Here it is....I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I am just living life in a shell, I am not engaging ing life, I am not enjoying life and I am not living life. You don't care, you really don't....I don't know what I expected but I guess I just expected you would be there. I can't keep this up.
I need to find a way to cope with life and right now I am glued to my inbox. I can't get over you and I have cried so much my eyes hurt and now I guess I just have to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. I am fucking pissed, I don't want to be but I guess if it is that easy for you to drop me means it wasn't as strong as I thought it was. You just want me to change my whole life for you but you don't want to be my friend, you say you can't be. I feel like you ran into my life, said everything i have ever wanted to say and then you were gone...poof
I can't appologise, I can't change anything, I don't want to take anything away from what we had and I can't contain how this feels.
I love my husband, I do.....I have been with him almost every single day for the past 7 years. I have shared everything with him, I have bonded with him and I have a connection with him. He is my rock, he is there and he is the father of my children. He is a major part of me.
I love you in a different way, in a raw way, in a sensual way. I love you because you make me feel alive, you make me feel better, you make me feel happy and you make me more. I have not felt the way I do talking to you in so long and now I can't cope without you. You don't get it. I am hurting and I need you so much to keep me happy. I am selfish, I am greedy and I don't give a fuck at this point. I am so sorry that I can't uproot my life for you. I am beyond this point now. I don't know what that means. I don't know how to deal with this. I just can't right now. I am really sorry about everything and I don't want you to regret me and you do. I hate this, hate this hate this hate this hate this fucking bullshit.....
This is it....I am through....
GOOD BYE.
Friday, February 18, 2011
500 times a day
That is ow many times a day I want to e-mail you. I want you to know how much I miss you, how much I need you in my life. How I need you to be my friend. I need your support. I have a lot I want to accomplish in my life and I want you there to celebrate my successes and motivate me when I have a hard time. I am lost without you in my life.
I understand why you can't be here and it makes sense for my relationship and it is best for everyone I guess. I am the only one that is hurting with the way things are now. I hate feeling like this. You make me feel good, you make life easier and talking to you makes me shine. Is that bad.
I hate this. I hate it so much that it is consuming every part of my day. I have no reason to do anything because I was doing this for you. I was a better person with you in my contact list.
I honestly do not know what the future holds but I do know I am stronger, happier and jus plain better with you with me. I need you as a friend to me right now...and I can't have you without losing the father to my kids...I guess I am going to have to find another way to cope, I just can't think of you.
I really hope you still read this, I doubt you do but it helps me to know I have a connection. It truely hurts so much to check my inbox and not see an e-mail from you. I check it a million times a day just hoping that you might decide you need me in your life, even if it isn't the way you want it to be. I miss you so much. I am here for you if you ever need me. I will never get over losing you.
I understand why you can't be here and it makes sense for my relationship and it is best for everyone I guess. I am the only one that is hurting with the way things are now. I hate feeling like this. You make me feel good, you make life easier and talking to you makes me shine. Is that bad.
I hate this. I hate it so much that it is consuming every part of my day. I have no reason to do anything because I was doing this for you. I was a better person with you in my contact list.
I honestly do not know what the future holds but I do know I am stronger, happier and jus plain better with you with me. I need you as a friend to me right now...and I can't have you without losing the father to my kids...I guess I am going to have to find another way to cope, I just can't think of you.
I really hope you still read this, I doubt you do but it helps me to know I have a connection. It truely hurts so much to check my inbox and not see an e-mail from you. I check it a million times a day just hoping that you might decide you need me in your life, even if it isn't the way you want it to be. I miss you so much. I am here for you if you ever need me. I will never get over losing you.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Trying to smile and my smile has faded
He is the way he was a long time ago, the light is back in his eyes. I know he loves me, he is doing what he needs to now and I have fate this is going to remain. He has done what I have asked him to. But why oh why isn't my heart better.
Last night shattered me.
I am not sure if I am going to recover from this. I understand why you can't talk to me and he doesn't want me talking to you so opening my e-mail and not seeing your name makes sense. It is logical, I am following the rules. I had to delete your e-mail so that I couldn't e-mail you, because everytime my fingers touch the keys I want them to be writing words to you. I am in pain, a dull agonising pain.
I have been keeping busy trying to turn my brain off because it seems to help. But what about tonight when the night is quiet and my heart aches to talk to you, just to know you are in my world, but you aren't.
I hate this so so so much.
I am sorry. I am always going to want to be with you....why is life so cruel. I will miss you forever and I am hoping that in time I become numb. I hope I never run into you, ever. My heart wouldn't be able to handle that.
Last night shattered me.
