Old People

I can't figure old couples out, I can't.....I look at them in wonder and awe as if looking at the sun for the first time. How do two people become to happy, so intertwined and yet blissful. What have they learned that I can't figure out? Is it simply because they have past the hardest part of their lives and now they have each other. I went to a community dance recently and I was one of the youngest people there. I sat and stared at all the couples that were so compatible, so happy. The room was full of them, spinning, dancing and just enjoying each other. No hestiation, no worries, not a care in the world. Ladies so happy to just be in the arms of their loves and men with eye that said they would do anything for their ladies. I feel like I am so far awy from that reality.
Maybe the secret is to just stop worrying?

I am considering getting a tarot card reading done tomorrow to see what it says. I need some guidance and I believe whole heartedly in the woman that will be doing my reading so I guess we shall see what is in the cards.

Yep...another night...

I am sitting here staring at the messaging screen wishing your name would pop up. I am sitting here wondering what would be better, waiting around here, or praying for dream sleep in which you hold me and look into my eyes and tell me that you are never going to leave me. Both are uncertain and it seems the only place you and I exist is in my fanatsies. Maybe that is where this exists soley. Maybe I made it up.
Every night my head hits the pillow and shows me visions of what I wish would happen. Fantasies like me having a tradeshow in Barrie and you coming to see me. My face lights up with a huge smile as I see you for the first time, I run up to you and I hug you with everything that I have. Every inch of me longs to kiss you but I know I can't in front of my co-workers....that would be too messy. They see the joy you bring to me and they tell me to go and take a break. We go, we leave the building and hide around the back and we kiss...and there are fireworks and memories....oh so many memories of what we once had and of how you made me feel and how much I miss you. I sit in your arms and I remember how much I loved this, how safe you always made me feel and how comfortable I felt just being near you. With you I could be myself, I never had to pretend, fake it, be someone else. I was always yours.
Reading that back to myself I realize how lonely I am. I'm always alone.

Is this my world?
I have listened to this song about 500 times tonight.
Dear Heart - What the fuck??
Dear Eyes - Please don't cry, it isn't helping....I don't know what I am morning.
I told someone that I loved him but I wasn't in love with him anymore. But as soon as I say those words I cry for the past. Once it was good, once I was so in love with him that I would have done anything for him. Can I see my world without him......no......why...because no matter what he is on the other end of the phone when I need him, when everything else becomes too much. No one else is. You tell me I am the one you want, that you would give up everything for, that you love, that you need, that you want in every way possible yet when I message you after praying, pleading for the little green dot to appear you don't respond. You aren't there when I am inconvient. I am starting to feel like I am not what you told me I was to you. I am so confused with everything and in the end....I don't know what I want and I am not going to move from my place....because here....I have my place.


Another night in tears

How I know it is real

Here is the thing....my brain will not shut off and I don't want it to. Turns out I love him and it is getting the point where it is just going to happen. Eventually David will figure all this out, how I feel and he isn't going to like it. Eventually this is going to come to a head. Am I smart, nope....Am I selfish, it feels like it. But I can't stop how I feel. He makes me glow, he makes me feel warm and it hurts when he is not around. I am going to see him somewhere and I am going to hug him and David is going to see that my heart has been stolen away.

From the Couch

Festering, undying, unrelenting and uncontrolable is my current situation. This situation that makes me me but in turn torments me down to the core. In mind I want things my mouth can't even speak of. I want to touch, I want to feel, I want to lose all control and be pure emotion. I want rare, raw adrenaline. I want something I have never had before. I want someone who doesn't know my name, doesn't know my issues, doesn't care what my body looks like and just wants to be free. I want to scream and smile that smile that can only be smiled when every single last breath has escaped your lips and ever ounce of your body is begging to stop but begging for more at the same time. I want hours. I want this unimaginable desire to take over and for me to become the ceature behind my eyes. I lust for this satisfaction. I twich with this desire to taste the sweetness that could never be. I want adventure. I want to become the Wild Child.

Heavy Heart

He hasn't talked to me in a long while and it is as if I am crushed. I know I am not supposed to care, this should make it easier right? But no, it makes me want to burst into tears and give in to my greatest temptation. It makes me want to find him and kiss him and look into his eyes for the first time once again and say I am yours forever. Deep inside this longing is more than I can stand and at times I am finding myself alone with my thoughts, alone with my wishes, alone with my fears and alone with my desires. Cruel world how did you twist fate in such a way that I am trapped without bars and caged without keys. This reality offers little comfort and lately I am finding myself longing for dream sleep in which he is there. In my dreams I run to him and he holds me and looks into my eyes and I can feel alive again. In this place of bliss I am free, I am light, I am new. Is that the appeal?
My heavy heart and I will breath again tomorrow of the air that binds. I know this is safe, this is refined, this is tame....but I am not

That pain

So deep, so dreadful, so painful....the regret I am filled with. I want to go back in time so badly and make you mine. I wish I had spoken the words. It is killing me. I love you, I want to be with you and I can't be because I am with him and he is the father of my children and they are the most important thing and they need their father. I am sick to my stomach constantly with the pain of not being with you. I miss you so much and I feel so sad that our time is over. Every night I wait with baited breath for you to come on line. I am only really happy now when I am talking to you. Only then does it feel like the world is right. My heart is broken, it hurts, it is crying and the worst part is there is nothing I can do about it. I wish there was a rewind button and I could start my life over again. I want to go back to when I first met you and I want to cling to you and never let go. I want you to be mine. I want to hold you. I want you, to be here, I want to see you, I want it to be the way it is in my dreams. You tell me it is the same for you. I just want you. It isn't even about sex anymore...I just want to be with you.