempts to distract my brain from the one all consuming thought. I monitor my breathing, too quickly would give away the fact that I am ready to pounce, but not breathing at all is not an option.
My shoulders turn secducively in a manner to attract. Every inch of my body beats in time with this desire. The time is soon.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Think tank
Simply put tonight is about nothing.
In fact staring at the I and being wordless is a hard thing to understand. I am not sure even what the point of apenng thing page was.
Where am I at right now? I am moving through life in a happy state. I am everything I currently need. I am feelwing good and I finally feel like life has a new beginning. A purpose in a sense. I am going back to work soon and I am going to put 100% into and make this something this time. I am not going to let the words of other deter me from my path to make something more of myself. I am done having babies and I am moving on to a new chapter of my life. I am moving in a new direction and i am going to be a success in more methods than the laundry. I am failing at housework...i hate house work....actually I don't mind housework but it is impossible to accomplish with the kids driving me crazy and life countinously ticking away with no pause. Some how every day starts at 8, and I blink and it is 3, blink again and it is 6 and my day is almost done. In the way of the house I am getting nothfing done.
In fact staring at the I and being wordless is a hard thing to understand. I am not sure even what the point of apenng thing page was.
Where am I at right now? I am moving through life in a happy state. I am everything I currently need. I am feelwing good and I finally feel like life has a new beginning. A purpose in a sense. I am going back to work soon and I am going to put 100% into and make this something this time. I am not going to let the words of other deter me from my path to make something more of myself. I am done having babies and I am moving on to a new chapter of my life. I am moving in a new direction and i am going to be a success in more methods than the laundry. I am failing at housework...i hate house work....actually I don't mind housework but it is impossible to accomplish with the kids driving me crazy and life countinously ticking away with no pause. Some how every day starts at 8, and I blink and it is 3, blink again and it is 6 and my day is almost done. In the way of the house I am getting nothfing done.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
One Track Mind
Intense.
Unrelenting.
Undying.
Thirst...
I can't explain my mind, but at the end of the day it is always limited to one topic. I must seem easy. I must seem weak. I must seem sluty. But I am not. I am classy, controlled, and mindful of all things in my reality. I know how to pretend. I know how to act. I know how to appear they way I am expected to.
But my mind, which all you know, is not any of the above things. It urges me to run free, it longs to feel that release, it impatiently counts the minutes and hours until it can be alive again. It feels as if every turn of my head, every movement of my legs, every quake in my spine is focused on achieving climax.
I am addicted.
I am controlled
I am lost to desire
I am....lost
I am in this place where everything must lead to be being able to feel something. I am a mindless robot during the day when I have to be mommy. I love being mommy, please never ever doubt. I am starting to feel like during the day I am going through the motions. I light up when my children laugh, I smile and their beautiful smiles. I am happy with them. I take back what I said about going through the motions because now that I think about my kids I am beaming with an inter love that makes all the bad and ugly parts of me dissappear. I don't know who I am but I know I am a mom that will love, cherish, support and adore my children all of my life. That is something.
Maybe I can change my focus.
Unrelenting.
Undying.
Thirst...
I can't explain my mind, but at the end of the day it is always limited to one topic. I must seem easy. I must seem weak. I must seem sluty. But I am not. I am classy, controlled, and mindful of all things in my reality. I know how to pretend. I know how to act. I know how to appear they way I am expected to.
But my mind, which all you know, is not any of the above things. It urges me to run free, it longs to feel that release, it impatiently counts the minutes and hours until it can be alive again. It feels as if every turn of my head, every movement of my legs, every quake in my spine is focused on achieving climax.
I am addicted.
I am controlled
I am lost to desire
I am....lost
I am in this place where everything must lead to be being able to feel something. I am a mindless robot during the day when I have to be mommy. I love being mommy, please never ever doubt. I am starting to feel like during the day I am going through the motions. I light up when my children laugh, I smile and their beautiful smiles. I am happy with them. I take back what I said about going through the motions because now that I think about my kids I am beaming with an inter love that makes all the bad and ugly parts of me dissappear. I don't know who I am but I know I am a mom that will love, cherish, support and adore my children all of my life. That is something.