I am not sure if I am going to recover from this. I understand why you can't talk to me and he doesn't want me talking to you so opening my e-mail and not seeing your name makes sense. It is logical, I am following the rules. I had to delete your e-mail so that I couldn't e-mail you, because everytime my fingers touch the keys I want them to be writing words to you. I am in pain, a dull agonising pain.
I have been keeping busy trying to turn my brain off because it seems to help. But what about tonight when the night is quiet and my heart aches to talk to you, just to know you are in my world, but you aren't.
I hate this so so so much.
I am sorry. I am always going to want to be with you....why is life so cruel. I will miss you forever and I am hoping that in time I become numb. I hope I never run into you, ever. My heart wouldn't be able to handle that.
Did it
I did what I was supposed to do. I broke your heart and tossed you away the way I was supposed to. It's for the good of my family I suppose. It is supposed be the right thing......why is the right thing hurting so much. My heart is broken.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Please read me.
I told him about you and it was awful, he hates me now. I am lost. I need to focus on myself right now. I need to be selfish. I love you, I really do and i know you don't believe me. My stomach is so sick right now and my heart is broken. I need you to understand. Please please understand. I am so sorry I messed this up so badly. i don't know how I am going to give you up. I already miss you. But what am I supposed to do. I can't stand on my own two feet let along stand on it and take care of my three kids. they have to come frist. I love you, and I will always love you. I know you will never understand. This is not good bye forever, my heart could not handle that. please read this and understand.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Coin Toss
This post is not for the faint of heart, it truely shows you the battle of heart and mind, of fear and love.
I have been told that true love conqures all, but what if your heart and mind, all your senses are locked in a battle between two. What if you were at war in your head with opposites that attract in different way. I don't want to be a part of this coin toss....chosing heads or tails is a rattling decision that will ripple in effect until I either rise or am condemned to lead the life I have chosen. I would rather just take the coin.
This was never a decision that I planned on facing, merely a past that I thought was unreachable. But new life has been breathed into my world. This light has made me feel new in every way, has given me the ability to smile and to feel...power. With this light I feel like I used to and like there is more. But the light has a shadow. The light is not the smart or safe road to take. It is bordered with doubt, with lack of commitment and with a worry that the light will never be more. The light is still naive to the harshness to the world in ways that are not understood. Though old he is not expirenced with the working of the world in the fashion that I require.
The one is familar and is safe and is smart and maybe I have been less forgiving than I should be. This one has not faltered in the ways he has been. I am not really happy with the current way of life but maybe there is more that has not come. He is lacking in the ways of raising and thus causing a break down in the way the world is set. This lacking has created a definate break, a crack in the moral foundation of what is provided. He is known. The one has been there, not in all ways as I believe they should be addressed but he is there in spirit and in physical presense. He is The One in the eyes of my children and this posses the biggest deliema.
I asked to be shown a sign, a trigger to make me know the path before me that is laid and these words stood out... Follow your Heart. But where oh where heart am I to follow you? Which path is more appealing? Which downfalls are less to consider. I am torn and confused and broken in ways I was never to know.
My heart belongs in the momment and the momments are heated by different furances at will. The momment the words appear before me and the second my ears hear the voice that was forgotten I can not feel anything else. I feel love and I have wanted this love to come from this light for so long. It has been a dream and a fanatasy from my childhood. I am so in tune with this voice in many ways and very distant in others. It would allow a part of my world to be exposed and have air that it has never ever had. The one is comfortable in the sense that I know what to expect and there is an element of control, but also an element that is caged and if this path is chosen it will be locked away forever. Is that the way I want it to be.
The light forces me to compete again, the one does not. The one knows that now me and the light remembers the old. I want to be the old. I am not of sound mind it seems in this decision, the weight of which bears much. I am beyond my will power to resist either and the setting of eyes makes my brain ache of question.
Believe in yourself is a statement my mother drilled into my head. It seems this is the way to view this. Maybe I should truely just be on my own, but that would in a snese mean chosing the light because the one would be crushed.
They both confess love and both confess this love to be deep and meaningful. They both propose mariage. One has been chosen but in reality would not have been if the light had been shown and if the light was truely known. The light was in the world but faded when the one stepped up and claimed dominance.
I wonder though. Should the one know the light exists. Is my method of coping one that should remain intact or in the need of fairness should he be made aware. Simply admiting could lead to danger. Simply admitting could sway the mind of the one. I can not carry this train of thought tonight.... now the question, who will my mind wander to and dream of tonight.
I have been told that true love conqures all, but what if your heart and mind, all your senses are locked in a battle between two. What if you were at war in your head with opposites that attract in different way. I don't want to be a part of this coin toss....chosing heads or tails is a rattling decision that will ripple in effect until I either rise or am condemned to lead the life I have chosen. I would rather just take the coin.
