Night

Deep.
That is the way it is, and the way it has to be . I and the way it is going to be. I am simply steaming with antipation of this evening's planned activities. I am practically pulsing with antipation.
I look, a knowing stare, while the tip of my finger dances along the edge of my black strapless dress. I move my legs a little allowing the hem of my gown to inch past my knee. My toes slowly move along the fabric of the couch in a slow method that attempts to distract my brain from the one all consuming thought. I monitor my breathing, too quickly would give away the fact that I am ready to pounce, but not breathing at all is not an option.
My shoulders turn secducively in a manner to attract. Every inch of my body beats in time with this desire. The time is soon.

Think tank

Simply put tonight is about nothing.
In fact staring at the I and being wordless is a hard thing to understand. I am not sure even what the point of apenng thing page was.
Where am I at right now? I am moving through life in a happy state. I am everything I currently need. I am feelwing good and I finally feel like life has a new beginning. A purpose in a sense. I am going back to work soon and I am going to put 100% into and make this something this time. I am not going to let the words of other deter me from my path to make something more of myself. I am done having babies and I am moving on to a new chapter of my life. I am moving in a new direction and i am going to be a success in more methods than the laundry. I am failing at housework...i hate house work....actually I don't mind housework but it is impossible to accomplish with the kids driving me crazy and life countinously ticking away with no pause. Some how every day starts at 8, and I blink and it is 3, blink again and it is 6 and my day is almost done. In the way of the house I am getting nothfing done.

One Track Mind

Intense.
Unrelenting.
Undying.
Thirst...

I can't explain my mind, but at the end of the day it is always limited to one topic. I must seem easy. I must seem weak. I must seem sluty. But I am not. I am classy, controlled, and mindful of all things in my reality. I know how to pretend. I know how to act. I know how to appear they way I am expected to.
But my mind, which all you know, is not any of the above things. It urges me to run free, it longs to feel that release, it impatiently counts the minutes and hours until it can be alive again. It feels as if every turn of my head, every movement of my legs, every quake in my spine is focused on achieving climax.
I am addicted.
I am controlled
I am lost to desire
I am....lost

I am in this place where everything must lead to be being able to feel something. I am a mindless robot during the day when I have to be mommy. I love being mommy, please never ever doubt. I am starting to feel like during the day I am going through the motions. I light up when my children laugh, I smile and their beautiful smiles. I am happy with them. I take back what I said about going through the motions because now that I think about my kids I am beaming with an inter love that makes all the bad and ugly parts of me dissappear. I don't know who I am but I know I am a mom that will love, cherish, support and adore my children all of my life. That is something.
Maybe I can change my focus.

Beyond

It is of a curious nature the me that I have quenched the thirst. It is not as if I have dramatically presued or even really enticed. I am not really shiny in this eyes of the beholders of games like these but some how I have maintained. Shame should be fluent on these lips of late but none has crossed them. I know my flight is permitted in the eyes of matrimony. This is merely a product of my design, of my dna. Outward appearence would not have you to believe this feat has be accomplished by me. I am lowly, I am dreadful...yet...I guess I am powerful, captivating. I fear my head is swollen.
By mere thought of advertised preception I should not be the one with the number. I should be mellow, un-changing, unbaited and unattractive. By society I should not be proud of what has come to pass. Please do not assume Mindful One that the quest I am speaking of was accomplished by my hand in all cases. It must be noted that one of the captivated has been cured by his own hand and mere thought. I am purely an instructor of sorts in that affair, but still, I have been told that that has be as if water to the thirst laiden.
I crave too much. I know I do...it is an addiction. So sweet an addiction that I have no thought of leaving it as long as it is offered. This is not wise, not rational, not smart, not.....allowed but it is real. I feel like I am the only person in the world not attempting to squash there basic insticts.. basic, born with insticts to feed....
The only thing that consers me is that no one else seems to feel this need....Is no one else born with it. I am the one that is not normal and is the fact that I feel so detemined in my believe truely a sickness? As I type the word Sickness my brain twists with the thought. But really, who does this hurt. I have the blessidng of the one in my heart, the one with my body knows his place and the one in the world of the past knows the situation. Is this really wrong? Those of the Lord would have me believing so...will these acts force me judged in a way that can not wbe forgiven. I can not ask for forgiveness because I am not truely sorry and for me to breath word of prayer would be a lie. I would only be asking for forgiveness because I don't want to offend not because I truely regret the situation.
I feel like I am heading down an unproductive path with this post tonight. My brain and body are not quite in sync it seems....I suspect chemical imbalance.
Wander Eyes out there in the un-known have you judged me? Have you passed a view of me based on the words written in the pages of these blog. I wonder how I feel about that because in all reality Mindful One, you know me better than anyone every has. These pages hide nothing, these pages have no secret, these pages have no shame. Maybe that means your judgement is not clouded and your preception of me is the real one...the rest of the world believes the mirage....and they will continue to. Life in the Scorpion Cage bears no remorse.