Maybe I can change my focus.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Beyond
It is of a curious nature the me that I have quenched the thirst. It is not as if I have dramatically presued or even really enticed. I am not really shiny in this eyes of the beholders of games like these but some how I have maintained. Shame should be fluent on these lips of late but none has crossed them. I know my flight is permitted in the eyes of matrimony. This is merely a product of my design, of my dna. Outward appearence would not have you to believe this feat has be accomplished by me. I am lowly, I am dreadful...yet...I guess I am powerful, captivating. I fear my head is swollen.
By mere thought of advertised preception I should not be the one with the number. I should be mellow, un-changing, unbaited and unattractive. By society I should not be proud of what has come to pass. Please do not assume Mindful One that the quest I am speaking of was accomplished by my hand in all cases. It must be noted that one of the captivated has been cured by his own hand and mere thought. I am purely an instructor of sorts in that affair, but still, I have been told that that has be as if water to the thirst laiden.
I crave too much. I know I do...it is an addiction. So sweet an addiction that I have no thought of leaving it as long as it is offered. This is not wise, not rational, not smart, not.....allowed but it is real. I feel like I am the only person in the world not attempting to squash there basic insticts.. basic, born with insticts to feed....
The only thing that consers me is that no one else seems to feel this need....Is no one else born with it. I am the one that is not normal and is the fact that I feel so detemined in my believe truely a sickness? As I type the word Sickness my brain twists with the thought. But really, who does this hurt. I have the blessidng of the one in my heart, the one with my body knows his place and the one in the world of the past knows the situation. Is this really wrong? Those of the Lord would have me believing so...will these acts force me judged in a way that can not wbe forgiven. I can not ask for forgiveness because I am not truely sorry and for me to breath word of prayer would be a lie. I would only be asking for forgiveness because I don't want to offend not because I truely regret the situation.
I feel like I am heading down an unproductive path with this post tonight. My brain and body are not quite in sync it seems....I suspect chemical imbalance.
Wander Eyes out there in the un-known have you judged me? Have you passed a view of me based on the words written in the pages of these blog. I wonder how I feel about that because in all reality Mindful One, you know me better than anyone every has. These pages hide nothing, these pages have no secret, these pages have no shame. Maybe that means your judgement is not clouded and your preception of me is the real one...the rest of the world believes the mirage....and they will continue to. Life in the Scorpion Cage bears no remorse.
By mere thought of advertised preception I should not be the one with the number. I should be mellow, un-changing, unbaited and unattractive. By society I should not be proud of what has come to pass. Please do not assume Mindful One that the quest I am speaking of was accomplished by my hand in all cases. It must be noted that one of the captivated has been cured by his own hand and mere thought. I am purely an instructor of sorts in that affair, but still, I have been told that that has be as if water to the thirst laiden.
I crave too much. I know I do...it is an addiction. So sweet an addiction that I have no thought of leaving it as long as it is offered. This is not wise, not rational, not smart, not.....allowed but it is real. I feel like I am the only person in the world not attempting to squash there basic insticts.. basic, born with insticts to feed....
The only thing that consers me is that no one else seems to feel this need....Is no one else born with it. I am the one that is not normal and is the fact that I feel so detemined in my believe truely a sickness? As I type the word Sickness my brain twists with the thought. But really, who does this hurt. I have the blessidng of the one in my heart, the one with my body knows his place and the one in the world of the past knows the situation. Is this really wrong? Those of the Lord would have me believing so...will these acts force me judged in a way that can not wbe forgiven. I can not ask for forgiveness because I am not truely sorry and for me to breath word of prayer would be a lie. I would only be asking for forgiveness because I don't want to offend not because I truely regret the situation.
I feel like I am heading down an unproductive path with this post tonight. My brain and body are not quite in sync it seems....I suspect chemical imbalance.
Wander Eyes out there in the un-known have you judged me? Have you passed a view of me based on the words written in the pages of these blog. I wonder how I feel about that because in all reality Mindful One, you know me better than anyone every has. These pages hide nothing, these pages have no secret, these pages have no shame. Maybe that means your judgement is not clouded and your preception of me is the real one...the rest of the world believes the mirage....and they will continue to. Life in the Scorpion Cage bears no remorse.
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