One Track Mind

Intense.
Unrelenting.
Undying.
Thirst...

I can't explain my mind, but at the end of the day it is always limited to one topic. I must seem easy. I must seem weak. I must seem sluty. But I am not. I am classy, controlled, and mindful of all things in my reality. I know how to pretend. I know how to act. I know how to appear they way I am expected to.
But my mind, which all you know, is not any of the above things. It urges me to run free, it longs to feel that release, it impatiently counts the minutes and hours until it can be alive again. It feels as if every turn of my head, every movement of my legs, every quake in my spine is focused on achieving climax.
I am addicted.
I am controlled
I am lost to desire
I am....lost

I am in this place where everything must lead to be being able to feel something. I am a mindless robot during the day when I have to be mommy. I love being mommy, please never ever doubt. I am starting to feel like during the day I am going through the motions. I light up when my children laugh, I smile and their beautiful smiles. I am happy with them. I take back what I said about going through the motions because now that I think about my kids I am beaming with an inter love that makes all the bad and ugly parts of me dissappear. I don't know who I am but I know I am a mom that will love, cherish, support and adore my children all of my life. That is something.
Maybe I can change my focus.