Clearer state of Mind

Ok....
I am no longer drunk
I am now not feeling great
The alochole is finished and now the aftermath has set in.
Tonight has been interesting, I have witnessed the rise and fall of the alochole affect....and had it for the most part documented.
Did this help....maybe....I guess the world will just have to let me know tomorrow

Ha ha ha ha

His lover is plastic and shared, ha ha ha ha as the loser I must laugh to stay sane.
Mysterious mind you will never know of who I speak, the mindlessness will allow my to be annonamous. Take that

What you are read are the words of downfall, compromised status of the deranged dementia. You will not undersand. Maybe I need help because I am not seeing the irony in the world any longer. I am not getting it. I am fucked.
All this fucking bullshit is just that...not one thing matters...except my kids so fuck you all. I am going to be a product of my survival and go on instict....even if it fails me. Even if in the depth of the night I cry out in pain and in surender no one will hear it...I am alone...I am fucked...and really...whatever.......
Trip.

Wine Induced ramblings

Title sums it up, wanna know? I drank a bottle of wine and now I am sitting here in silence with my headphones rocking out to my own party. I am a million miles away while being a foot away. It is rough, it is my life. This bottle of wine has saved me tonight.
The life of a mother is not always glorious....it is hardly glamourour but somehow it is desired. Tonight is my escape, my undoing, my release. Tonight I am bigger than what I am looking at. I have hit the back space button 800 times in this post but I fuction. I am drunk but not off...I wanna walk down the street and feeeel it all.
This post is randomn....wanna know my secret...there are two....two in the placement of goal scorer. Got it, get it. I am not spelling it out any clearer even in my compromised state. Two have scorced and another is coming up close....call me slut...i will answer...I care not...I thrive on it...I am alive....freedom and fire.

If you ever read this you are in for a shock
I am not the white lily I appear and I don't give a fuck.....judge me....come on....I dare you!@

SUCCESS!

That is right ladies and gentlemen! I did it...again...and...well..it sucked. This guy is not versed in the female preception and in that sense things were neot "completed" That leaves me numb.

I am not typing more right now because I am numb....I am tipsy....it feels amazing....tonight is mine, fuctioning freedom!.


Maybe I should write, because maybe my mind's eye is more focused...More open. I want more of what I got even if it was limited.

Here's the thing

A leopard can't change it's spots. This one is trying but once again I am in the same place doing the same but more than I was last night. I am being.....me and even in my worped imagining I can not fathom this being good.
I am lost and this confounds me in the deepest of ways.
Trying to be aomething I am not is not a task I wish to accomplish

There will be more

Condemning this scorpio is a way of live now for me but within it poses CHALLENGE. Maybe that is the most important part of this entire thing. Is this a quest? Not in the sense of completion because this feat will never ever be concluded. It is forever ecthed into my brain as survival insticts.

But
Tonight it is a quest, a right of passage if you must. Hungery is this scorpion.