This was never a decision that I planned on facing, merely a past that I thought was unreachable. But new life has been breathed into my world. This light has made me feel new in every way, has given me the ability to smile and to feel...power. With this light I feel like I used to and like there is more. But the light has a shadow. The light is not the smart or safe road to take. It is bordered with doubt, with lack of commitment and with a worry that the light will never be more. The light is still naive to the harshness to the world in ways that are not understood. Though old he is not expirenced with the working of the world in the fashion that I require.
The one is familar and is safe and is smart and maybe I have been less forgiving than I should be. This one has not faltered in the ways he has been. I am not really happy with the current way of life but maybe there is more that has not come. He is lacking in the ways of raising and thus causing a break down in the way the world is set. This lacking has created a definate break, a crack in the moral foundation of what is provided. He is known. The one has been there, not in all ways as I believe they should be addressed but he is there in spirit and in physical presense. He is The One in the eyes of my children and this posses the biggest deliema.
I asked to be shown a sign, a trigger to make me know the path before me that is laid and these words stood out... Follow your Heart. But where oh where heart am I to follow you? Which path is more appealing? Which downfalls are less to consider. I am torn and confused and broken in ways I was never to know.
My heart belongs in the momment and the momments are heated by different furances at will. The momment the words appear before me and the second my ears hear the voice that was forgotten I can not feel anything else. I feel love and I have wanted this love to come from this light for so long. It has been a dream and a fanatasy from my childhood. I am so in tune with this voice in many ways and very distant in others. It would allow a part of my world to be exposed and have air that it has never ever had. The one is comfortable in the sense that I know what to expect and there is an element of control, but also an element that is caged and if this path is chosen it will be locked away forever. Is that the way I want it to be.
The light forces me to compete again, the one does not. The one knows that now me and the light remembers the old. I want to be the old. I am not of sound mind it seems in this decision, the weight of which bears much. I am beyond my will power to resist either and the setting of eyes makes my brain ache of question.
Believe in yourself is a statement my mother drilled into my head. It seems this is the way to view this. Maybe I should truely just be on my own, but that would in a snese mean chosing the light because the one would be crushed.
They both confess love and both confess this love to be deep and meaningful. They both propose mariage. One has been chosen but in reality would not have been if the light had been shown and if the light was truely known. The light was in the world but faded when the one stepped up and claimed dominance.
I wonder though. Should the one know the light exists. Is my method of coping one that should remain intact or in the need of fairness should he be made aware. Simply admiting could lead to danger. Simply admitting could sway the mind of the one. I can not carry this train of thought tonight.... now the question, who will my mind wander to and dream of tonight.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
And he loves me
I am lost because his words are tempting, so tempting that they are sweet. I am torn and that scares me. I can't talk, the words are muted behind lips that feel no shame. And if this was discovered, this hidden agenda, would it matter, would it really or would it truely speed up the enividable. What do I want and more importantly why do I want it. Is the old thing just old and the new shiny and full of promise. But it isn't full of promise. It is truely a ride on a path with no benefit, that will never be better in a security sense. It is a selfish path that I want to dip into in a way that isn't rational, it isn't good. But it is hot and amasing and unknown.
There is a third path that makes it more of an appeal. Can I simply stand on my own feet without a commitment, even though there is a commitment already. But maybe it is a better place to be. I don't know. I look around and I wonder how these walls could be ones I dispise. Will I regret it, will I. That is the biggest question in my head. This is just new, lets just see where it lends. I wish I had a sign. Why be stupid, why play this game. Has your heart ever really let go of the past, if the screen showed a new reality would my heart be able to with stand the trama....and why do I feel it would be trama. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am never going to arrive at a destination, I am going to be forever wondering what if in every single sense of the words. I just don't know and to me that say avoid it all and figure out who wants to fight, the burden and the problems.....I have said the word that changes things in the minds and hearts of those I care about. But the words were out there and they slide off my lips so easily. And I truely meant them.
This is huge.
There is a third path that makes it more of an appeal. Can I simply stand on my own feet without a commitment, even though there is a commitment already. But maybe it is a better place to be. I don't know. I look around and I wonder how these walls could be ones I dispise. Will I regret it, will I. That is the biggest question in my head. This is just new, lets just see where it lends. I wish I had a sign. Why be stupid, why play this game. Has your heart ever really let go of the past, if the screen showed a new reality would my heart be able to with stand the trama....and why do I feel it would be trama. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am never going to arrive at a destination, I am going to be forever wondering what if in every single sense of the words. I just don't know and to me that say avoid it all and figure out who wants to fight, the burden and the problems.....I have said the word that changes things in the minds and hearts of those I care about. But the words were out there and they slide off my lips so easily. And I truely meant them.
This is huge.
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