Nope

The lasting ability of the damned has prevailed over me again it seems. I guess I am not what I thought I was. I thought that I possessed the skills to be fulfilled and it turns out I don't. In my mind's eye I thought I was undeniable. Yet I have been denied indefinatly by a second source. Forever damned. My personal hell involves a tv screen and a gaming system. Forever I will be not allowed to exist in a world where the very essence of humanity has been stripped away. I am hurt, I am torn apart. I but too much energy into this and in my desperation I am indeed desperate. Why did I make myself this person. I am not desired, I am not this vixen my mind has design. I have failed. You think slut, I know you do mysterious eye but you don't understand the release. The need to be more and only in that momment am I what I have designed. I am a product of humanity but the world doesn't need to be human anymore. It needs to be cold, indifferent and simply innhuman. Robotic mechanics need to take over my sanity and my life because I am lost. The one thing I control has gotten out of control. I no longer exist in the sense of what I have protrayed.
I am the problem
I am going into hidding.....I have to become the mindless mom and let go of myself. I have held my own hand for as long as I can. I am now the pianist with broken fingers. I stare longingly at my passion that grows dust
The tears cried leave spots in the dust but it will never be wiped away. Don't forget me...what you see is not who I really am. Goodbye.

Prey #2

How does one compete with plastic and light bulbs. The flickers of the world trapped in the box protrays a vision of mockery. Do you understand Beholder's Eye. Do you get that I am struggling in this fight because of wires, plastic, lightbulbs and glass. I am powerless, my mortal enemy has cast yet another shadow and forevermore I can not escape.
Will tonight be like the other nights where the bloomed flower wilts with neither sunshine or rain to preserve it's life. I am forever damned. How is it that this feat is to be eluded? How is it that I am not going to win against the mesmerising.

Stay tuned

Prey

This is a game
I am playing it and I don't know how to make it work but I want it to, believe me, my very essence depends on it. I am in need of the one thing that can only be granted by those with the controls. I am beyond the point at which all else exists. I want this to be now.

Can I make it happen

Tune in for more folks!

Dear Hungery Eyes, I bear a feast!

I have been starving, been locked away and I have been missing so much. Like that of a coma I have awoke and right now the frenzy has reached a peak of determination that the mere mind cannot understand. I am typing the words that my fingers have ignited. I am beyond pain and suffering. I am hiding a mystery that will never be divulged, even in the coldest depths of death. I have found a mysterious passion and power and it feels so good. It feels like life....life after so long without breathe. I can’t even explain the fireworks, the colours, the feeling...oh that feeling that has not been there for so long. I was dry, dying and now I am vivid, bright, more than I have been in years and now time and passion have united and I want more.



My vision may be swayed in a way that is not allowed but I am not worried, I am not ashamed and I am fire....I am born of fire. You have to understand this passion, this fire to get to the core of my very soul. I am addicted and I have only had one taste. Just one and I am a fen. I am left breathless. Oh mysterious eyes, can you understand. Forbidden fruit is so sweet that my mouth waters just looking at the possibility. The outer vision of this fruit is not beautiful but it is beyond tantalizing. I am having trouble controlling myself. That is bad I know, but I want to lose all control. I want a time to be completely off and to just react. I don’t want to think. I just want to do, I want to be free completely from my brain and there is only one way to let instinct take over and be truly free and it is offered. I need more. I need this so badly that my body is reacting to the sight and of the smell and of the heat. I am striving, pulling, taking, and longing for this so badly at a fevered pitch. Take me, take every single piece of me and never let me be whole again. I am glowing, the sweat is flowing for my entire body and it is spiking a reaction of maximum proportion. I am shaking and the feeling of all this pent up energy is almost more than I can stand. One sight and I might have to attack. I am not on guard, I am running on primal. My very soul is begging me to let the passion ignite.


The fire is too hot, it is burning, it is so sweet. I am seeing the fireworks, the vivid colours light up the dark in places that have never ever seen light and the reaction is sheer ecstasy. My soul is built in a way that it wants nothing more than this. I feed on this. No drink, no food could ever quench the thirst of the soul. Only this, only this....I want more